(prepare for very long post.)

just read sara’s od entry.

been thinking alot about that. what it means to me to go overseas at this point in time, when i’m seventeen years old and female, spending eight months of my life in a jc then going off — what if i decide by september next year that no, i don’t really want to leave after all? there are so many things holding me back here — my parents, my family, my friends. even the system. i know i often complain how much i hate the system and how there’s so much to be improved on etcetc, but i don’t know for sure that the other side is greener than it is here. i’m scared of being disillusioned, mainly. what if what i find here totally isn’t what i expected to be? i know it’s a highly irrational fear, and more often than not people laugh it off, i laugh it off in front of people, it’s highly irrational but it’s also very real. it holds alot of people back but i know that if i ever get that scholarship, it’s the last reason i’m going to give anyone for not going. mainly because there aren’t alot of reasons why i wouldn’t want to go. my mum has been asking me about the standard of uwc overseas. i don’t know how good it is or how lousy it is but the uwc standard here (unfortunately) doesn’t seem very impressive. i agree with her, actually — if the standard isn’t high (or moderately high, in my case) then there’s really no point in me going. it’s like how i’d really rather stay here in singapore and study in nus if i can’t get into the universities i want overseas. i’m not going to go to some a;sdfh;kjdhgjk university just because i want to get out of singapore, much as i want to.

of course my mum is also convinced i can’t take care of myself when i’m 17 because i’m a total slob (have you seen my room?) but well. i guess these kinda things you learn when you’re forced to learn. i mean she complains about me not being able to wake up without her waking me up in the mornings and throwing my clothes all over the place and how i can’t cook etc but if you’re overseas you eventually learn that if you don’t bloody wake up no one’s going to wake you up. or that if you can’t cook you just go broke eventually buying outside food. which is a bitch because all the uwcs are in like britain norway etc where the exchange rates (compared to singapore) are disgustingly high. that kinda thing. i don’t think that’s really a problem but parents like to rub it in your face anyway.

i can’t say of course that i’m totally dissatisfied with the way things work here. i am convinced (maybe mistakenly) that jc life is going to be alot better than secondary school because i’m actually going to be studying the subjects i like for once, that i’m good at. i really don’t know because some part of me is still convinced that singapore is a hellhole no matter what everyone else says. what i’m scared of also is that what if when i come back everyone has changed. that i don’t know them anymore, and they live on a totally different world and function on a totally different level. my friends are my friends but they’re also other people’s friends, and all there is is just — silence, like sara says.

i’m ashamed to say that there is alot of me in that girl that sara was describing earlier on. i’m sure everyone knows that haha. but i don’t know if i’m ready to give up on singapore yet, because i don’t think i can ever really let go of this place (as i was telling joel last night) the people, the food. the food. haha. :) but yes i’m not ready to quit yet. in spite of what i say i still think this place is worth staying for. that maybe someday i can make a difference to the way this place works and to put it in a cheesy way be the change i want to see in this place. i have claudia ting to thank for that. she taught me alot of things i’d never be able to think about without her, and she helped to put things in perspective for me. i know some people hate her or don’t like her because she doesn’t actually teach per se in class, but if you pay attention you can learn alot from her though its not the conventional textbook kind of knowledge. i’ve never had a teacher that treated me as an equal more than her and regarded my views like they were worth something and i really appreciated that. (this is rapidly turning into a i-love-ting speech) haha oh well. but i want the experience and i don’t think i’d have much of a problem living overseas alone since my house isn’t all that crowded to begin with anyway.

i’ve heard uwc interviewers/interviewers in general look out for someone with passion. with a passion. whatever. i’ve been wondering to myself if i ever really had one. i can speak passionately on all sorts of things but i don’t know if it’s considered a passion, or even if it is — are they things the interviewers want to hear about (for example gay rights hohoho) there’re alot of things i believe in and i’d stand up to defend them if they came under attack (as 412 can testify …) but what exactly is my passion? do i even have one, hoho. many people ask if writing’s counted — since i do it all the time, my book is like forever with me — but it’s not something i can’t live without. (okay actually that is rather debatable) i realised it’s terribly hard for a person to sit down and try to define herself because you don’t know where to start and there are too many grey areas.

