391: five hundred days is pretty long

The only people for me are the mad ones.

(As usual, cut for spoilers, 500 Days of Summer.)

387: circa july 2005

Four years on, nothing has changed.

There are many things that will tear you apart if you let them, and all of them have lines.

377: people are like electrons

332: where’s the fire, what’s the hurry about

… we’ve got so much to do, but only so many hours in a day. And we can dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true.

I have decided to update this post everyday for a week with the things that make me happy everyday. It is time for some POSITIVITY! Also, strange how they say people only blog when they are either 1) very depressed 2) very free 3) very busy. I suppose this must be true, because I do it all the time. 

330: one night in beijing

Things begin, things end, things begin anew. The logic is the same and it is always the same cycle, and everything appears to be a game. You play, you win, you play, you lose, you play. You win again, or you lose. There are never grey areas; everything is one or the other. Still you play. Everything defines itself by something else, and when there are only two alternatives there is always something that has to give. Rarely are we faced with more, and like most life-changing decisions, there is really only one way to properly go about it, which is to say, not at all. Nobody thinks. Nobody cares. We remember the times that we sat together by the riverside, thinking about our lives, wondering where we would go. We eventually came to the conclusion that there was nothing we could do; this is the way it is, this is the flow. If we make a mistake, so be it. It is our life to live. We win, we play, we lose. Everything is a risk and we pursue the exciting rather than the familiar, because we are free, because we are young, because we can. It is the reason why nobody turns back, why nobody wants to be faced with regrets, why everyone looks forward and keeps going, because the past is painful and hard to bear. There are only two alternatives. And yet everything in the present must also have a past, in the same way that it must also have a future. It may not be better, it may not be worse,  just — different. And then how much remains the same is the scariest question, because it is possible to come full circle and realise one has never moved from the same spot. It may be the same as watching someone sit quietly by your side, not saying anything, but understanding. It may be that someone’s back is turned away from you, someone who doesn’t look at you anymore, who doesn’t say anything and will never say anything anymore. It may be the case that having someone is like not having anyone at all; or that we are faced with the ghosts from our past all the time, pretending all the while that someone is there when they are not. 

327: 永远高唱我歌

What somebody said to me today; it was the nicest thing someone’d said to me in a long time. 

 

322: お前が消えて喜ぶ者にお前のオールをまかせるな

There will be times when I falter, when I lose sight of myself, and what I’m supposed to do. There will be times when I cannot deliver what I promise, times when I don’t tell the truth. There are times when I mock people behind their backs, to their faces, whether I truly mean it or not.

This is me. All of this is me, but I am also other things. And what matters is to know yourself, to know the things that you want and the things you don’t want, to keep looking straight ahead, at the future, even though past mistakes don’t disappear.

When God closes the door, somewhere he opens the window. I’m not everything anyone wants me to be, but I have strength, and courage, and hope, and lots and lots of friends who love me. I know that if I keep believing, things will definitely change.

And whatever happens, you save yourself, or you remain unsaved.

318: excerpts from the various notes strewn around the bedroom of april connolly, february 24 1997

‘Why I should leave… no – Why I’m leaving you for him. Well, let’s see here… well, let’s see; where should I begin? Every night you get annihilated with all your friends, and every night I drink alone until you stumble home wanting some – like some fuck and run. I know you sleep around, I see it in the eyes of those girls. Those fucking girls… they smile and nod, but never offer a single word – I’m just in the way – I’m the ball and chain, you’re the jailbird chirping, “Wow hard life is in the cage!”, how hard it is waking up next to me. Well, you’ve dug this hole, come on and fill me up. When you said you loved me I knew I was getting fucked. You said you’d never let go – all that stopped… you used to turn me on, now we’re just getting off. That’s why i’m leaving you.’

And the drunken erratic response from April’s ex-boyfriend Trevor Post, upon finding said various notes:

You really, really think this guy is gonna make it all right? You told me you could never be in love with another man, “Oh, but this one is it!” But I remember when we met we knew that this was the end. Yeah, I remember – I remember everything – the haircuts, the dollar movies. We used to sneak a six pack in your bag, and wait for a girl to scream or a car to crash so we could crack open our cans. Or the time you shaved my head in the front yard; a passerby stopped to take a picture – we ended up in the paper. And now you want to leave? Well, maybe I forgot a couple things, it doesn’t mean I don’t remember how it feels when you’re lying naked next to me. Valentine, I want to feel your hips pressed up against mine. We’ll push into each other – love’s alive. It might be fleeting, but it’s ours and it’s tonight… so won’t you reconsider love-lost lives? You might be lonely, but I’m still by your side. You might have to leave, but not tonight.

