400: baby go crazy (break the rules)

the litany:

397: living in a rhythm where the minutes’re working overtime

I feel like I’m running around in circles. I’m probably just panicking for no good reason, as I always do, but it’s weird to care and not care at the same time. Just like how I feel 半桶水 about most things nowadays; can’t decide which way to go or another.

I feel a bit guilty sometimes, that I’m never 100% anything. But I get the feeling I don’t know how to. Some part of me’s somewhere far away, dreaming of a time where I can get away from here.

396: we are always running for the thrill of it

You don’t know about the little things that we do without, when that whole mad season comes around.

395: reason #2358435 to do corporate law instead

The best kind of judge —

— is the insulting kind of judge.

381: insomnia

Thoughts that appear at 5am in the morning;

• The sooner you learn to accept people for who they are, the less trouble you will have with yourself. Why is everyone so worked up over things they cannot control?
• Why does this happen every week? I shouldn’t have drunk that coffee.
• I think I might be in love with the Eurasian guy who appears on 超级星光大道 to PK the contestants. But obsessions come and go, anyway.
• Something I read while filling my time with reports of serial killers (don’t ask): There are Mr. Rights, and then there are Mr. Right Nows. Mr. Right Now is the guy you think you’re in love with when you’re seventeen. Then you get knocked up and are forced to get married and suddenly it’s too late, when Mr. Right comes along. (And Mr. Right Now may just kill you if you leave.)
• There’s really just no way I’m ever going to appear in the morning bright and chirpy and eyebag-less. It’s a chronic failing. I like sleep. I like to have my own time. I like mornings. But to have all three is kind of impossible.
• I want to sleep now.

376: if it’s too loud, you’re too old

Happenings of the past (last) week of holidays;

362: and do you know what you’re doing to me

I hate the way I still prac-crit everything you say even though my English is better.

I know I keep asking, so you and me, babe, how about it under a convenient streetlight. I wish I could serenade you, step out of the shade. And you’ll reply from the top window, just like in the song. Everything’s happened; it can’t un-happen itself. You and I — maybe we’re only brief encounters, nothing else. 

360: don’t you count on me

Whoever said that law didn’t involve mathematics is a liar.

I want to faint and die. What the hell is this? Comparative Corporate Governance, pfft, go die in a fire somewhere!

355: in the mood for love

(Don’t walk away, then turn and say “I love you,” anyway, / you come for the week to love me, and then you up and leave next day.) 

337: and where are the deep shelters?

I have been probably pushing myself too hard. There are things that I don’t need to do, but I have been doing them anyway. This includes stupid things like reading articles and cross-referencing them, putting in citations in my own paper that cite this article which cited that article on this page under this footnote, and drawing an insane number of mindmaps for that last International Company Law exam just so I would remember everything, which I didn’t, in the end. The last three weeks have been crazy and mad, and I’d like to say I’ve barely had time to think, but the truth is I’ve been thinking a lot (and maybe too much), and I don’t like what I come up with. Everything I write does not make sense, now that I read it again, and even though I passed my exam, I am still somewhat unhappy with the results. I want to do well, even if I don’t have to, and this bugs me. Am I asking for too much?

335: she’ll take a tumble on you

The semester is almost over. As usual one is struck by how fast time flies, and the way in which it has flown. People have already gone home, to wherever they came from, and one recalls the tears that I find myself unable to shed. Maybe it was because I was not the one leaving; maybe I did not have sufficient connections with these people. There were lovely people, people I wish I’d known better were I not caught up in my own drama, but three months and meaningful friendships are hard to sustain. One is aware that this is not an excuse and that I could have, if I tried, or bothered to try. That being said, maybe next semester will be different, and one can always hope for the best. Making new friends, sustaining them, remembering why I am here in the first place, living for myself. The world is now and forever waiting for me to explore it. For once I will try not to be defeated by my own inaction. 

333: fireworks in lake michigan

As usual, I have not done anything (much) today. I have an exam on Monday but I’ve barely started studying. This would be better if it were actually graded so I could feel more fear, or written so that I could feel less. As it is, it’s an oral exam. I’m scared shitless and yet not, and my brain is continually pushing waves of apathy towards me. 