i think for the most part i treasure most of everyone around me. i’ve mentioned before that people are unbelievably nice to me so i will not expound on that further. there are of course the people closest to me right now that i really really treasure and i thank God that He actually gave me such people to love me. there are the other friends that my life would be much poorer without. i can’t imagine my life without nadia’s o_Os and charlene’s endless craziness and kitfei’s jumping around. yinshan’s evil eyes. gracelim’s maturity. gracechew’s smiles. andi’s stability. baoen’s theories. daphne’s passion. calista’s animecraze. sara’s postcards :) nurul’s hugs. amy’s sweaty hands. ruth’s naivete. bernice’s dreams. charmaine’s rants. yeatian’s weapons. the list goes on. (notice they’re all girls. there are only that many guys i’m close to so you know who you all are.) i’d like to think i’ll never be alone but nowadays you never really know. people drift away and some come back but how many of them do? i’ve lost a few friends so far: some i regret, others i don’t think about. i would like to have people around me that actually mean something to me because there are so many of them that i can honestly say i don’t feel anything for. and i deeply resent the intrusion of privacy. of any kind. my own privacy. between me and a friend. between me and a group of friends. i hate people who try to be someone they’re not. some people find cliques elitist but hell if you don’t click you just don’t bloody click. that is all i have to say on this matter i have wasted enough time agonising over what to say to this person. no i will not tell you who it is.

i recall a conversation with joel not too long ago when we were talking about some people and their search for identity. some are still trying to find themselves, others more or less know already. he asked me then if i’m one of the latter people, and i think i replied yes. i don’t have alot of illusions left to strip, and while i don’t like to think of myself as disillusioned and cynical because i think angst nowadays is just another word for cool (i mean what the hell is there to complain about anyway? that people are pretentious and they hate you nehnehneh well get used to it. dot.) but well i guess there isn’t really any other word to describe it. my whole outlook on life has changed alot since i was 14 or 15 even though its been just a year or two but when you’re a teenager i suppose that kind of time is like half a lifetime or something. these few years i’ve lost alot of illusions and maybe i’ve gained some new ones, i’ll never really know for sure. some people yearn for childhood innocence at this point in time but i don’t really know how much happier i’d be, given that kind of innocence back. i don’t know that i’d like things to be so pure and simple — my interest has always been in the grey areas (haha) and i don’t know that it would solve the problem at all. i wouldn’t know the things i know now and even though most of those things have come through painful experiences i wouldn’t give it up for anything. my relationships with people taught me alot of things: what to do, what not to do, what to say what not to say, how to deal with people how not to deal with people, how far to go how far not to go. i think it’s amazing how two people can argue with each other 2/3 of their time together (which adds up to approximately 8 or 9 months) and you know your best friend for the better part of 7 or 8 years and you haven’t fought with her yet. i gained firsthand knowledge on how much silences can cut somebody’s heart into pieces because i was the one inflicting it. i learnt how much betrayal (that was for the most part self-induced, in retrospect) can hurt because i was on the receiving end of it. i learnt, also, that there’s always room for a second chance. :) alot of things. all of it makes up who i am in some part and i wouldn’t give it back painful as it’s been just to have some innocence back. i wouldn’t trade identity for innocence. but that’s just me.

i know almost everyone goes through this period of intense angstiness when they’re young. for some it comes early and goes early, for some it comes late and stays late. these few years took alot of the angst out of me because i realised after awhile there isn’t much point in it. i mean i seriously doubt the world gives a fuck whether you hate it or not. or that the people who don’t understand you care whether they understand you or not. i don’t see much point in thinking the world owes you a living or that everyone is obliged to be your friend since ultimately you learn that it isn’t the case at all. i dont know if you call it cynical. but it makes sense to me. you can think other people are naive for believing in things like love and trust and friendship but it doesn’t mean you become all high and mighty and go ‘i am a rock’ and put up walls and barricades of defences and isolate yourself from the rest of the world THEN start saying ‘i am so misunderstood because no one cares about me’. because then i think you’re being extremely stupid. (this is getting angsty HAHA the irony) but ya you don’t go around thinking i am god and everyone needs to understand me. that’s not the way it works. i don’t think very highly of people who treat love like it’s a plaything. i don’t think very highly of people who go out on the streets and get a girlfriend/boyfriend just because it’s cool to have one and dump them three weeks after and then get heartbroken every month. neither do i think very highly of couples these days who are all over each other in the mrt or buses because half the time they’re looking at who’s looking at them, like they’re putting up a show or something. i don’t know that’s just the way i look at it. i think i’m alot happier now that i’ve gotten through all this. it is but of course a necessary stage much as everyone who’s gotten out of it despises it in retrospect. ah well.

and can i just say i think orlando bloom looks damn good in potc. throw away the blonde wig and give him to me au naturel. phwoar.