— Cursive

302: ten thousand years

Remember what you have is right in front of you, is the thing they always tell you when they want you to be content with everything you’ve got, even the things you don’t have. Everybody is after all only given so much, and we make the best use of it as we can. Over the past week things haven’t been turbulent as much as they have been eerily quiet; brief spurts of aborted activity in the day slowly give way to the plodding routine of the night. This week things have been different and yet the same.

295: so we come up on different streets

Honestly, when all else fails, you know there’s always Dire Straits.

This is one of the best and most magic performances I have ever, ever seen. JUST LISTEN TO THE SAXOPHONE jdhkgjdhrgvhregjerkgkdgkjgg it makes me so fucking sad but it is so so so good.

294: youth’s like diamonds in the sun

 

So many adventures couldn’t happen today

So many songs we forgot to play

So many dreams swinging out of the blue

We’ll let them come true

274: so you and me, babe

Isn’t it strange how music tastes change all the time? Some songs are still my favourite songs, even though I haven’t played them in ages, and others that I love don’t get as much playtime. Some songs just can’t be looped, if you know what I mean. There’s only so many times you can play a song that’s 11 minutes long, and yet that’s got to be my favourite one. Yet, everything seems to be me, and everything you play– you don’t know it, but it tells me who you are, too. 

A few years ago I would not be caught dead with Asian music on my playlist. Yet I’ve been watching Music Station since I was 12, and I listened to Jacky Cheung in the car, before anything else. I’ve watched more Channel 8 and TVB serials than I can count, and yet I’ve never watched Sex and The City, or Gossip Girl, or Heroes. 

I would say I’m not an English language person, but we all know how that would mean I’m lying. To me they’re just different. My favourite songs in English have beautiful lyrics, things that have meaning, that need you to uncover them like some treasure. There is often a guitar somewhere, and a haunting voice. It speaks to your mind or awakens some memory. My favourite songs in Chinese are all raw, who have simple lyrics that could mean so much more, who tug at your heart strings in a uniquely Chinese way. Like thinking of searching for your face along the street you’ve walked 9 times to no avail, or having your first love buy tickets to a concert you can only think about years later when you’re married and your husband sleeps silently next to you. When I think of English songs I imagine walls must be torn down; Chinese songs speak to you, through those walls. It’s okay if they’re up, so long as you understand them. And they hear you right back.

 

217: 你的爱还在不在?

you know, it is always amazing how things pass by really fast – in just two hours, CLT was over, and i could get on with my life.

which now consists of property and company law. not terribly exciting, to be sure, but one step closer to the finish line. and more and more, i find myself inching closer to the second half of the class.

okay. that’s enough depressing talk, because nobody likes it when people whine about studies and how they are supposed to be brilliant but their grades are not reflecting it. so i will talk about how i love 伍佰.

yesterday while we were in school, i concluded that we should set up a co-op exchanging chinese songs – from the past. songs you remember singing from your primary school days, when you were small and young and watched on channel 8, formerly known as SBC (and the no transmission sign on premier 12 was rainbow-coloured). like 被动 (LIVE), 红蜻蜓 (by 小虎队 — so long ago), 你知道我在等你吗？and the one and only famous song that 黎明 has: 今夜你会不会来?

(你的爱还在不在?)

and so after that i went on a downloading spree, and now i have lots of songs to tide me through those long and lonely nights in the study room. and if 伍佰 ever came for a concert, i would so go and watch. AHHH!

i observed a disturbing trend in all this, which i told mok last night, which was that all of us exchanging songs somehow appeared to be from hwachong. HAHA! (:

today is sunday – the jacob ballas garden is full, yet again. people with big cars should not have the licence to any how park. they are contractual licensees! they can be chased out at any time! wah lao! slap them. and then they park and block the entrance to the car park some more, with their huge black hulking mercedes SUV.

you think just because you are rich means you can any how park is it?! KNN! (*#%&&#%!!! zzz.