332: where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about

… we’ve got so much to do, but only so many hours in a day. And we can dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true.

I have decided to update this post everyday for a week with the things that make me happy everyday. It is time for some POSITIVITY! Also, strange how they say people only blog when they are either 1) very depressed 2) very free 3) very busy. I suppose this must be true, because I do it all the time. 

331: we can stick around and see this night through

I told someone before that there was no way I was going down the same road again, but it seems that I am, anyway. I’m not making excuses, and who knows how long this will take, and it saddens me a little that I was arrogant enough to think I could overcome it. Because I have, before, and why not this time, right? It’s true; I’m a proud person, and perhaps insanely so. I’ve been brought up to believe that I can do anything, and by extension, if I must do something, it should be something I can do alone. It is perhaps part of being alone all your life; you learn to do things by yourself, or you remain at the bottom of the well. 

Because there is no point in continually dwelling on things I know I cannot change, I am going to try and make myself happy as I possibly can. And yes–there is no point dragging my cumulative luggage with me, though that takes a while to sink in and I probably have to keep telling myself that a million and one times, possibly to no avail. It is hard not to lapse back into the past when I honestly cannot remember the last time I was alone. But on the other hand I am only blind if I do not want to see. I have been talking to K a lot recently, and I am glad he is here; few people are as honest with me as he is, and after all these years, it’s funny how we can pick up where we left off. 

So, the things that made me happy today:

326: look what love gave us

These few days have been better, but it might have been all the alcohol.

Everyone is going home soon, and it’s hard to fathom that one semester has already passed us by. In these three months so many things, good and bad, have happened, sometimes changing our lives irreversibly. Whatever it is, whether it’s the people we’ve met or the people who have left or are leaving, this exchange year is shaping up to be an unforgettable one.

311: cos i’m coming home again

All this cycling home half-drunk is bound to take a toll on us one day.

For the less experienced among us, I have already crashed into a wall and fallen off trying to mount a kerb with my bike while trying to bike home while high just now.

Apparently this is quite a common occurrence. That I only ended up with a bleeding shin is a blessing in itself.

309: see your shoes and your spirits rise

Before we all know it, I’ve been here for more than a week. Over these few days there have been so many happenings, so many parties, so many exciting things to tell. From the first week of meeting new people and crazy random parties with lots and lots (and lots) of drinking, to cooking totally random food in the kitchen, we’ve also changed our housemate. He used to be an American who smoked weed all day and stayed on the top floor, but he moved out because of the rent and now we have a new Iranian housemate whose wife is coming to stay with him starting sometime this week. He is also Muslim, so we are having to deal with all this at one go. 

307: all your stereotypes

Americans are noisy, Spanish girls are hot, Japanese guys are super hot, the Germans think Erdinger is good shit, the Chinese are fucking everywhere, and omg. OH MY GOD.

HOLLAND FUCKING SMELLS OF WEED.

(OK. That was my update. Other than that orientation’s been fun. But there is so much alcohol, and especially when it costs 1-2 euros a pint, everybody drinks like crazy. At orientation functions beer is FREE, and it’s pretty good beer, the pubs are everywhere, people are happy, and omg the weed. Today there was an impromptu party at the hostels near the university, so everyone went down to the lawn and brought down couches and like 5 cases of beer and a couple of bottles of wine. So many people turned up, from everywhere, and it was so good talking to everyone. The weather was great and it wasn’t cold at all, we were warm from the alcohol and talking so much nonsense, and Sharm has just stumbled off to bed. On the bad side it cost us $20 (11 euros) for a cab ride. Yesterday there was a welcome drink in the city centre and everyone was just. Drinking. And drinking. And drinking again. Tomorrow there is another party. Everyone is crazy and high and it is kind of funny listening to them talk. My liver is fucking going to die.)

305: 天下无不散之宴席

Last Friday–my last Friday here in a year. 

Pictures behind the cut.

302: ten thousand years

Remember what you have is right in front of you, is the thing they always tell you when they want you to be content with everything you’ve got, even the things you don’t have. Everybody is after all only given so much, and we make the best use of it as we can. Over the past week things haven’t been turbulent as much as they have been eerily quiet; brief spurts of aborted activity in the day slowly give way to the plodding routine of the night. This week things have been different and yet the same.

276: when she’s sad, she comes to me

I thought about it and I thought it would be better if I left it like that. Hours later I’m still wondering why I didn’t pick up the phone. Strange? Maybe yes, maybe no. I keep having to pretend I’m not there or that I forgot about it, or that I completely missed it. It’s selfish to start thinking about how I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now. 

Endless phone calls? How old are you, six?

I don’t even understand why there is all this bitterness on my part. This doesn’t even have anything to do with me. 

I, we. There’s no doubt about it.

274: so you and me, babe

Isn’t it strange how music tastes change all the time? Some songs are still my favourite songs, even though I haven’t played them in ages, and others that I love don’t get as much playtime. Some songs just can’t be looped, if you know what I mean. There’s only so many times you can play a song that’s 11 minutes long, and yet that’s got to be my favourite one. Yet, everything seems to be me, and everything you play– you don’t know it, but it tells me who you are, too. 

A few years ago I would not be caught dead with Asian music on my playlist. Yet I’ve been watching Music Station since I was 12, and I listened to Jacky Cheung in the car, before anything else. I’ve watched more Channel 8 and TVB serials than I can count, and yet I’ve never watched Sex and The City, or Gossip Girl, or Heroes. 

I would say I’m not an English language person, but we all know how that would mean I’m lying. To me they’re just different. My favourite songs in English have beautiful lyrics, things that have meaning, that need you to uncover them like some treasure. There is often a guitar somewhere, and a haunting voice. It speaks to your mind or awakens some memory. My favourite songs in Chinese are all raw, who have simple lyrics that could mean so much more, who tug at your heart strings in a uniquely Chinese way. Like thinking of searching for your face along the street you’ve walked 9 times to no avail, or having your first love buy tickets to a concert you can only think about years later when you’re married and your husband sleeps silently next to you. When I think of English songs I imagine walls must be torn down; Chinese songs speak to you, through those walls. It’s okay if they’re up, so long as you understand them. And they hear you right back.

 

271: i cannot swim in this sea of semantic exercises

When you are totally bored and don’t want to do any work, weird conversations with your friend call out to you.

This is how we spend our time talking about totally irrelevant things.

270: for nurul hur hur hur

Because I am totally bored, its 6am and I can’t sleep, I’m still studying public law, and there are better things to look at.

#

Don’t you think it’s amazing how people can change from this…

 

… to this?

269: お誕生日おめでとう！

It takes a special kind of person to stop coming home drunk after a party. It takes a special kind of person to ignore the flashing lights, the booming music, and the leering eyes. A sea of white shirts wherever you go, squeezing through bodies to get to the toilet. Resisting glass after glass and bottle after bottle of whisky. You think maybe you’d be better off with a beer, or two, or none. A Coke, maybe. Then you think about how there is still work to do tomorrow, Equity and Public Law waiting for you, their siren songs turning to unpleasant wails in your head. Still, it’s a road that must be taken. And still you smell of smoke.  It takes a special kind of person to forget about all this, to let go, and just be happy. As if there is nothing on tomorrow, as if nothing is the way it was yesterday.

We got lost on the way home. It was raining and I couldn’t see anything and I knocked down a cone outside Zouk and the security guard screamed at me. It was mildly unpleasant but somehow it was funny, when everything was a haze. I probably shouldn’t have been driving. 

To the special person tonight who abandoned tomorrow and lived for today, here is your very happy 21st birthday. I know you will remember it forever and ever, even if you can’t really remember anything tomorrow. We are always here to remind you. Hur hur. :)

So the sky turns from black to purple to orange, and still the clock ticks on. When it turns blue we will wake up and life will start again.