358: 心会痛，心也会感动

从没有放弃过心中的理想

… 不知不觉已变淡，心里爱

340: worn me down like a road

She’s so pretty — and you´re so damn right –

but I’m so tired of thinking about her again tonight

339: remember 2008

The year has been eventful, to say the least. I ushered in the new year at the beginning of the year (last year, now) in a variety of circumstances; every year with the Hwa Chong people, screaming “Happy New Year” at the top of our voices around the swimming pool, and then drinking Raffles beer at the front of Block B, our cars parked in a perfect straight line along the parallel parking lots. I was wearing a red dress, I remember, and the rest were happy and drunken.

335: she’ll take a tumble on you

The semester is almost over. As usual one is struck by how fast time flies, and the way in which it has flown. People have already gone home, to wherever they came from, and one recalls the tears that I find myself unable to shed. Maybe it was because I was not the one leaving; maybe I did not have sufficient connections with these people. There were lovely people, people I wish I’d known better were I not caught up in my own drama, but three months and meaningful friendships are hard to sustain. One is aware that this is not an excuse and that I could have, if I tried, or bothered to try. That being said, maybe next semester will be different, and one can always hope for the best. Making new friends, sustaining them, remembering why I am here in the first place, living for myself. The world is now and forever waiting for me to explore it. For once I will try not to be defeated by my own inaction. 

334: baby do you remember when

When I turned 21 I wrote somewhere that this may have been the best year of my life. More than 2003, when the world was my oyster and I thought I could do almost do anything, or 2005, where I was older, slightly wiser, proud of having overcome my pain. In 2005 I found friends, friends that have supported me till now, even if I didn’t find love. I worked my ass off and made it to where I am today, I had fun, I laughed. When I turned 21 I had the best birthday I ever had, possibly ever. It was the first time my mother realised, how many people there were besides her who loved me. 

It was a beautiful year, for the most part. I studied hard, I did well, the world was out there, and for once there was real promise, a real hope, a real future. There were friends, amidst the long hours spent in the study room. We spent beautiful hours together, beautiful days, beautiful weeks. I thought I was never more content when you came over and rocked me to sleep, like nothing else mattered, only me. With you I was everything and nothing, and I could be who I was. There was nothing to hide, nothing to run away from. We spent hours on trains, traipsing all over Japan, just you and me and the world out there, waiting for us to explore. We were young and happy, and in love, and I thought we would last forever. In those two weeks there were ups and downs, but I came back more convinced than ever that my choice was right.

This year has been full of decisions, of realisations, happy and sad. There are so many that I have made, and there are so many that I am unsure about now. This year I decided I wanted to spend a year in Europe. This year I decided to make my second year count. This year I decided to rebuild my old friendships, because something is better than nothing, and we have all grown up. And love is a strange thing; it creeps up on you. This year I was never more sure of my feelings. This year I decided who I wanted to marry.

In August Europe was waiting for me, and you, and it was going to be you with me. I wanted to spend these long wintry nights with you, huddled up somewhere, fighting the darkness and the cold.  It would have been just you and me, and love. There have been ups and downs this year, people have changed, people remained unchanged, people died. But everything has been fine, and I pulled through, because I have you, and you have always been there. It would have been 26 months yesterday.

This year I grew up. From intense happiness, to intense pain, I have felt everything there is to feel. I have not felt anything other than happiness in a long, long time, and I have not been alone in equally long. All those nights that I went to sleep with a smile on my face, I remember fondly, and I think about how it is like now. Many things have changed; but many things haven’t. I still think of you everyday, but I cannot tell you anymore. 

Be strong, I tell myself. The world is not ending. But there are walls between us now, walls I can’t climb. There was a time I prayed that these walls, not having to be built up, would never have to be torn down. I remember how we began, those slow, tentative beginnings, and the way we ended, quick and hurried and brutal. In between the beginning and the end there are all these memories, which don’t just drift away and die. Everything that I am has part of you in it. Everyone we love changes us irrevocably, but I wanted it to end with you. 