/rant

211: 为什么最真的心 碰不到最好的人

at the risk of sounding like an old fogey, i realise that times have changed, or maybe we just get older.

do teenagers these days get more money? (it seems strange at first to say it as if we were a totally different generation, which upon hindsight, is unfortunately the case) randomly blogsurfing at 3am in the middle of the night i realise that these days … people go everywhere. they celebrate everything. anniversaries, monthlyversaries (!?!), and for the more cynical, by weeks. celebrations that justify expensive dinners and maybe a pair of louboutins, the obligatory flowers. disappointments are quickly hidden if the day doesn’t live up to your expectations, because you can’t hurt someone else’s feelings on such a special day. back then, nobody went anywhere so special… now 18 year olds are going to il lido for their anniversaries, and not just spending on one measly plate of something. maybe standards are going up. or the people i know are getting richer. or something. but it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable… where does all the money come from?

strangely enough, aside from this year’s, i have never formally celebrated an anniversary before. nor do i remember even getting texted about the event. tempting as it might be to make the assumption, this is not because none of my relationships thus far have lasted past a year. and if you did think that, maybe you need to go away and rethink your priorities in life.

#

yes, i am bitter. i just watched two episodes of byakuyakou (白夜行) and i cannot bring myself to watch any further. everything about it scares me. and i am scared to admit that i am scared of watching it. if you lie once, you have to keep lying again and again to cover it up.

exams are coming and i am still stuck doing this stupid mock trial. i hate wasting time on it, but i want to win, even if it’s just a pass/fail subject. this bodes ill for my other subjects.

#

someone i knew died this morning. i have known her almost all my life, as has my mother, and my grandmother. she was my grandmother’s oldest friend, from the days when coming to singapore was an arduous journey on steamship and people still used rickshaws to get around five-foot ways. callous as it sounds, i can’t decide if i’m sad or not. it appears to be a tragic flaw in my character, filing all these things away. but unlike other things, death is certain, and it makes things easier to bear.

how different, to be old and treasure life, and to be young and reckless with it.

208: so this break is a break-up

strange, isn’t it? life is not turning out the way everyone thought it would be.

J told me the other day that i am not a romantic. that i don’t believe in forever, don’t think about getting married when i’m in a relationship, about having kids together and living life like an old couple in years to come. and yes i don’t, but that doesn’t make me unromantic. why think about the future (and so far ahead) when you have the present? why do you spend your days thinking about what’s going to happen and forgetting that if you don’t keep the person here, right here right now, all your daydreaming is going to go to the dogs? to me, that’s not a smart thing to do. and that’s not because i don’t believe in love, because i do. but it’s not all sweet smells and roses and walking down the aisle. to me the greatest fear of thinking so far ahead is that you will end up regretting it, when it is all gone. it seems at once presumptuous and pompous, to assume you’d (he’d) be the one. as if all of it were something you could take for granted, that lasted forever and forever.

and no, so i can’t do that. i don’t do that. at the end of the day i feel stupid, for wishful thinking. maybe it’s the painful voice of experience talking on my part (okay it is, but you don’t know everything, so don’t judge.). people change. sometimes forever is not an option.

#

today we handed in our assignment. then, with liwong, kaiyong, denise and iris – ramen at robertson quay, dessert at ricciotti (half-price after 9) and pizza. 15% off with UOB card (no GST! gasp). stupid jokes, boggle, half-baked cantonese. i died laughing. it was a good night :)

#

there was so much alcohol on friday. i mostly like anything with green tea. sitting at the playground, just like the year before, only so many things have changed.

outside on the kerb

at the playground – pardon the wonky jeans, and i dunno why i always wear this top in pictures

us stealing food (again)

#

then emo-ing in the KTV on saturday night after a nice old school dinner, rugby finals at jon’s place. i was quite sad england didn’t win, but it was inevitable, it seems. and percy montgomery reminds me of lancelot.