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i am vaguely annoyed. my comments box as is evident has not been working and i can’t figure why it’s not working!!! ahhh maybe i should just invest in a tagboard dotdotdot. i hate enetation. sulk. anywayyyyyyy hahahhaa have i told you i love my weekends hohoho. i spent the whole morning in tuition yesterday feeling quite productive then i went to toapayoh central to buy lunch home. although my sliced fish beehoon got abit soggy but thats okay! my goodness sliced fish beehoon is like my new favourite food or sth i cannot get enough of it. lemme tell you where the sliced fish beehoon is damn nice. kallang airport!! and theres one near my house somewhere at teck chye terrace i think uhhh just before kovan. and the one at cuppage!! wheee i keep on thinking of going back to cuppage to eat it but somehow i never remember when its actually time to eat dotdotdot. and ohhh yes walking around emerald hill is so fun esp when you’re being gay walking alone up and down and down cairnhill road with all the stupid cars honking about and you’re walking faster than all of them and they’re just like !!! hahahha =D -beams- and anyway yes somehow i kept walking down dark alleys. do you know the alleys behind emerald hill are damn good to kill somebody at. no one goes there man wth …anyway lets not think about the implication of that ya. hmm what else did i do. oh we walked around spotlight again yesterday except hohoho charlene looks different. hahahah =D and then walked around somemore for like 20847433845 years waiting for neek’s parents to come. hahahah it was so stupid and wheee it was damn fun. i am happy i am happy! -bounces about- happy is good. haha

WHEE. I AM HIGH. TODAY IS A GOOD DAY. I HAVE GOTTEN MUCH MUGGING DONE AND I HAVE HAD A NICE WALK. AND A NICE SEESAW RIDE. AMONG OTHER MORE INTERESTING THINGS LIKE ACTING GAY IN MONSTERCUE AND HITTING STUPID SHOTS AND BUMMING AROUND IN SPOTLIGHT LOOKING AT RUBBISH. I AM HAPPY. GO AWAY IF YOU ARE SAD BECAUSE I LIKE MY HAPPINESS THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOODBYE.

i think now is a good time to start setting goals because i realised it is quite unrealistic to aim for 6 judging by the state of my mugging.

english – a1 i will cry if i dont get this la wth
chinese – b3 im being VERY optimistic here
physics – b3
chem – a1
bio – a1
lit – a1 i will also cry if i dont get this …
ss/hist – a2 im not veh hopeful cos my ss suckszor
math – a1
amath – a1

okae now lets calculate. 1 lang 2 math 2 sci 2 humans that will give me 7. can i get 7 hahahah lets see man …. my chem and bio are liable to slip into a2s so thats 9 worst case. okae 9. 9. arghhhh so long as its single digit i dont give a SHIT la arghhhhhh lets just die

woah eff man i am damn s;jdfhdjhg sian of mugging. i am beginning to develop a mortal fear of books do you know. i also have this feeling i will fuck up my prelims no matter what anyone says about me being able to do it. ahhhhhhhhh this SUCKS i hate this whole sljkadfhghdfgh thing i wish i was in rp so at least i can push all this shit back 2 more years. haiyahhh. HAIYAHHHH. -screams- i am stressed and why the hell are there so many popups!!!! THE WORLD HATES ME I SWEAR. I AM IN A I-HATE-WORLD MOOD. ah goddammit lets just jump off a building and rot in a heap on the floor. d;lsjfddfjdjk !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! words cannot express my frustration. i need to get out of the house but if i get out of the house i will not study and if i dont study i will feel guilty and if i feel guilty i will get frustrated all over again. BAHHHH I FEEL LIKE A MACHINER. (machinery. hohoho) you know like the people who live on the goddamn MACHINE fwaaaaaaaaahh. i am going to become white fungus and feel like white pap and my human soul will be utterly isolated and i will be seraphically free from taint of personality and i will kiss my books three times before i go to bed and feel the delirium of acquiescence. CAN YOU TELL IVE BEEN STUDYING MY LIT. GOOD GOD I WANT TO DIE. NOW. NOW. NOW!!!! >_<

friends romans countrymen lend me your ears
i come not to bury caesar but to praise him
the evil that men do oft lives after them
the good is oft interred with their bones
so let it be with caesar

and i cant remember the rest. ah shit. …..

cos he wasn’t that smart and she wasn’t so strong
but they went through the motions as if they belonged
playing their parts in this travelling show
and they havent got too far to go
and then waltzing on glass is no way to survive
when they trip on the truth to fall back on the lies
when happier times seem to balance the lows
but they havent got too far to go

i hate seeing couples break up did i tell you that. its so fucking painful even for an outsider who doesnt know a single shit. arghhhhhh.

heyo. am typing this in school with 2 other people in the classroom cos everyone’s gone out for lunch/study/whatever. and i hate this keyboard. good god. hahaha spent 1/2 an hour trying to find the damn lit classroom today cos the geoggers usurped our classroom for like damn long. ah well yesterday was a fun day! went shopping and bought a new shirt which would’ve been brown except i found a better looking colour hohoho. my mum is convinced i look disgusting in brown and i am forced to concur. alas i wonder how i am going to survive in a hcjc uniform for the next 2 years if i am lucky enough to go there. hoho lets not think about it. anyway i am off to do chem now although bao en seems to have made off with my tys because they’re having chem remedial and she didn’t bring hers. ARGHHH there’s phototaking today for sec1-3 and they’re making like 2948579376 announcements over the pa system it’s fucking irritating. “will ____ please go to the koi pond for phototaking” then the same announcement repeats 2 mins later cos the stupid person hasn’t gotten down yet. blehhhh anyway can i just say that andi is crazy. blue-grey eyes hohoho andi have fun finding someone with green eyes to fuel your sick twisted fantasies. -shakes head-

oh and saturday was highly amusing. i managed to get highly drunk and had wild passionate sex after that. laughs okay chemistry calls.

two days past eighteen
he was waiting for the bus in his army green
sat down in a booth in a cafe there
gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair
he’s a little shy so she gives him a smile
and he said would you mind sittin’ down for a while
and talking to me,
i’m feeling a little low
she said i’m off in an hour and i know where we can go

so they went down and they sat on the pier
he said i bet you got a boyfriend but i don’t care
i got no one to send a letter to
would you mind if i sent one back here to you

i cried
never gonna hold the hand of another guy
too young for him they told her
waitin’ for the love of a travelin’ soldier
over love will never end
waitin’ for the soldier to come back again
never more to be alone when the letter said
a soldier’s coming home

so the letters came from an army camp
in california then vietnam
and he told her of his heart
it might be love and all of the things he was so scared of
he said when it’s getting kinda rough over here
i think of that day sittin’ down at the pier
and i close my eyes and see your pretty smile
don’t worry but i won’t be able to write for awhile

i cried
never gonna hold the hand of another guy
too young for him they told her
waitin’ for the love of a travelin’ soldier
over love will never end
waitin’ for the soldier to come back again
never more to be alone when the letter said
a soldier’s coming home

one friday night at a football game
the lord’s prayer said and the anthem sang
a man said folks would you bow your heads
for a list of local vietnam dead
crying all alone under the stands
was a piccolo player in the marching band
and one name read and nobody really cared
but a pretty little girl with a bow in her hair

i cried
never gonna hold the hand of another guy
too young for him they told her
waitin’ for the love of a travelin’ soldier
over love will never end
waitin’ for the soldier to come back again
never more to be alone when the letter said
a soldier’s coming home

dixie chicks – travelling soldier.

1) i love the peace
2) i love the peace
and 3) i love the peace

it is enough to be simply content with a mug of hot chocolate and a book, curled up by the window on a winter’s day, watching the snowflakes fall to the ground in a blanket of ash, the fire of summer long gone. ah, but what a difference it would make to have a lover next to you. — from the whole ‘perfect guy’ thing. haha.

nothing beats curling up on a sofa with a warm cup of tea while raindrops commit suicide on your window. nothing. well, maybe something. somethings. a few things. but very few things beat things like this. :) really. haha i discovered there are other ways to feel warm on a rainy day. walking around is one of them. hohoho

was feeling kindof aldsgf;dkfjgh last night about everything and nothing at all, i realised these moods like to come on a weekly basis, and it always comes at the end of the week. alas such unhappy times are short-lived due to the fact that i seem to be accosted by insanity at every turn, and when you are surrounded by such people your spirits cannot stay down for long. it is probably a good thing everyone close to me is some sort of weirdo. heh. thank you. you help more than you realise, i’m not lying just to make you happy.

i don’t understand how love can sometimes border on obsession. it scares me utterly. and i pray that i will never have to face this sort of thing in my lifetime, ever.

that was not a hint.

i realised there are many things about a person one can wax lyrical about. it is so easy to sit there and do nothing and simply watch someone else, doing whatever it is they’ve been doing. i have this thing for hands, and smiles, and voices, i realised; i’ve taken to looking at people’s hands just to watch how their fingers taper into nothing, and some of these hands are beautiful. i love beautiful hands. beautiful hands on beautiful people and they’re beautiful because i love them too. neek has nice hands, i still maintain, even if they’re bigger than a girl’s hands are supposed to be. yin shan’s fingers are abnormally long. bao’s hands are nearly as small as mine are, which is surprising for someone her height. yea tian’s hands are bigger than mine, and so are grace lim’s. both are shorter than me. grace has small hands but chubby fingers, yea tian’s look very pale. jinwei’s hands are huge. edward’s hands are small for a guy, but he has nice fingers. i think. pak’s hands are huge, too. actually most guys’ hands are huge compared to mine, because my hands are just this als;gjfdghfjgh tiny. someone who’s 1.43m tall has hands bigger than mine. go figure. …ah well. at least, like neek says, i have nice fingers. and aside from the fact that those fingers are stained with ink most of the time and my nails are this sick shade of blue, they’re fine, i guess. i like my hands. hohoho. :)

oh and you have nice hands. i’m not saying that just because you’re.. you know. i couldn’t help looking at your hands today while you were doing physics and i know those two things have no relation whatsoever but, well, yes i think they’re beautiful hands too. they look girly. =x your fingers are too long. haha maybe it’s got something to do with all these piano-playing people guitar-playing writer people. i have no idea. maybe this is why i think you look gay. your hands are girly. -smiles- haha i feel vaguely amused. no i don’t hate you and don’t you jump out the window. i’m telling the truth

i think you’re a beautiful person.

okay enough hahah ah well today is a good day i guess. managed to get work done even though we bumped into 2495873495 people (okay fine i bumped into 238579345 people) and had to walk from one end of orchard to the other haha. i like weekends they make me happy.

the rain has stopped.

oh my god i feel stressed.

i have one thing to say (ok actually alot of things but this is the gist) : if you are not my best friend, my boyfriend, or my good friend, and are somehow related to any of them, for god’s sake please don’t tell me your problems. there’s nothing i can do, i’m really not interested, and there’s not much i can say without causing a large amount of unhappiness because yes, i think your problems are trivial, yes, i do think you could do so much better for yourself if only you bothered to try, yes, i think you’re too bloody arrogant for your own good, and yes, i think you have to learn that there are certain boundaries between people you cannot overstep. i know there are some people i treat like family because i’ve known them for so long but that doesn’t always include you, i’m sorry. i know you think your sister is being stupid when she picks a fight with you over you replying to her friends, but not everyone needs to know you feel like shit, especially people you’ve never talked to in your life. you do not treat them like old friends the first time you talk to them. call me conventional, uptight, old-fashioned, whatever — i just think this is the way it should be. of course you can just tell me to go to hell and do whatever you like, but if you ask me this is what i will tell you. nothing i tell you now, perhaps, will sink into you, because you’re still in the middle of things, and hindsight is always 6/6 no matter what your vision was during the incident. i know i’m not much older than you, and maybe you don’t think i’m qualified to comment on your behaviour, but some things remain the same even if the ones you’re asking are your parents. trust me. you may hate it, but the things people tell you and you refuse to listen to always turn out true in the end. i learnt the hard way. then again everyone tends to learn the hard way, since rebelliousness seems to be an inherent characteristic of teenagers, so really, i don’t know what to do with you. your sister tells me i shouldn’t do anything, (since it has now been proven that everything i told you is true because you only believe it when your parents tell you the same thing) because you’re not even my brother to begin with, but i’m too nice to tell you to just fuck off. rrrgggg.

(you should just sign out whenever you’re away, you know — then you and i wouldn’t have to endure him talking to me, or other people for that matter. adfgljfhg sorry, but yeah. -_-)

alas, mine absence hath been long indeed, and one wonders if thee hath, in fact, missed me. (one, however, is inclined to say, nay) if thou art pondering the cause of mine absence, or fact that i perchance to speak in dialects of the past, let it be known that this art a result of extreme stress, upon mine nerves and upon mine constitution, that constant peering of books hath such vast effect on me.

i strive now to put to parchment what doth known as thy testimonial, for mine dear comrade neek, for thou art fair and strong, and mine compliments run far indeed to catch up with thee. (5 minutes later) alas, the deed is done, and i can rest at peace, consigning myself to intellectual pursuit of glorious science.

so, fare thee well, my friends! for the journeys toward freedom art long and arduous, and let not the big ‘o’ resign us to our doom. in days to come thou wilt display thy banner of insolence, white and blazing in the eastern sun, pure as white yonder lily. let us fight valiantly and emerge gloriously, mine comrades!