Between us there has always been the years, there has always been the love — and still, there are always the hours. I’m a selfish idiot, and maybe I’m crazy and stupid, I know that, 

but I love you

332: where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about

… we’ve got so much to do, but only so many hours in a day. And we can dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true.

I have decided to update this post everyday for a week with the things that make me happy everyday. It is time for some POSITIVITY! Also, strange how they say people only blog when they are either 1) very depressed 2) very free 3) very busy. I suppose this must be true, because I do it all the time. 

330: one night in beijing

Things begin, things end, things begin anew. The logic is the same and it is always the same cycle, and everything appears to be a game. You play, you win, you play, you lose, you play. You win again, or you lose. There are never grey areas; everything is one or the other. Still you play. Everything defines itself by something else, and when there are only two alternatives there is always something that has to give. Rarely are we faced with more, and like most life-changing decisions, there is really only one way to properly go about it, which is to say, not at all. Nobody thinks. Nobody cares. We remember the times that we sat together by the riverside, thinking about our lives, wondering where we would go. We eventually came to the conclusion that there was nothing we could do; this is the way it is, this is the flow. If we make a mistake, so be it. It is our life to live. We win, we play, we lose. Everything is a risk and we pursue the exciting rather than the familiar, because we are free, because we are young, because we can. It is the reason why nobody turns back, why nobody wants to be faced with regrets, why everyone looks forward and keeps going, because the past is painful and hard to bear. There are only two alternatives. And yet everything in the present must also have a past, in the same way that it must also have a future. It may not be better, it may not be worse,  just — different. And then how much remains the same is the scariest question, because it is possible to come full circle and realise one has never moved from the same spot. It may be the same as watching someone sit quietly by your side, not saying anything, but understanding. It may be that someone’s back is turned away from you, someone who doesn’t look at you anymore, who doesn’t say anything and will never say anything anymore. It may be the case that having someone is like not having anyone at all; or that we are faced with the ghosts from our past all the time, pretending all the while that someone is there when they are not. 

329: distance has no way of making love understandable

One year ago I wrote about winter. It was exactly a year ago, give or take a day. It was after exams and I was emotional, I was high, I was thinking about a lot of things. It was a year ago, and I made my choice. The other entry’s title seems strangely and funnily ominous now. It’s funny how my feelings haven’t changed, not at all. But people do, and then I remember that I am not enough, not anymore.

It’s snowing outside and I wish I was warmer and had less work to do. I wish for your sake, that I could be happier in this silence. I am trying to be strong, and give you space, because it’s not my world anymore, but it is so hard. It is unbelievably hard.

327: 永远高唱我歌

What somebody said to me today; it was the nicest thing someone’d said to me in a long time. 

 

303: japan: dancing in tokyo

So – here is the last part. We spent three nights in Tokyo, but it was effectively two and half days left because we flew off in the morning. Less words before the cut now because there is just so much more to see in pictures.

293: japan: osaka city riots

18- 21 May.

So, finally, here is Osaka. Most of what they say about Osaka is totally true. It’s a merchant town, and it’s filled with people who love food, love being happy, love being loud and funny and living life. It’s kind of like being Hokkien on crack. Being Japanese, they’re naturally polite, and really really willing to help. They’re the sort of people that, when you are standing alone on the train platform surrounded by your luggage, an elderly lady will totter over to you asking, 大丈夫か？ (Are you all right?). At this point most of what you can say merely consists of ああ、はい (Ah, yes) which is really rude now that I think about it. Yet the same elderly lady, when getting onto the train, will fight you tooth and nail to get in and give you a not-so-friendly push if you dawdle too long at the entrance. Osaka people are always hurrying everywhere; not in the same way as Tokyo or the big cities, where everyone needs to look like they have something very important to do. Here it is pure unadulterated rush. 

We spent four days in Osaka, and they were a good four days. We visited temples and parks, castles, got lost, did lots of shopping, checked out Kennedy’s wildly expensive t-shirts, gawked at more wildly expensive merchandise, ate and walked, and ate, and ate non-stop. 