202: 但愿人长久

what does it mean to say you regret it? these words keep coming and going, but they never stay. all these sorries and maybes fly over my head, and deposit themselves far, far away, somewhere i can’t see. when i was a child i thought about a lot of things. what i would do if this or that happened, and how i would react. she was shocked to find out i was thinking about certain things, but her silence told me more than i needed to know. she never said anything, because deep down she knew all of it was true.

there are times, like today, when i cannot help it, and i give up trying to be positive and happy, even if it is just for today. it has been a long time since, and it is disturbing to realise that while the reactions have not changed, the reasons for them are different. and the problem remains the same.

i promised her it would not affect me, so i try, but it is not easy, and she knows. which is why we dance around each other lately, giving each other space, because we know the other is hurting. and we give way. it is the only way we survive each day, crawling through this mess, in the hope that somewhere along the way there is a man who will come and save us. but maybe he will never come, and slowly we lose hope.

who knows what happens tomorrow?

明月几时有　把酒问青天
不知天上宫阙　今夕是何年

我欲乘风归去　唯恐琼楼玉宇
高处不胜寒　起舞弄清影　何似在人间

转朱阁　低绮户　照无眠
不应有恨　何事长向别时圆

人有悲欢离合　月有阴晴圆缺
此事古难全　但愿人长久　千里共婵娟

但愿人长久　千里共婵娟

166: jump on board, take a ride, yeah

the past few days have been happy and filled with fun things to do. dropped by robertson quay two days in a row due to coincidence — on wednesday, we went to king’s arcade for lunch and then looked at the picasso exhibition at the tyler print institute. now i’m pretty sure i’m not a prints person, because it all seems very flat and one-dimensional. and lacking something. i like seeing the paint nearly flake off a frame in a museum, or something like that. in any case, picasso’s prints are a bit weird… hard to explain.

on thursday we went to chinatown to karaoke, i paid $7 for parking at a public car park in ann siang hill (sj i am never parking there in the day again!!!), waited for dennis to come till 6pm and sang silly happy songs, had dinner at maxwell, got lost on the way home and took caitlin and kenneth on a joyride around east coast for an hour, and thereafter i rather thick-skinnedly crashed a guys’ night out at brussels sprouts at robertson quay where there was nice beer and yummy mussels. i love robertson quay! such a bummy place!

161: that’s where we wanna go

has it not been awhile? the days have been good, even though i just got my results back on saturday. i’m feeling rather neutral about them — so the less said about them, the better. in any case it’s only been a week since i’ve been back from bangkok, but somehow i’ve managed to spend obscene amounts of money — bought a new dress from gap (white shirtdresses? whee!) while walking about vivocity, after a nice relaxing time at the beach at cafe del mar reading (of all things) about food writing. i am seriously addicted to food writing — just can’t get enough!! met up with nadia after i got back, for lunch, and then the mongolia people yesterday at brewerkz, and then scooted off (in pursuit of sj, who cannot drive, haha) to chinatown for a happy karaoke session. ian knows how to sing chinese songs!!! :O in between i’ve been going to school and doing stuff, bumming with the bf (we’ve been doing lots of reading). on a whim, we went to the wine company at 11pm and bumped into ian, who was working at the time; and after we were done, we moved next door to the prata cafe to have prata and pappadums. ooh. i like! so much eating!!!

it’s nice to be on holiday. i’d take more pictures, but i’m more caught up in life.

155: happy boys and happy girls we’ll be

crimson tide! spent most of saturday night feeling fuzzy and warm, which was very good considering i started getting crampy and had a headache through the night – but then again, i slept at 5am.

it was hong’s birthday party yesterday, the last one in a long long time, since he’s flying off to MIT in september. this year there weren’t 3 cakes (just one) but it was baked with looooove even though d_____ thought it tasted like play-doh (omg when was the last time you played with this stuff!) i think he’s just jealous he doesn’t have someone to bake one for him…

caught up with grace and joel, all the while marvelling at how all the boys remain the same – as full of nonsense as ever! anyway the good thing that came out of that chat with them is that now there is a meet-the-girlfriend session in the works… joel you better go organise it quick!

j came to pick me after and his car got banged, now his headlight has fallen out. it would be funny but it’s evil to laugh, so :x anyway we went back home and watched music and lyrics on my mac – after he protested he didn’t want to watch a bloody movie (kill bill) in the middle of the night. hence, a sappy movie! it was actually quite funny – british humour (: (“maybe this time i will write, and i will write like a human, and not like a … small pekinese dog”)

anyway – here’s some of friday’s happenings (: