399: sure

397: living in a rhythm where the minutes’re working overtime

I feel like I’m running around in circles. I’m probably just panicking for no good reason, as I always do, but it’s weird to care and not care at the same time. Just like how I feel 半桶水 about most things nowadays; can’t decide which way to go or another.

I feel a bit guilty sometimes, that I’m never 100% anything. But I get the feeling I don’t know how to. Some part of me’s somewhere far away, dreaming of a time where I can get away from here.

396: we are always running for the thrill of it

You don’t know about the little things that we do without, when that whole mad season comes around.

395: reason #2358435 to do corporate law instead

The best kind of judge —

— is the insulting kind of judge.

394: society, you’re a crazy breed

When you want more than you have, you think you need

When you think more than you want, your thoughts begin to bleed

I think I need to find a bigger place, because when you have more than you think, you need more space

366: and you exploded in my heart

 

The weather needs to get a grip on itself. It keeps alternating raining and not raining, the sun shining and not shining, the sky being cloudy and then not. It needs to stop sending me on rollercoasters because I don’t like being taken for rides.

363: 等下一个天亮

As I get older I realise I am less and less prone to subterfuge. It may be a good thing or it may not, but somehow I can’t find the energy to hide behind words anymore. There used to be a time when I took great pleasure in making everyone guess what I was talking about (strange how people put up with me, sometimes) but nowadays I’m tired of mind games and second guessing all the time.

360: don’t you count on me

Whoever said that law didn’t involve mathematics is a liar.

I want to faint and die. What the hell is this? Comparative Corporate Governance, pfft, go die in a fire somewhere!

357: a sure simple way to reach you

Though you know, some things don’t really change, …

 

355: in the mood for love

(Don’t walk away, then turn and say “I love you,” anyway, / you come for the week to love me, and then you up and leave next day.) 

337: and where are the deep shelters?

I have been probably pushing myself too hard. There are things that I don’t need to do, but I have been doing them anyway. This includes stupid things like reading articles and cross-referencing them, putting in citations in my own paper that cite this article which cited that article on this page under this footnote, and drawing an insane number of mindmaps for that last International Company Law exam just so I would remember everything, which I didn’t, in the end. The last three weeks have been crazy and mad, and I’d like to say I’ve barely had time to think, but the truth is I’ve been thinking a lot (and maybe too much), and I don’t like what I come up with. Everything I write does not make sense, now that I read it again, and even though I passed my exam, I am still somewhat unhappy with the results. I want to do well, even if I don’t have to, and this bugs me. Am I asking for too much?

335: she’ll take a tumble on you

The semester is almost over. As usual one is struck by how fast time flies, and the way in which it has flown. People have already gone home, to wherever they came from, and one recalls the tears that I find myself unable to shed. Maybe it was because I was not the one leaving; maybe I did not have sufficient connections with these people. There were lovely people, people I wish I’d known better were I not caught up in my own drama, but three months and meaningful friendships are hard to sustain. One is aware that this is not an excuse and that I could have, if I tried, or bothered to try. That being said, maybe next semester will be different, and one can always hope for the best. Making new friends, sustaining them, remembering why I am here in the first place, living for myself. The world is now and forever waiting for me to explore it. For once I will try not to be defeated by my own inaction. 

333: fireworks in lake michigan

As usual, I have not done anything (much) today. I have an exam on Monday but I’ve barely started studying. This would be better if it were actually graded so I could feel more fear, or written so that I could feel less. As it is, it’s an oral exam. I’m scared shitless and yet not, and my brain is continually pushing waves of apathy towards me. 

331: we can stick around and see this night through

I told someone before that there was no way I was going down the same road again, but it seems that I am, anyway. I’m not making excuses, and who knows how long this will take, and it saddens me a little that I was arrogant enough to think I could overcome it. Because I have, before, and why not this time, right? It’s true; I’m a proud person, and perhaps insanely so. I’ve been brought up to believe that I can do anything, and by extension, if I must do something, it should be something I can do alone. It is perhaps part of being alone all your life; you learn to do things by yourself, or you remain at the bottom of the well. 

Because there is no point in continually dwelling on things I know I cannot change, I am going to try and make myself happy as I possibly can. And yes–there is no point dragging my cumulative luggage with me, though that takes a while to sink in and I probably have to keep telling myself that a million and one times, possibly to no avail. It is hard not to lapse back into the past when I honestly cannot remember the last time I was alone. But on the other hand I am only blind if I do not want to see. I have been talking to K a lot recently, and I am glad he is here; few people are as honest with me as he is, and after all these years, it’s funny how we can pick up where we left off. 

So, the things that made me happy today:

276: when she’s sad, she comes to me

I thought about it and I thought it would be better if I left it like that. Hours later I’m still wondering why I didn’t pick up the phone. Strange? Maybe yes, maybe no. I keep having to pretend I’m not there or that I forgot about it, or that I completely missed it. It’s selfish to start thinking about how I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now. 

Endless phone calls? How old are you, six?

I don’t even understand why there is all this bitterness on my part. This doesn’t even have anything to do with me. 

I, we. There’s no doubt about it.

275: it don’t mean nothin’

Cut because you know you don’t want to read this unless you’re a fan. I’m turning into a freaking fangirl.

274: so you and me, babe

Isn’t it strange how music tastes change all the time? Some songs are still my favourite songs, even though I haven’t played them in ages, and others that I love don’t get as much playtime. Some songs just can’t be looped, if you know what I mean. There’s only so many times you can play a song that’s 11 minutes long, and yet that’s got to be my favourite one. Yet, everything seems to be me, and everything you play– you don’t know it, but it tells me who you are, too. 

A few years ago I would not be caught dead with Asian music on my playlist. Yet I’ve been watching Music Station since I was 12, and I listened to Jacky Cheung in the car, before anything else. I’ve watched more Channel 8 and TVB serials than I can count, and yet I’ve never watched Sex and The City, or Gossip Girl, or Heroes. 

I would say I’m not an English language person, but we all know how that would mean I’m lying. To me they’re just different. My favourite songs in English have beautiful lyrics, things that have meaning, that need you to uncover them like some treasure. There is often a guitar somewhere, and a haunting voice. It speaks to your mind or awakens some memory. My favourite songs in Chinese are all raw, who have simple lyrics that could mean so much more, who tug at your heart strings in a uniquely Chinese way. Like thinking of searching for your face along the street you’ve walked 9 times to no avail, or having your first love buy tickets to a concert you can only think about years later when you’re married and your husband sleeps silently next to you. When I think of English songs I imagine walls must be torn down; Chinese songs speak to you, through those walls. It’s okay if they’re up, so long as you understand them. And they hear you right back.

 

272: mok mun tat!

Yet another round of Things You Never Needed to Know About Law (School). 

271: i cannot swim in this sea of semantic exercises

When you are totally bored and don’t want to do any work, weird conversations with your friend call out to you.

This is how we spend our time talking about totally irrelevant things.

270: for nurul hur hur hur

Because I am totally bored, its 6am and I can’t sleep, I’m still studying public law, and there are better things to look at.

#

Don’t you think it’s amazing how people can change from this…

 

… to this?

269: お誕生日おめでとう！

It takes a special kind of person to stop coming home drunk after a party. It takes a special kind of person to ignore the flashing lights, the booming music, and the leering eyes. A sea of white shirts wherever you go, squeezing through bodies to get to the toilet. Resisting glass after glass and bottle after bottle of whisky. You think maybe you’d be better off with a beer, or two, or none. A Coke, maybe. Then you think about how there is still work to do tomorrow, Equity and Public Law waiting for you, their siren songs turning to unpleasant wails in your head. Still, it’s a road that must be taken. And still you smell of smoke.  It takes a special kind of person to forget about all this, to let go, and just be happy. As if there is nothing on tomorrow, as if nothing is the way it was yesterday.

We got lost on the way home. It was raining and I couldn’t see anything and I knocked down a cone outside Zouk and the security guard screamed at me. It was mildly unpleasant but somehow it was funny, when everything was a haze. I probably shouldn’t have been driving. 

To the special person tonight who abandoned tomorrow and lived for today, here is your very happy 21st birthday. I know you will remember it forever and ever, even if you can’t really remember anything tomorrow. We are always here to remind you. Hur hur. :)

So the sky turns from black to purple to orange, and still the clock ticks on. When it turns blue we will wake up and life will start again.

268: seriously

Whoever typed “moots lawr grade” to get to my blog, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you want to know so badly, you should just ask your friends, instead of searching online to see if they blogged about it. 

…

267: CLOSE THE DOOR

Continuing my new and exciting series of Things You Never Needed To Know About Law, here is the following judgment from the former Justice of Appeal Karthigesu.

 

 

Everybody, all together now: WTF?

 

ETA: Okay, everybody needs to compare that with this from Lord Justice Chadwick:

266: 你是我的花朵

 

爱你伍佰年！Thank you for the ticket, guys. It was so wonderful. I sat 10 rows from the stage and I got to see every single detail up close, properly, including his 34869759 guitar changes (beautiful guitars too!) and everyone was jumping up and down with lightsticks and generally going crazy. I didn’t sit down at all the whole time, and that was over 3 hours. He gave two encores, there was a lot of fireworks, and random confetti. Whoever said Singaporeans are staid obviously aren’t going to the right concert. Chinese fans are seriously crazy. It was so fun. That said, I have never seen so many Ah Bengs congregated in one area before. Hahaha. 

#

 

In other news…

 

265: teo soh lung’s friend

Everybody’s favourite quote,

 

By the way, programs that can highlight PDF documents = win. I am obviously really interested in my work.