[exeunt]

all greece hates
the still eyes in the white face
the lustre as of olives
where she stands,
and the white hands.

all greece reviles
the wan face when she smiles,
hating it deeper still
when it grows wan and white,
remembering past enchantments
and past ills.

greece sees unmoved,
god’s daughter, born of love,
the beauty of cool feet
and slenderest knees,
could love indeed the maid,
if only she were laid,
white ash amidst funereal cypresses.

helen, h.d.

————————————–
it’s not that i am hiding on the roof
or underneath your table
it’s not that i am counting down from ten
or playing hide-and-seek
it’s not that i am thinking of the past
and consequently feeling older
it’s not like i’ll inherit all the earth
if i destroy the meek

it’s not that i am special
it’s not that i’m indifferent
it’s not that i’m cowardly or vain
it’s not that i’m angry
it’s not that i’m violent
i don’t objectify my pain

but i could break you if i wanted to
be cruel to you and
i could show the world your song
i could break you if i wanted to
be cruel to you cos
i was broken all along

it’s not that i am holding up this chair
and holding up my insight
it’s not that i respect you any less
for giving someone more
it’s not that i regret the things i’ve done
or anything i plan to
it’s not that changing after we descend
will justify before

it’s not that i am stupid
it’s not that i’m scheming
it’s not that i’m searching for a sign
it’s not that i am righteous
it’s not that i’m unfeeling
i don’t expect you to be mine

but i could break you if i wanted to
be cruel to you and
i could show the world your song
but i could break you if i wanted to
be cruel to you cos
i was broken all along

and the things that you told me
don’t mean a thing if you’re not scared
and turning your back on me
won’t leave me weak or unprepared

it’s not like every devastating end
brings a new beginning

matt caplan – broken.

(heaven is a girl i’ve met somewhere – ahah def leppard rox)

some days she finds herself sitting in front of the computer with a face that threatens to break into tears. it’s hard to smile when there’s no one smiling back at you; it’s hard to do much else, actually, when her mind is a complete mess of ropes and strings that seem to be unravelling at an alarming rate. and the scariest part is, she doesn’t know why at all. it’s not like there’s much to complain about: life is good, people love her and she loves people; although she feels sick for no apparent reason and starves and stuffs herself alternately — it’s bad for her, she knows, but she can’t help it — some days it doesn’t occur to her to eat at all because she doesn’t feel hungry, and it’s only when she realises she hasn’t eaten at all that she gets hungry, and then she eats, to the perpetual alarm of all her relatives, like crazy. she’s tired of alot of things, that she could tell you, except she gives you a blank stare when you ask her a question and she can’t respond because nothing is going in, nothing is registering, she can’t concentrate because she’s trying to figure out what it is she can’t ignore, and what she’s trying to ignore she can’t ignore because she’s trying to ignore it and when you try to ignore something you inevitably end up not being able to ignore it. it drives her crazy. she sat in the toilet in heeren for half an hour messaging her mother alternately and trying not to cry, and in the end she gives up because she’s in a goddamn cubicle and who the fuck is there to see anyway, and there’s no one queueing outside because she can’t hear any voices nor the telltale shuffling of feet that accompanies the arrival of people. does anyone know how hard it is to stop crying midway and sound okay? the voices over the phone sound cheerful and ask equally cheerfully, where are you, and she replies, trying to keep the fear out of her voice, the tears, that she’s in the toilet and somewhere in heeren. today she sits in her chair in front of her computer and thinks about yesterday while talking to somebody, who’s pretending to cry to make her laugh, which makes her want to cry even more. she knows it’s nothing to cry about but since when has that stopped anyone from crying about anything, and it fucks her up inside to know that she wants to cry about nothing worth crying about at all. what makes it even more stupid is that halfway through she catches herself and asks herself just why the fuck are you doing this, and she stops for awhile and the tears recede. then it’s okay, and it passes. it scares her, the way she’s killing herself. it gets to the point where she’s thankful that there are people willing to be there for her, but she can’t even tell the difference between milk-flavoured tea and tea-flavoured milk, tea-coloured and tea-stained and whatever the hell else it is that tea does to a person. her tastebuds have gone crazy and so will she, slowly. she knows he’s not gonna fuck around with the part of her life that ain’t his, but she’ll let him anyway, because, well, just because.

the amount of self-hate there is is appalling considering the fact that she hates self-hate and why the fuck is she this self-indulgent anyway it’s pathetic. major clash of principles here but everyone knows that when you’re down you don’t really give a shit. suffering, after all, is relative.

so once again, to herself: shit happens. move on, move on, get a move on.

do you know how much eagles songs apply to you at times.
this is for you

now the flowers in your garden
they don’t smell so sweet so sweet
baby you’ve forgotten
the heaven lying at your feet

so many contradictions
all these messages we’ve sent
keep asking
how do i get outta here
where do i fit in
though the world is torn and changed
even if your heart is breaking
its waiting for you to wake
and someday you will

learn to be still
(just keep on running)

and of course:

well i’m a-running down the road
trying to loosen my load
got a world of trouble on my mind
looking for a lover that won’t blow my cover
she’s so hard to find

well take it easy
take it easy
don’t let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy
lighten up while you still can
don’t even try to understand
just find a place to make your stand
so take it easy

fact of the day!

a blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates; but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. so 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads. that is why the ocean is so salty. do not under any circumstances swallow the water.

this information has been brought to you by my friend’s mother.

this is gay!!! my phone is conking out on me this is damn badddd argh. when i try to reply msgs they just give me this ‘centre number: _____’ thingy and i’m like HUH so i just type in the usual message centre number which incidentally DOESNT WORK and then the ‘phone number’ part comes out so i type the number and it wont send anyway. ….woah gayness and then and then!!! it switches off and on by itself now!! ARGH i thought this was only supposed to happen to like 8310 or sth whyyyyy whywhywhy sulk. i think maybe i dropped it too many times argh.

i just read charlenes blog and realised that it is time also to take stock of the state of my mugging which is quite alsjdhga;jdsfhg.

english – theres nothing hohoho.
chinese – HAHAHA do i look like i mug chinese
both maths – okae la i’ve been doing math like gay cos its the easiest
physics – hohoho. finished 3 prelim papers at least. tys almost done
chem – my organic chem is like gay. and ammonia and sulphur is like half taught finished most of sec3 still need to memorise reactivity series
bio – main topics all done thank god. all thats left is like all the plant and genetics shit cept i cant remember for nuts the circulatory system cos i studied that like last month hahahaha
lit – hahahahah i’m not gonna touch lit till like the weekend before then im just gonna pia julius caesar like crazy
hist – i shall start mugging hist this weekend if not i cant remember anything
ss – uh ss can go and die really. i’ll mug that like 3 days before or sth OMG ITS THE FIRST PAPER HAHAHA who cares.

boredom prevails. hohoho talk about stress relief.

1) what’s on your bedside table?
books. alot of them

2) what’s the geekiest part of your music collection?
uh ahahhahah the acsi band recording.

3) what do you eat when you raid the fridge at night?
chocolate =]

4) what is your secret “guaranteed weeping” film?
the hours. it’s not that secret but yeah. i don’t think it’s even a ‘you’re supposed to cry’ kind of show.

5) if you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
i’m quite happy with my face actually. cept maybe laser on the eyes but it doesnt matter

6) do you have a completely irrational fear? if so, of what?
yeah. clowns. i have a completely irrational fear of clowns considering the fact that they’ve never done anything to me and everything they seem to be able to do is entirely a product of my overactive imagination

7) what is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
when i look far away.

8) do you ever have to beg?
no

9) do you have too many love interests?
hohoho no

10) do you know anyone famous?
well ya i guess. but not very well.

11) describe your bed.
its blue and purple! hohoho. a pillow. two bolsters! one big one small whee. the comforter is damn nice to sleep under hahahah

12) spontaneous or plan?
plan?! do i look like i plan for anything hahhaa

13) who should play you in a movie about your life?
why the hell anyone would wanna make a movie on my life is beyond me

14) do you know how to play poker?
uh. i suppose

15) do you like to color?
hahahah yeah!! it beats drawing cos i cant draw for nuts. haha

16) how do you drive?
i cant

17) what do you miss most about being little?
being small.

18) are you happy with your given name?
i didn’t use to, but now it’s okay i guess. i mean how many clarisses do you know

19) what was the last song you were listening to?
uh sex sleep eat drink dream. by king crimson
hahahah one of those random winamp songs

20) have you ever been in a school play?
hurhurhur bad memories.

22) do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
hm yeah theres not much else to believe in if you dont even believe in yourself

23) have you ever done any illegal drugs?
uh no hohoho.

24) do you think you’re cute?
do i think im cute? OF COS I THINK IM CUTE …….

25) do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
it depends to who but ya i guess im generally ok.

i suppose i should cut some people some slack because i want to fall down and die and bury myself in a hole when i unearth the stuff i wrote two years back.

my only regret is that it might also take him two years.

i was studying at the esplanade two weeks ago and i saw this guy next to me attempting to play a piano which clearly wasn’t meant to be played. this is the result, among other things.

theatres on the bay for lack of a better title.

haven’t been blogging, because since thursday my week has been totally packed. god this weekend’s been good, but i’m too tired to say much about it.

so basically, stayed in school till 830 on thursday for inconversation (which was quite interesting) sth on americans — asad latif makes alot of sense, actually, if you can follow his train of thought and speech pattern. yes. had to take a cab to grand copthorne after that cos my mum conveniently forgot she had to pick me and went for dinner with my cousin. but anyway it was fun cos i haven’t talked to my cousin in ages and he’s a great person to talk to. too bad he’s going in army soon oh well

went to school on friday dressed in red and white to the astonishment of everyone, not only because i followed the dress code for once but also because i actually went to school, and thereafter spent half the day in fort canning looking at the sky, the next 3 hours in the kap cold storage buying a whole trolley of food, and the rest of the day (and night) in edward chia’s house. my god his house rocks it is so damn nice hahaha i love his garden there’s a rambutan tree you can pick rambutans from!!! hahaha yes anyway there was too much food and too much alcohol and too much shit going around . me and neek were acting gay and pak got his pants ripped edward got lifted up mark went crazy candice and sharon were pouring weird shit into their drinks and the guys went crazy trying to start the fire it was so funny. met alot of people i didn’t know before and man i haven’t seen marco in ages hahaha :) i love afua

anyway neek and nadia stayed over at my house but we didn’t do anything cos we were damn tired and i’d been awake since 630 so we just bathed and went to sleep and woke up at 10

spent today studying on the esplanade bridge with people walking past giving me weird looks because i was studying sexual reproduction in animals and the diagrams were in full view of anyone who cared to see, which was apparently alot of people. so yes. and intermittently the camera kept going off and i am now labeled a voyeur cos i take pictures of the weirdest shit. i have a picture of the merlion hahaha yes and i am sunburnt . i don’t believe this this is how gay hahaha oh well. went to andi’s house to watch ndp and took 203857340865 pictures of the fireworks they’re damn nice!!! hahahaha :) yup watched abit of mi:2 before i got chased away by my mum and now i’m here.

oh i forgot to mention i got 4 books for 24 bucks today. am i happy hell yes i am happy. ohohoho more books to read :)

so concludes my very tiring weekend
(i know it doesn’t look tiring but believe me it is)

i realised it is a fairly uncommon occurrence to see me awake in school anytime before 7.30am. and nowadays this phenomenon extends itself to recess, and lunch as well. unless, of course, i am already downstairs having pe — oh just make that already downstairs. 4 floors, i realised, is a pretty long way to climb and sadly i have discovered i am just too lazy to move my ass down to the canteen just to get some food.

i seem to be sleeping in class alot these days, i realised. partly because my sleep cycle is just asdh;fhgfg (as certain people will tell you) and partly because there are alot of things that i realised i don’t have to pay attention to. which is just sad. i find myself looking forward to chinese lessons more than maths even though my maths is 304760386 times better than my chinese, because at least in chinese i actually learn something. bio is a total waste of time because aside from giving tests that seem to be continually postponed and put behind schedule there is nothing worth taking note of in bio class. even her face turns me off it is so irritating. the only fun lessons are probably lit, history and ss. partly because lit is getting more productive of late and hist and ss moreslack. i like watching history videos. i remember a time when the now-defunct premiere 12 kept on showing documentaries on assorted topics. one wonders now where all the documentaries are shown now that the channel has disappeared, for the benefit of those who do not own scv or have no subscription to discovery/natgeo. ah well.

my physics revision, it seems, is quickly becoming a lost cause. i must get an a2 at least. am banking on bio/chem to get my a1s because physics is just . rubbish. i can’t believe i’m saying this but i wish i had mock exams all at one shot too. it might motivate me to study just that much harder. …at this rate my prelims are just gonna be a;lsjdh;afdhgjgh and i realised with horror that as of today there are 27 days left to prelims. i was just telling huiling today that i wasn’t even gonna touch history till 2 weeks before prelims and i realised, quite belatedly, that 2 weeks before prelims is 2 weeks from now. hohoho.

anyway. work calls.