(prepare for very long post.)

just read sara’s od entry.

been thinking alot about that. what it means to me to go overseas at this point in time, when i’m seventeen years old and female, spending eight months of my life in a jc then going off — what if i decide by september next year that no, i don’t really want to leave after all? there are so many things holding me back here — my parents, my family, my friends. even the system. i know i often complain how much i hate the system and how there’s so much to be improved on etcetc, but i don’t know for sure that the other side is greener than it is here. i’m scared of being disillusioned, mainly. what if what i find here totally isn’t what i expected to be? i know it’s a highly irrational fear, and more often than not people laugh it off, i laugh it off in front of people, it’s highly irrational but it’s also very real. it holds alot of people back but i know that if i ever get that scholarship, it’s the last reason i’m going to give anyone for not going. mainly because there aren’t alot of reasons why i wouldn’t want to go. my mum has been asking me about the standard of uwc overseas. i don’t know how good it is or how lousy it is but the uwc standard here (unfortunately) doesn’t seem very impressive. i agree with her, actually — if the standard isn’t high (or moderately high, in my case) then there’s really no point in me going. it’s like how i’d really rather stay here in singapore and study in nus if i can’t get into the universities i want overseas. i’m not going to go to some a;sdfh;kjdhgjk university just because i want to get out of singapore, much as i want to.

of course my mum is also convinced i can’t take care of myself when i’m 17 because i’m a total slob (have you seen my room?) but well. i guess these kinda things you learn when you’re forced to learn. i mean she complains about me not being able to wake up without her waking me up in the mornings and throwing my clothes all over the place and how i can’t cook etc but if you’re overseas you eventually learn that if you don’t bloody wake up no one’s going to wake you up. or that if you can’t cook you just go broke eventually buying outside food. which is a bitch because all the uwcs are in like britain norway etc where the exchange rates (compared to singapore) are disgustingly high. that kinda thing. i don’t think that’s really a problem but parents like to rub it in your face anyway.

i can’t say of course that i’m totally dissatisfied with the way things work here. i am convinced (maybe mistakenly) that jc life is going to be alot better than secondary school because i’m actually going to be studying the subjects i like for once, that i’m good at. i really don’t know because some part of me is still convinced that singapore is a hellhole no matter what everyone else says. what i’m scared of also is that what if when i come back everyone has changed. that i don’t know them anymore, and they live on a totally different world and function on a totally different level. my friends are my friends but they’re also other people’s friends, and all there is is just — silence, like sara says.

i’m ashamed to say that there is alot of me in that girl that sara was describing earlier on. i’m sure everyone knows that haha. but i don’t know if i’m ready to give up on singapore yet, because i don’t think i can ever really let go of this place (as i was telling joel last night) the people, the food. the food. haha. :) but yes i’m not ready to quit yet. in spite of what i say i still think this place is worth staying for. that maybe someday i can make a difference to the way this place works and to put it in a cheesy way be the change i want to see in this place. i have claudia ting to thank for that. she taught me alot of things i’d never be able to think about without her, and she helped to put things in perspective for me. i know some people hate her or don’t like her because she doesn’t actually teach per se in class, but if you pay attention you can learn alot from her though its not the conventional textbook kind of knowledge. i’ve never had a teacher that treated me as an equal more than her and regarded my views like they were worth something and i really appreciated that. (this is rapidly turning into a i-love-ting speech) haha oh well. but i want the experience and i don’t think i’d have much of a problem living overseas alone since my house isn’t all that crowded to begin with anyway.

i’ve heard uwc interviewers/interviewers in general look out for someone with passion. with a passion. whatever. i’ve been wondering to myself if i ever really had one. i can speak passionately on all sorts of things but i don’t know if it’s considered a passion, or even if it is — are they things the interviewers want to hear about (for example gay rights hohoho) there’re alot of things i believe in and i’d stand up to defend them if they came under attack (as 412 can testify …) but what exactly is my passion? do i even have one, hoho. many people ask if writing’s counted — since i do it all the time, my book is like forever with me — but it’s not something i can’t live without. (okay actually that is rather debatable) i realised it’s terribly hard for a person to sit down and try to define herself because you don’t know where to start and there are too many grey areas.

i think for the most part i treasure most of everyone around me. i’ve mentioned before that people are unbelievably nice to me so i will not expound on that further. there are of course the people closest to me right now that i really really treasure and i thank God that He actually gave me such people to love me. there are the other friends that my life would be much poorer without. i can’t imagine my life without nadia’s o_Os and charlene’s endless craziness and kitfei’s jumping around. yinshan’s evil eyes. gracelim’s maturity. gracechew’s smiles. andi’s stability. baoen’s theories. daphne’s passion. calista’s animecraze. sara’s postcards :) nurul’s hugs. amy’s sweaty hands. ruth’s naivete. bernice’s dreams. charmaine’s rants. yeatian’s weapons. the list goes on. (notice they’re all girls. there are only that many guys i’m close to so you know who you all are.) i’d like to think i’ll never be alone but nowadays you never really know. people drift away and some come back but how many of them do? i’ve lost a few friends so far: some i regret, others i don’t think about. i would like to have people around me that actually mean something to me because there are so many of them that i can honestly say i don’t feel anything for. and i deeply resent the intrusion of privacy. of any kind. my own privacy. between me and a friend. between me and a group of friends. i hate people who try to be someone they’re not. some people find cliques elitist but hell if you don’t click you just don’t bloody click. that is all i have to say on this matter i have wasted enough time agonising over what to say to this person. no i will not tell you who it is.

i recall a conversation with joel not too long ago when we were talking about some people and their search for identity. some are still trying to find themselves, others more or less know already. he asked me then if i’m one of the latter people, and i think i replied yes. i don’t have alot of illusions left to strip, and while i don’t like to think of myself as disillusioned and cynical because i think angst nowadays is just another word for cool (i mean what the hell is there to complain about anyway? that people are pretentious and they hate you nehnehneh well get used to it. dot.) but well i guess there isn’t really any other word to describe it. my whole outlook on life has changed alot since i was 14 or 15 even though its been just a year or two but when you’re a teenager i suppose that kind of time is like half a lifetime or something. these few years i’ve lost alot of illusions and maybe i’ve gained some new ones, i’ll never really know for sure. some people yearn for childhood innocence at this point in time but i don’t really know how much happier i’d be, given that kind of innocence back. i don’t know that i’d like things to be so pure and simple — my interest has always been in the grey areas (haha) and i don’t know that it would solve the problem at all. i wouldn’t know the things i know now and even though most of those things have come through painful experiences i wouldn’t give it up for anything. my relationships with people taught me alot of things: what to do, what not to do, what to say what not to say, how to deal with people how not to deal with people, how far to go how far not to go. i think it’s amazing how two people can argue with each other 2/3 of their time together (which adds up to approximately 8 or 9 months) and you know your best friend for the better part of 7 or 8 years and you haven’t fought with her yet. i gained firsthand knowledge on how much silences can cut somebody’s heart into pieces because i was the one inflicting it. i learnt how much betrayal (that was for the most part self-induced, in retrospect) can hurt because i was on the receiving end of it. i learnt, also, that there’s always room for a second chance. :) alot of things. all of it makes up who i am in some part and i wouldn’t give it back painful as it’s been just to have some innocence back. i wouldn’t trade identity for innocence. but that’s just me.

i know almost everyone goes through this period of intense angstiness when they’re young. for some it comes early and goes early, for some it comes late and stays late. these few years took alot of the angst out of me because i realised after awhile there isn’t much point in it. i mean i seriously doubt the world gives a fuck whether you hate it or not. or that the people who don’t understand you care whether they understand you or not. i don’t see much point in thinking the world owes you a living or that everyone is obliged to be your friend since ultimately you learn that it isn’t the case at all. i dont know if you call it cynical. but it makes sense to me. you can think other people are naive for believing in things like love and trust and friendship but it doesn’t mean you become all high and mighty and go ‘i am a rock’ and put up walls and barricades of defences and isolate yourself from the rest of the world THEN start saying ‘i am so misunderstood because no one cares about me’. because then i think you’re being extremely stupid. (this is getting angsty HAHA the irony) but ya you don’t go around thinking i am god and everyone needs to understand me. that’s not the way it works. i don’t think very highly of people who treat love like it’s a plaything. i don’t think very highly of people who go out on the streets and get a girlfriend/boyfriend just because it’s cool to have one and dump them three weeks after and then get heartbroken every month. neither do i think very highly of couples these days who are all over each other in the mrt or buses because half the time they’re looking at who’s looking at them, like they’re putting up a show or something. i don’t know that’s just the way i look at it. i think i’m alot happier now that i’ve gotten through all this. it is but of course a necessary stage much as everyone who’s gotten out of it despises it in retrospect. ah well.

and can i just say i think orlando bloom looks damn good in potc. throw away the blonde wig and give him to me au naturel. phwoar.

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