372: es muss sein

183: breaking things

“he doesn’t lead me on — i like following him around. it’s not the same thing.”

X came online the other day during my company law lecture and talked to me for a bit, i.e. a grand total of 5 minutes, or less. people sometimes ask me whether i still keep in contact with him, and then turn away slightly as if they don’t really want to hear the answer. i don’t really know the answer myself — sort of, i guess. the answer is that we talk whenever he comes online, which is rare. i’m someone who feels pretty uncomfortable if there are people who don’t want to talk to me (which may be the case as it is), and if they do make an effort i try to as well. the problem with that is the conversation ends up awkward and stilted, as if it should be moving forward but the words just can’t roll along and take us with it. we keep stopping, and stalling, and searching for things to say. words like “haha”, “hmm” and “okay” just exist to take up the time — when all else fails, everyone’s favourite question is “so what are you doing now?”. it happens to the best of us, and sometimes for me even in family situations with cousins or relatives i’m not particularly close to. what do i say that doesn’t sound patronising and/or offensive? the worst thing to say to relatives is making some sort of comment on their appearance e.g. “oh, you’ve grown taller!” when they actually haven’t, etc. which is borne entirely out of a need to be polite and say something to avoid appearing like an antisocial prick at family functions. which makes it all the more painful to have it said to you and recognise clearly that nothing exists in the relationship between you and this relative. i’d rather avoid all awkward conversation and just not talk at all, even if i appear arrogant in the process.

failed relationships are always a strange phenomenon. somehow it seems impossible to believe that all the feeling invested in someone can be blown away so easily, as if nothing had ever happened at all. sometimes these are necessary steps. some relationships hurt other relationships, and must be ended so that others can continue. again, how do you say anything that isn’t patronising and/or offensive? that doesn’t make things worse? that manages somehow to retain the ideally civil relationship between two people who may have felt something for each other, before? then again, being in a relationship requires eyes and ears. there is nothing much that cannot be solved if you are willing to see, and willing to listen.