289: japan: yokohama city lights

It’s early in the morning now, and as usual, I can’t sleep. The sky is red and you know what they say about red skies in the morning and red skies at night. Tonight the moon is full, as it was last night, but tonight the moon hung low behind the tree outside my house and I had to look harder to find it. It’s just like most things, which disappear without you noticing in the hope you’ll look ever harder for them. 

#

This post is about Yokohama, with which I think I might have a special love affair. This is not to say that I didn’t love all the other cities I went to, but that they mean different things to me. Tokyo is the place of childhood and dreams, mainly because I went there so many times when I was younger, though as you grow older you discover its ever-increasing adult attractions. Osaka was all about food and relaxation and just generally having fun doing everything and nothing. Kyoto was full of history, but Yokohama…

Yokohama is full of lights and romance. Yokohama is the place you bring girls to when you want to impress them. It doesn’t seem like much because it’s so near Tokyo and it’s so easy to overlook, but it retains that particular, off-centre, sort of feeling. It’s near but not too near. It has its own voice, its own attractions, its own history. Some people say Chinatown wasn’t too interesting; sometimes you just need to know where to look. Stepping into Minato Mirai is fascinating precisely because we’re at an age where we can appreciate it, still: the free theme parks, ferris wheels, lights across the sea, the red brick warehouses and the smoke curling up from beneath the windows. It seriously is the number one place to bring a girl on a date. It is so romantic you can choke. 

288: japan: tokyo story

Erm. I’m sorry this took so long, but there were really a lot of pictures. 

282: 写真を撮って、いいですか？

Just a quick post: in Yokohama now, heading to Osaka tomorrow morning.

Everybody loves Japan, yes? I am no exception. I wish I could stay here forever, but we all know that’s not possible. However I thoroughly indulged my fangirl self ogling cute boys everywhere (and the girls are so pretty) including random Kanjani8 Nissin Cup Noodle advertisements in the subway, caved in and bought two KAT-TUN DVDs (haha did you know Johnny’s Entertainment has their own separate section in HMV?) and a magazine (the one where the photo below appears) while my boyfriend dragged me all across Harajuku and Shibuya shopping and looking for his weird obscure underground shops. Oh, and he bought about half of Uniqlo as well. Also, I have overheard more conversations about the merits of Akanishi vs Kamenashi vs random Japanese celebrity from girls with their boyfriends than I can count. Starbucks is freaking everywhere.

Today was good: Yokohama is a pretty place. Pictures when I come back; the night lights are beautiful. I’ve also sat more rollercoasters than I can count, including the ones in Disneyland (the parade was magical omg, but I got sunburnt haha) and some random super drop rollercoaster in Yokohama today, in a free theme park no less!

Lots of food. Ate orgasmic sushi at Tsukiji it’s like food porn. Really can die.　And my Japanese is super bad it’s so embarrassing.

More when I get internet again.

281: 日本行こう！

Pretty boys await. Back on the 27th.

じゃ、またね！

277: the kids are alright

Obviously I had no time to do this before today. So even if it’s 1.5 months late, thank you:

266: 你是我的花朵

 

爱你伍佰年！Thank you for the ticket, guys. It was so wonderful. I sat 10 rows from the stage and I got to see every single detail up close, properly, including his 34869759 guitar changes (beautiful guitars too!) and everyone was jumping up and down with lightsticks and generally going crazy. I didn’t sit down at all the whole time, and that was over 3 hours. He gave two encores, there was a lot of fireworks, and random confetti. Whoever said Singaporeans are staid obviously aren’t going to the right concert. Chinese fans are seriously crazy. It was so fun. That said, I have never seen so many Ah Bengs congregated in one area before. Hahaha. 

#

 

In other news…

 

251: and one man in his life plays many parts

It’s 9.40 in the morning on a Sunday, a fact which is very surprising because I’m actually awake to record it. It reminds me of the time I woke up at 7+ on a Sunday morning to drive to Starbucks at Liat Towers to have breakfast by myself before (sadly) heading to school for a round of intensive studying. I don’t know what it is with me and Sundays, but I like them. Even more so when I don’t have to go to church. It might be the fact that I slept at 7pm last night though. 

247: look at the stars

235: remember 2007

And so — how has it all changed?

This year things are very different. For one, I’m now typing in caps. I don’t know why, maybe I think it looks nicer, but actually I just wanted to do it for that particular post, but now I’m stuck doing it because I like uniformity (gasp) and I can’t stand it if the post is anomalous, not anymore. Which is also why I’m in the process of changing all my ITunes song info into capital letters, after I spent nearly three days changing everything to small letters when I first got ITunes, back in 2004. Maybe it marks a transition; who knows.

Being in university changes things. For one, I no longer really see January as the start of a new year, since I’m still in the middle of a school year, with the promise of a second semester, a second chance, looming in the horizon. It makes things that happened this January so far away, back in my first year of university, though still part of 2007. And it started with nearly getting bombed in Bangkok, spending our New Year’s Eve in a hostel room huddled together, playing drunken games with lots of beer, because that was the only thing we could do. In that time, how much I really felt as if I grew up was a mystery, and it has yet to be solved.

There were lots of holidays; a lot of travelling, and breaks. From Bangkok with my friends to spending a night in a chalet all by myself, Malacca, to visiting Bangkok with my mum when my dad first relocated (with all the promise, yet again, of strengthening old relationships, putting water under the bridge, etc), to Hong Kong, that wonderful place I will always love. During summer holidays, I went out unafraid into the sun for the first time, in a long time, without getting burnt, or any side effects that come with usually being in the sun. For those who have never had this problem, you cannot imagine how liberating it was, or how frustrating it must have been, all those years when I was never allowed to do anything for prolonged periods under the sun (effectively putting an end to whatever burgeoning sports career I had). The beach was there, and so was the sun. With the sun, came the food writing, and somehow I spent all those suntanning days reading about food; Anthony Bourdain, Jeffrey Steingarten, Ruth Reichl. Dealing with Law Camp in between. Crashing my car on the way to Ian’s house. And then, the drunken parties, the heart-to-heart talks, seeing how social dynamics changed from semester to semester, and all the histrionics that the aftermath of being in clubs brings. Seeing relationships get ruined, slowly but surely, with all the force of an oncoming train but being powerless to stop it, too much alcohol, a wayward hand, and strangely enough, struggles for power. When you think you can do anything, you really will.

Then there was the most difficult part; dealing with the aftermath of last year. When you think it is all over, it starts again. There was summer, when everyone came back, and there was MAF. Where I renewed old friendships and was glad for them, knowing nothing could replace them, and yet, feeling so far away. With each year comes the renewed feelings of clutching at straws. But no, some things are only as big as what you make of it, and I will take it as it comes, drunken spontaneous forays into Zouk after drinking like delinquents outside Cineleisure, and all.

This was the year I bared the most of myself, and had the most heartfelt conversations with people. Some regarding love, or life, relationships, family. There was lots of alcohol involved, or I would not have said anything most of the time. Circles of trust, in the dead of night with a dozen shots down, smiling drunkenly at each other. I wonder now if I really knew the impact of what I was saying, but no matter now. And a random day of skipping school, going to Far East, just hanging out and talking. We were supposed to have lunch, but we ended up talking for three hours. I was scared, most of the time: of disappointing myself, loved ones, hearing doors close, phones slammed, messages deleted. Communication being cut off. Things that didn’t appear to matter suddenly did, and became bigger than they were. When family to me was still a belated, distant concept. Maybe it still is now. Maybe my feelings are an intellectual construct. Who knows? And I thought to myself, maybe things would change, but they didn’t. Was it regret? Nobody knows. But I think not. Somehow this year I found out, and perhaps admitted to myself, what I knew all along, which is that people don’t change, or change irrevocably.

Am I too old to dwell on my pain? Maybe, and maybe I need to get over myself, or anything that stands in my way. We always have these conversations about people without realizing they are equally applicable to ourselves. Strangely enough, the best thing that may have happened to me was probably getting banned from Bogglific, without which I would have wasted my entire life away. And those days were dark. In April I huddled in classrooms, shivering from the cold on weekdays and sweating like a pig on Sundays, when the aircon was off. Waking up obscenely early, and going home at obscene times. Killing myself over moots with Patrick, determined that I should do a good job, practising again and again in front of people, getting shot down by questions again and again in front of a full classroom, going up in court, delivering my argument. I was damn bloody scared, but who wasn’t? Then, in second year, all those trial/advocacy tutorials, which we never put in effort for, till the last minute, where I decided that even if it wasn’t really graded, I would do this properly. In November, I left school at 4am on a regular basis, going home only to bathe and change, then come back, and start again. Getting intimately acquainted with the numerous delivery services across the island, bringing our own exam wellness pack, staying in the study room where the same old same old people came in everyday, sending each other nostalgic Chinese songs from our childhood and beyond. I went to Starbucks almost every other day, having some version of coffee or another. While I listened to Wu Bai on repeat I looked through mortgages again and again, trying to remember the rights of a mortgagee, arguing with others over the duties of a director, and what happens with a legal or equitable lease, making stupid and utterly lame lawyer jokes. Chomping on wasabi peas to keep me awake, constantly hounding the co-op auntie to bring new stocks in. Sitting outside on the canteen chairs way after closing, so that mine was the only chair left outside when the night ended. Seeing the number of cars along the front of the school dwindle to just mine, and whoever was in the study room. Honestly, I have never taken so much pride in my work.

And then, after all of it, I must let it go. All those notes, thrown in some random corner, while DVDs and Japanese dramas and random history books take centrestage. Then I went to Starbucks again and again, this time doing nothing but lazing around, reading and having a coffee, just like I dreamed of during the exams. And I took pleasure in the rain, the cool weather, pretended it was winter and it was freezing, though January is coming and it is no longer all rain and clouds. Tonight I saw the most stars in a year, and I thought of the time I was 15 in OBS looking at Orion’s Belt on Pulau Ubin, and that black, black sky in Mongolia where I stared up with no lights on for miles and miles, my legs up in the air. It reminded me of Christmas Day, with familiar and comforting rituals, which I know are about to end, because now all the boys will be going overseas, and nobody will come back anymore. Then I remembered that overwhelming disturbance I felt that day, whether it was due to family or new information or not, I will never know. As I drove home that night at 4am, it felt a little melancholy. It seems every Christmas there is some little saga, some revelation, and whether for better or for worse, at least some things remain constant.

#

I felt as if I should mention you, but I didn’t know where to put it. But you are everywhere, so maybe there is no need after all.

232: gone away is the bluebird

Went to the toy museum at Seah Street today. 

208: so this break is a break-up

strange, isn’t it? life is not turning out the way everyone thought it would be.

J told me the other day that i am not a romantic. that i don’t believe in forever, don’t think about getting married when i’m in a relationship, about having kids together and living life like an old couple in years to come. and yes i don’t, but that doesn’t make me unromantic. why think about the future (and so far ahead) when you have the present? why do you spend your days thinking about what’s going to happen and forgetting that if you don’t keep the person here, right here right now, all your daydreaming is going to go to the dogs? to me, that’s not a smart thing to do. and that’s not because i don’t believe in love, because i do. but it’s not all sweet smells and roses and walking down the aisle. to me the greatest fear of thinking so far ahead is that you will end up regretting it, when it is all gone. it seems at once presumptuous and pompous, to assume you’d (he’d) be the one. as if all of it were something you could take for granted, that lasted forever and forever.

and no, so i can’t do that. i don’t do that. at the end of the day i feel stupid, for wishful thinking. maybe it’s the painful voice of experience talking on my part (okay it is, but you don’t know everything, so don’t judge.). people change. sometimes forever is not an option.

#

today we handed in our assignment. then, with liwong, kaiyong, denise and iris – ramen at robertson quay, dessert at ricciotti (half-price after 9) and pizza. 15% off with UOB card (no GST! gasp). stupid jokes, boggle, half-baked cantonese. i died laughing. it was a good night :)

#

there was so much alcohol on friday. i mostly like anything with green tea. sitting at the playground, just like the year before, only so many things have changed.

outside on the kerb

at the playground – pardon the wonky jeans, and i dunno why i always wear this top in pictures

us stealing food (again)

#

then emo-ing in the KTV on saturday night after a nice old school dinner, rugby finals at jon’s place. i was quite sad england didn’t win, but it was inevitable, it seems. and percy montgomery reminds me of lancelot.

204: stay with me

finally getting down to work on my assignment… after 3 weeks of not doing anything besides choosing my topic and finding a few articles. my goal is to finish the first draft by wednesday. go me!

this week has been good though. mainly because the holidays gave us a week in advance, so completing tutorials and stuff hasn’t been that hectic. i spent most of our anniversary on thursday eating – lunch at hua ting, dessert at ps cafe, then jap buffet at ikoi. i don’t think we did anything else, though i was very tired by the end of it. went to oosh! at dempsey last night to watch marcus play after having trial/advo at raffles place, where we had the longest tutorial to date. at first i thought it was the freshie marcus, which made me wonder why so many year2s (from everywhere and random social circles) were going, but clearly i was mistaken. oops. but marcus played very nice songs and that made me happy. and the drinks at oosh are expensive, even though it was a very very very (x10) nice place. i wish i had a house like that!

i just watched half of densha otoko (電車男) the movie starring yamada takayuki (山田孝之), whom i like very very much. he’s not really hot in the normal sort of way (cheryl toh was amazed by this super-hot guy she glimpsed on my computer while i was watching taiyou no uta – think his name is kaname jun) but just has this charm. i first watched him in waterboys (ok don’t laugh) while i was in japan and my host sister (errr, the daughter in the host family i was staying with) loved the series. so i watched it all raw, in japanese, without subtitles. while i was there i watched crying out love in the centre of the world, which was showing on tv at that moment. i think watching jap dramas is the only reason why my japanese is still not that rusty now… hmm.

ok. need to stop talking about all this. shall go do my work now!!

197: gina works at diners all day

yesterday while we were at the beach (blissfully empty on a non-holiday wednesday afternoon) i thought about a lot of things, even while i was reading my anthony bourdain book, for the 348694867th time. the first was that some things are so unnecessary, but people strive hard to work at it anyway – like the new and random carpark they have just scratched out from what used to be a nice open space. on the beach. and second, is how much things can change in a few months. the last time i was at palawan beach station-mastering for beach bash, the playground and signage was used as a landmark to identify the offending spot. when we went back yesterday i looked around and wondered why things looked different but i just couldn’t put a finger on it. then i realised the playground and the signs were all gone, leaving only a bunch of trees and sand. if you were not there recently enough to remember, you would completely forget it was ever there.

a couple of other things happened yesterday.

my journal ran out a few weeks ago, but i didn’t get down to buying one for a long time. so i bought one yesterday because i was getting grumpier thinking about all the things i wanted to be writing down, then remembering that i have no more space and no new book to write on. the bf said he’d get me one for an anniversary present but i was going crazy and refused to wait that long. so. i have a brand new book to fill up for the next year. i realise that my journals are synonymous with certain periods in my life, and the last one documented the most turbulent changes. the university, the applications, adjusting, everything. it is nice to have that part of life filed away now, i guess.

oh and very gayly, i am now addicted to starbucks’ green tea latte. and last night i won my first ebay auction! managed to get a dress for $50 when it was originally $164. proud of self. and i don’t understand why the last 50 words of my assignment are so hard to cut. aarrggh. and my ‘W’ key is falling out.

it was mok’s 22nd, and we went to butter factory both for that, and pop/re/tart. which is free for all nus students if you flash your matric card, and the music is 45703468x better than mambo. so i realised that my style of dancing varies with the music, and yesterday was alot of flailing about and jumping (lots of jumping) like at a gig. and now i have aches in various weird places to prove it, like the middle of my back. strange.

part of the charm was eating hot bak kut teh at mohd sultan half-stoned and high at 4am when it started to pour.

196: things to note

if you are going to fall asleep on the wheel, you should not have driven at all.

also, if you are not in it, means you are not in it.
and your face will still look the same even after plastic surgery, i.e. fugly.

cheers to all who got high and wasted tonight though, it was one of the best nights out ever, barring a few things. but the music was smashing. who else mixes bon jovi with peter, bjorn and john? only poptart. aww yeah (: