so we wait for today and tomorrow it will all be gone

it’s 9.28 as i write this. can’t help but think that by this time tomorrow, my secondary school life will have almost come to an end. it’s amazing how time passes, because when you look back these four years really seem to have flown past — sometimes you really wonder where all the time goes. tomorrow — i predict even the most stoic of people will break down and cry. i don’t know why actually, since we all know it’s not like after tomorrow we’ll all go to like the four corners of the earth and never see each other again. but there’s just this sense of finality that finally, this is the end, this is where it ends. there’s going to be alot of things we’re not going to be able to do like we used to, lots of people we’re not going to be seeing on an everyday basis. the sense that after tomorrow, everyone is going their separate ways, some here, some there. it’s going to be weird, i expect. not having familiar people around you, surrounding you in their laughter and talking about the most inane and useless things. i’m going to miss alot of people. hell, i think i’m even going to miss the annoying ones.

these four years; it’s been fun. a rollercoaster ride, you might say, one that taught me alot of things. i think most people’s life lessons are learnt here. these four years i’ve changed alot, things have made me change, i’ve matured faster than i thought i would.

sec1 was mostly floating around not caring about anything — back in those days where people got good grades without even having to try. maybe that was cos back then i actually did my homework consistently, being generally hardworking and you know, good. basically in sec1 nobody cared about anything and we just did our own shit without worrying about anything. i remember how fun orientation was and how 113 won first prize! for our gayass copied-and-repeated-346457-times dikir barat that i rewrote and rewrote lyrics for at least 4 times since primary school. our wonderful ‘seasons’ tshirt which is still somewhere in my cupboard. then there was basketball and the gay PT that we all did for 6 months and then everyone just totally died after that. PT never got back to what it used to be. i remember joycelin running around training us and playing stupid mindgames with us while passing the ball here and there and how they made us do 346456 si4 jiao3 and we sucked so much we took 2 hours to finish 50. how they got damn pissed cos they actually had time to go to orchard and back and we were still doing. how we felt so bad we finished it then went down to apologise. then there were the funny greek plays at the end of the year. i remember grace tan being the messenger and running around like crazy (she reprised her role later on in sec3) and how we all discovered liling’s wonderful talent for acting then (: how we all sat down for 5 hours at the canteen and wrote the entire script at one shot. and felt so proud of ourselves after that. and of course in sec1 i made alot of new friends. remember being really close with jing li yumun sara and chern. then we’d always do things together and write like 346837406 postcards all over the place. then internet sprung up and we all got introduced to the wonderful world of guys. and being relationship counsellor to like half the world which was really funny now that i think of it. (i think i still have your emails somewhere sara HAHA) oh no sec1 was so weird.

sec2! start of the year was hrm, weird. went through alot of awkwardness and shyness and me generally being a total akljdfkdhgj cos of reasons only some people will understand. remember somewhere before june hols something charlene told me that left me stoned the whole day. then being so happy cos my script got chosen for history drama. the flurry of getting everything perfect by the end of july, the endless rehearsals and the effort we all put into it. amy’s wonderful performance as the jealous soldier from hell, liling’s kimono and of cos everyone remembers the damn uniform. how upset we all felt when everything seemed like it was shot to hell, and how i remember nurul helped me through the hardest times. thank you girl (: i remember how stressed gracelim was about the whole thing, how we all worked our best for it. the happiness we felt seeing ourselves win 2nd, even though we were disappointed we didn’t get 1st. and straight after that it was our bball finals, and how we nearly had a heart attack playing cos of the gayass scores that left either team trailing by one ball. and finally how serene’s 3 pointers saved the day. and we clinched our champion trophy for the 6th time. how we were so glad we didn’t let anybody down. i remember that year i worked the hardest for my exam results. like i actually STUDIED the moment i got home and didn’t stop till 10 at night. and how in the end all that hard work paid off. and i was so happy that my parents were happy too! BLUE BAR. =D oh and i made some of my best friends in sec2. never gonna forget that.

in sec3 i made alot of mistakes. i did alot of things i shouldn’t have done, things that in retrospect i must’ve been a total idiot to even consider doing. the only good thing was i learnt ALOT out of this year. anyway sec3 was weird la im glad its over. (:

sec4 i think is like my best year. even though some parts were quite fucked but i think its by far the best. this year was the photo year. there are like 3463547 photos floating all over the place. and sec4 was the year that 12 finally bonded together and accepted ourselves for what we are — a bunch of playful people that are seriously shit lazy. in sec3 some of us wished that we were in other classes cos our class was seriously too slack and we didnt give a shit about deadlines and handing up work. sec4 was when i actually realised how important it was to actually start studying and stop whining about everything in general. im never gonna forget all the stupid things we did in class while everyone else was busy mugging away we were playing charades in between free periods. our wonderful class video and our wonderful kaihui who uncomplainingly does everything for us and gracelim our insufferable sec3 chairman who took us through a year of turmoil and missed deadlines. kudos to eunice this year for being equally insufferable. bao and charmaine and kelly and litsymp. i have had the most fun this year, seriously. andi and daph and constantly oohing and ahhing over good fic that no one else seems to appreciate. shopping for weird things. talking about weird stuff. sars, especially, affected me alot. i spent those 3 weeks doing nothing but downloading anime to watch and discussing homosexuality and art on the class yahoogroups. that was all i lived for, man. then there was afua, and the total mess we got ourselves into and how we got ourselves out of it. how we actually managed to pull off an event that was -quite- successful considering we’re only 16. the endless quest whenever i went out to study for a quiet place to walk. how i got to know the burger king at midpoint in a very intimate way. how i got to know all my textbooks again. the studying seems boring now but hey it actually looks quite …fun. that is of course if you don’t do it 24/7. now i’m just as liable to sit for 5 hours in burger king except this time i’m going to be analysing and reading on my own schedule. ah yes. poetry. hidden meanings. late night conversations. phone calls. smses. crazy laughter. vindictiveness. there’s alot of things that i feel much better for having let go of. and yes, i learnt how to let go. this year has been generally peaceful. there’s been alot of hard work, but i can’t remember any really bad patch that i went through. mostly, this year has been good. (:

OH and ms ting. and ms tan. never ever EVER gonna forget claudia ting and lina tan. for all that they’ve done for me, for all that they’ve done. ting’s the greatest teacher i ever had in my life. who actually taught me to think for myself. to stand up for what i think is right. for helping me through the difficult times. for helping me when i needed help. for not making social studies national education. for giving me, in sec3, a mint humbug with her email wrapped around it. for treating me like her equal. for her absolute understanding of the term mutual respect that other teachers never do. never gonna forget claudia ting. i owe her alot.

so there, four years of memories. secondary school, they say, never really goes away. four years of sisterhood in rgs isn’t that easy to forget. there’s so many things you’ve gone through and learnt from, so many people you’ve met, so many things to remember.

let’s hope we all remember tomorrow like it was yesterday. and let’s all go out with a bang.

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but they were the inhabitors of this land and under these huge
skies they were worriers and keeners and protectors of wires in whole nations
gathered around tents — now the rail that tuns over their forefathers’ bones
leads them onward pointing into infinity, wraiths of humanity treading
lightly the surface of the ground so deeply suppurated with the stock of
their suffering you only have to dig a foot down to find a baby’s hand.
the subterraneans, jack kerouac

OH OH. watched master and commander today. can i just say sth.
jack/steven my god feel the slash vibes emanate. i kept thinking throughout the whole movie ‘are they gay? are they gay’ omg they are so gay together it is so funny hahaha (: oh and peter is so cute -_- HAHHAHA

if i had my way this is what i would be doing right now

eating alot of chocolate-covered digestive biscuits, drinking lots of milk, with the aircon on, me in a jacket, listening to music.

as it is, my cough has not subsided, only that every now and then i feel like retching, my appetite has shrunk to next to nothing, and i am plagued by hunger pangs all the time only i have no inclination to eat.

let us all applaud my brilliance at falling ill.

on another note i went shopping with my mum today and bought a turtleneck, a new pair of shoes!, and my sweater for next year, which has been colour coordinated to match damn hwa chong’s uniform. so now it is yellow. (: it’s nice it’s nice! trust me. hahaha.

am too lazy to upload pictures of anything. oh and louis it is hell trying to take a picture of yourself in a prom dress cos there’s never enough light around and my damn flash keeps going off so all you get is this wonderful splotch of white. so you have to wait till that night itself (: haha.

hai.

“there are only two things that determine whether you’re old enough to do something: whether you understand just what the hell it is you’re doing, and whether you’re willing to accept responsibility for it if it blows up in your face.”

reflecting alot these days. will post a complete reflection when i finish it, or maybe after i come back from spain.

anyway, i thought about this last night.

it is not the minority groups that are in danger of losing their heritage. it is the majority, who take their heritage for granted. it has never been in danger of extinction, therefore there have been no attempts at preservation. their culture is slowly being extinguished, whereas another’s is being assimilated into them. they have lost their identity, because there is no need for identification in a world where you are the majority and not being discriminated against. and they become crossovers of culture, culture-hoppers; much like job-hoppers. a mishmash of cultures, never truly anything. that is the reason why malays and indians cling fiercely to their mother tongue, yet are fluent in english. that is why they insist on wearing their tudung, why they walk in the streets with their baju kurungs and saris with pride. while we, on the other hand, feel ashamed to pull our cheongsams out — and score abysmally in a mother tongue our own mothers cannot speak. these are the trappings of pride. you always think you’re better than everyone else that you end up losing everything you never knew you had, till it all slips away like sand.

i get this feeling i just made, like, the biggest mistake of my life.

hooray to me, oh god.

anyway. a prison evening, faiz ahmed faiz.

each star a rung,
night comes down the spiral
staircase of the evening.
the breeze passes by so very close
as if someone happened to speak of love.
in the courtyard,
the trees are absorbed refugees
embroidering maps of return on the sky.
on the roof,
the moon — lovingly, generously —
is turning the stars
into a dust of sheen.
from every corner, dark-green shadows,
in ripples, come towards me.
at any moment they may break over me,
like the waves of pain each time i remember
this separation from my lover.

this thought keeps consoling me:
though tyrants may command that lamps be smashed
in rooms where lovers are destined to meet,
they cannot snuff out the moon, so today,
nor tomorrow, no tyranny will succeed,
no poison of torture make me bitter,
if just one evening in prison
can be so strangely sweet,
if just one moment anywhere on this earth.

something in the phrasing is quietly amazing
and i’m waiting for the chorus to come

quietly amazing. i am quietly amazed. the best is yet to be. the worst is not yet over. drifting, still drifting. i’m beginning to find going out everyday a bit meaningless. i’m not pointing fingers at the company, though. it’s just the act of mechanically getting yourself to and fro from here to there. mechanical, mechanical. i am mechanised. i am a machine. i find myself wishing the 3rd of december would come sooner so i can just fly off to spain without thinking about anything and just concentrating on seeing whatever there is to see and soaking myself in culture. be just generally busy and happy with going on a holiday, packing, shopping.

i want to buy a white shirt. must remember to buy it tomorrow.

white is my favourite colour. it used to be blue, but white. white is a neutral colour. white is not a colour. i’m beginning to find being neutral very appealing. pak doesn’t like it, i know, but i find it okay. i’m not particularly averse to it, though i know i’d be better off feeling something else. most of the time it transforms me into a stone. staring off into the distance, not responding to people. making generally uninterested replies. quiet. i turn very quiet when i’m stoned, most people do. i’m not actually stoned when i look stoned, though. the only times i ever get stoned are when i’m absolutely tired and when i’m not in a good mood. both are generally indications that i am to be ignored. whitewhitewhite. i’d buy a white prom dress if i could. only i’d just end up looking like a bridesmaid.

my god. what am i degenerating into. i spent my entire year waiting for o’s to be over and now that it’s over i feel strangely empty. okae risse lets all stop feeling disgustingly empty just cos you have nothing to do. like go find sth to do man omg i would slap myself if i were someone else so why am i doing this now. i need to find a jigsaw puzzle. do you know how much time that takes out of a person! omg i am now being assailed with the feeling of wanting to puke. cept i can’t. it’s like wanting to sneeze but you can’t. the feeling totally sucks. sometimes you just wish it’d come already and stop waffling around so you can just get it over and done with knowing the worst is over. that’s what i hate, the anticipation. the endless waiting. i hate waiting.

lol i realised my last few entries have been like uber whinage over having nothing to do at the end of o’s. hooray to me and my utter ..whinyness. whinewhinewhine. i hate people who whine grrrr.

reading harry potter fics only take up so much of your time. and because the good ones are invariably imbued with much emotion and generally leave you with a sickening sense of melancholy i am left out in the cold for wind and rain to hurt me when i finish reading. so i’m dramatising a bit. but the feeling is there. it’s not my fault i like the sad ones. then again haha it doesn’t take much to make me cry.

i’m too emotional at times. i get affected by the weirdest things very easily. yet other times i can afford to let myself not care at all. i swing from here to there to everywhere and eventually i end up right where i started. because after all this i’m still feeling empty and i should just stop sitting in front of the computer and instead get up and do something.

whinewhinewhine. lol you know sometimes i really don’t trust myself.

let’s just say sth to this ya.

i have no problems with the first half of the article, only:

man, fuck you too, complete with irony.

okae@reform. …

am happy! am content. content is more likely.

i have been analysing utopias and dystopias all over again just for the fun of it. and because i like the subject, and it intrigues me. i like paradoxes. they make me think. there are so many possibilities, i like grey areas. black and white, not for me. i like the idea of being able to turn black into white. white into black. manipulation. silent maneuvring. the art of seduction. sex as a weapon. sex as the weapon. oh i love women sometimes. they’re so complex.

anyway! prom dress settled. everyone who sees me in it will probably agree it’s very me. probably because it’s asymmetrical and i’m known for liking anything that isn’t symmetrical. slanted one way, buttons to the side, funky pockets, weird zips. just not where they normally are. i like stuff like that. simple but, well, me. it’s black. and it’s a one shoulder thing. (my mum calls it the tarzan thing hahaha) then the bottom is short at one side and long at the other! a bit too long. which means i have to wear heels! oh hooray let’s hope i don’t trip and fall. -_- anyway it was $116. which isn’t so bad considering my budget was $200 =p still have $84 to spare! will post pictures later for anyone who cares to see.

$58 is going to makeup and hair by astee’s cousin. which is okay i guess. don’t want too much makeup, and i hope her salon has hair mascara so i can streak it some funny colour! would be nice to go wild for a day.

hooray for prom it makes me excited to be a girl again HAHA oh god that sounded totally weird.

got my digital camera finally! it’s the same one as charlene’s actually but haha it’s nice! hope you don’t mind charlene (: got like 365468758 free shit with it so basically my dad thinks we came out with quite a good deal. lol will have fun playing with it later at somebody’s wedding dinner at grand hyatt. where i have to wear my prom dress cos i don’t have anything else haha. hope i don’t spill anything on it.

whee i’m off to read. happyhappy. tmr i’m going out! =D

i am tired. insomniac. need to read.

everyone’s been drifting these days. i wonder if it’s just my imagination or if it’s really happening. driftdriftdrift. you get my drift? i get your drift. driffffffffffffft

long talks with people in the middle of the night don’t do much for your sleep cycle and your mood. makes you think too much. thinking is something i don’t really want to do right now, yet i think it’s time i started sorting out my life. thinking of doing alot of things next year but i wonder if i have the time. i’m tired, really. it’s not just because of today. i’m getting drained even more doing nothing than i ever was studying for o’s. at least there was a goal. something to finish. somewhere to get to. something to look forward to. now i’m just drifting with no aim in life. all i’m doing now is sitting waiting for someone to shoot me down — it’s either sink or swim. so for 3 months everyone drifts.

flying on a plane to nowhere.

remind me to go and get my jigsaw on thursday, somebody. i must finish something somehow.

i can’t write anymore. there are no ideas, i can’t think, no words come out. everything’s just dried up. so i just tell it like it is. maybe that’s better, in a way. let’s leave the roundabout language for another day. hidden meanings are just that at the moment, hidden. face value is just about right.

some people i really need to see right now.

letting go. i can let go. the question is, can you.

sing for the year

peaceful, somewhat, now. have been moodswinging like crazy these few weeks it’s just utter madness. can’t say it’s pms cos it’s come and gone and it’s still here. like a stone grows on you because the lead singer’s voice is just pained. painful. it sings the pain. i feel the pain. i don’t know which is more painful, him singing or me listening to him. been spinning round my head the few songs that accompany me through late and depressing nights. sleep cycle completely screwed up due to the medicine cycle — i predict i’ll only get sleepy around 2. don’t know, maybe i just need a hug. something to hold on to. someone to cling on to. cos maybe i’m not as strong as you think i am, i’m not as tough as i’d like to be. i’m just a little girl sometimes, where someone bigger than me holds me and rocks me to sleep. my mum used to do that. that’s what i miss, if anything. the affection that came and went back and forth from me to my parents. both lament the loss of their pretty child, the vivacious one that liked to go onstage and sing and perform for everyone. who liked to talk to people, who constantly bugged mummy, who liked to learn japanese from daddy. who jumped on the bed and demanded a hug. nowadays i don’t do that anymore, maybe cos i’m too tired, maybe just cos i grew out of it. maybe some things you just don’t do when you grow older. i don’t miss the innocence, not particularly. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t but i don’t miss it much. the innocence, well, it comes and goes. so i’m more corrupted than most. i accept that. i’m still an okay person, i suppose. okay being the operative. okay seems to characterise my entire life for the past two or three months. everything is just ..okay. not good, not bad, just okay because i can’t be bothered to think about the implications of good and bad. so let’s just stick to a nice neutral word like okay.

wouldn’t you want to be who you had been
well baby i want that too

so aimee mann is singing her songs with that melancholic voice that always makes me cry, and then aerosmith’s dream on swirls on and on around in my head, because it is just that good, even if it’s an old song. reminds me of the glam rock days, which leaves me disturbed and thinking of brian slade and how the ’80s was just glitter and glitz and you peel it all back to find ..nothing. the glitter. glitter makes me nervous. it makes me wonder how much of you is glitter and how much of you is not. i don’t want to think about it. right now face value is good. i’ve had enough analysing for the year. so bic runga tells me to get some sleep while def leppard tells me, i’ve got a long long way to go — before i can say goodbye to you. do i want to say goodbye to you? do i have a choice? this year is a goodbye year. goodbye to everything i thought i knew, into the new world where i’ll actually have to see guys on an everyday basis and i can’t sit like i used to anymore. and i have to get used to wearing shorts underneath my skirt everyday again. goodbye to science notes sitting outside my study waiting to be given to the karang guni. goodbye to my friends, the ones that’ve walked with me for the better part of 4, 5, 6 years. it’d be tough. but i’ll manage.

and i sat in regret of all the things i’ve done
for all that i’ve blessed and all that i’ve wronged

and my dad’s home, finally. it’s only when he comes back that i’ve realised how much i miss him. maybe cos i don’t think of him everyday — the further you are, the less i’ll think of you. which is probably why long-distance relationships will never work with me. if words are awkward, i’ll just keep silent. i’m not the type to make strained conversation because i never know what to say, and i always say the wrong things. i’d rather stand on the bridge and face the wind, look at the nightlights and enjoy the quiet. maybe in my own way, feel safe again, with someone with me holding me. i’d like that. for a moment, it’d be nice just to soak yourself in a pool of nothing.

stranded in june
whistling the same old tune
but i do believe i might be having fun

only child. i’ve had that leveled at me all my life. that i’m spoilt and i’m pampered, that i don’t know the value of sharing, that i’ve never had to share anything in my entire life. maybe i’m pampered, and i’m sheltered, i don’t think i’m spoilt. yet. maybe, who knows. i don’t know the value of sharing, maybe i never will. half my life i wished for a littler kid to come along and be my sibling. someone i could take care of. be a big sister. it’s funny cos i don’t exactly like taking care of people, unless i love them. there’s not alot of people i love these days. i don’t even know if i love my parents. i’ve never had to test my love for them. maybe they’re right, i am spoilt. but i like children. children smile at anything. it takes so little to make them smile. i like smiles. i like people who smile. it makes them look happy, even if they aren’t. i like making people smile, because i smile too. some say i smile too much and i laugh at nothing, therefore i laugh at anything. too many have asked me to type something other than ‘haha’ into a conversation window. only child, only child. at least nobody disturbs me when i’m in a bad mood.

i never wanted to be this free
all this pain, does it go away

my nails are sparkly and light pink. i found the nail polish in my mum’s room. i don’t know what that says about me or my mum, haha. but it’s okay. i think they look nice. cos you can’t really tell it’s pink unless it’s in the light. things like that are good. i’m not a flashy person. don’t really like to make a statement. understated is good. i like understated things.

and i’m counting the steps to the door of your heart

i need to get out and walk in emerald hill sometime this week, because i won’t have time after this week. by the time i get back i’ll be busy writing christmas cards to everyone, because i feel guilty if i don’t. and i like receiving stuff in the post. so i guess everyone else does too. so why not be nice (: need to feel the breeze and the dim lights the night sky and everything just everything. i miss it. alot. i predict it’s going to be like my favourite place to walk in in years to come, provided it still exists.

and they come, they come
to build a wall between us

ah, memories. it’s a fault of mine i think. i feel this urge to remember everything i’ve done. remember everyone. remember anything and everything because it sucks to be forgotten. so i just cram everything into my head. maybe that’s why i can’t remember anything that i’m supposed to like, study. too much of my brain is taken up with other things.

side by side, into the night.
room by room, patiently

i need a hug. i miss my dad and his arms around me. it’s only when i’m hugging my dad that i feel safe somehow, even after getting hugged by so many people. people should hug like my dad. i feel safe. and warm. and happy. like someone loves me. thank god he’s coming back tonight. haven’t been hugged by anyone in so long

i’m beginning to like my haircut! hahaha even though it’s alot shorter and there’s only a little stubby ponytail left when i tie it. (and yes i got a haircut 2 days ago) went to school and candice and sara were like ‘omg you actually look like a girl today’ and i was just -_-

anyway went prom dress looking for awhile (evidently we’re like really lazy cos prom is like, what, next monday) but we’re officially going tomorrow to look. gonna get sth black and short so it’s not so formal that i can’t wear it out on other days. like a formal gown is a waste of money since how many times am i gonna wear it anyway. am gonna streak my hair blue with hair mascara for monday! just for a day. i’m ok with streaking cos it’s temporary, it’ll wash off anyway. it’s fun (:

am still thinking how to match starry starry night. don’t really wanna be a wet blanket and go there not matching the theme. it’s just damn what i guess. painting my nails with stars sounds ok i suppose cept i suck at painting nails so lol unless someone else does it for me that’s out of the question. ah well id find a way (:

omg it’s prom haha i’m actually getting kindof excited. let’s all turn bimbo for a day (: i feel happy!

this is filched from eileen, whom i have not seen in ages.

the earliest memory you have:
i’d be cheating if i said i remembered anything before i was 4, because most of my baby tapes are from before then. so basically i have memories that i don’t remember, and only know they existed because there are tapes around to remind me of them. but my first memory is one that’s before i’m 4 and not in the tapes. it’s one of nursery where my caretaker was a really young girl (i don’t know how young) and she drew a picture of me and this little boy holding hands. and i remember that cos the little boy had a holey white singlet (remember those?! they don’t make those anymore!!) and there were little holes in the drawing too. haha (:

the first time you went to school:
i must’ve been all of one and a half? nearly two. i went to school really early because i’m an only kid and my mum didn’t have time to take care of me. okae it was actually daycare la but they teach you stuff anyway. i remember sleeping alot and hugging my baby bolster (which still lives in my bed now btw) but my first memory of REAL school (like primary school) was talking alot. and everyone was in dresses since all little girls are anyway. i remember thinking one of them looked like a boy cos she had really short hair. her name was daphne but i can’t remember her surname lol (:

the first time you learnt something new (special):
when i learnt how to read (: it’s been a love affair since then.

the first time you fell in love:
oh hm. i don’t know. haha.

the first time you went on a date:
the first time i went out on a ‘date’ it didn’t work out cos he came with alot of other people. that’s about all i remember.

the first time you were scolded:
when i was in my mum’s room and scooped out all the face creams in the jars and smeared it on the floor. man i got hell for that. it was fun, though (: i must’ve been like two or something.

the first time you felt as if you had made a mistake:
woah thats like. a really long time. i think i was like 5 when we were supposed to go to the zoo, but before that we were at robinsons at centrepoint looking at something. i got bored and they wouldn’t listen to anything i said so i ran away and hid among the pillows (don’t laugh) then i started crying because they wouldn’t look for me. being the stubborn ass that i still am i just sat there and waited and refused to come out till they pulled me out (and i mean pulled) then i got scolded like. alot. lol

the first time you kept a secret from your parents:
reading under the bedcovers. with a torchlight. next to my grandma. ah, the thrills of forbidden fruit. =p

your first part-time job:
was supposed to be last year. but i was an ass and it didn’t work out! and therefore wenkai and sara were abit nyehhh i think. -_- oops.

how did you spend your first earnings?:
refer to above.

the first time you bought clothes/accessories for yourself:
this must’ve been a really long time ago. p6? sec1? lol something like that. i think it was more like sec1 when access to orchard was more, uh, legal.

the first time you put on makeup:
when i was four! hahahaha it was for some funny performance where i had to wear a blue singlet and tie this weird braided thing around my head and then i had to sing some weird chinese song that was like zi4 ji3 die1 dao3 zi4 ji3 pa2 or something. it was really funny (:

the first time you changed the color of your hair:
never, haha. i wore a couple of wigs at times, though. blonde and red and brown, i think. i performed quite alot when i was younger cos safra had this weird performance course that was in chinese that developed your performing skills and taught you chinese chengyus and stuff. i learnt alot from there. and i got over stage fright there too. it was really fun, i remember. i played lin qingxia in bai fa mo nu once and i wore this huge white wig with this funny costume and everyone who saw me died laughing. ahh, but it was fun. i love performing there’s just this thrill haha.

what kind of place did you first live in by yourself:
marine house? NURUL!!! AND SYNYI!!!! and sharifah! hahaha (: those were the days. without parents and just living day to day making friends with new people. i remember having to queue up for meals and i loved japanese food. the place was huge and it was big and airy. there was aircon and the beds were nice. the baths were cool. you could see the sea from there and the breeze was wonderful. there was this place where there was a domed roof just before the dining hall where you could shout anything and it’d echo back. REMEMBER NURUL?! hahahah omg it was so fun. and of course i got to miss 3 weeks of school (:

the first time you cooked:
fried rice i think. contrary to popular belief it was not maggi mee. …

the first time you felt kindness:
i don’t remember, really. i think there have been a whole lot of people in my life who’ve been kind to me without me knowing.

the first time you felt like committing suicide:
i’ve never felt like it. i’ve thought about it, but i’ve never felt like it. maybe it’s cos i never had the guts to kill myself. because all the options seemed too painful and i don’t think i’m strong enough to slice a blade through my wrist knowing that i’m hurting myself. i’m scared of pain before it’s inflicted. after that, i can bear it quite well.

the first time you experienced bereavement:
my grandma, the one who isn’t related to me. the one who’s buried next to my grandfather and is his first wife. i don’t remember her much because she lived in johor but i remember crying although i didn’t know who she was at all till she died, but i was sad that someone was dead (don’t you ever feel like that ..)

the first time you fought with someone:
amazingly i don’t remember. i don’t think i’ve ever fought with anyone physically. there was alot of verbal sparring with alot of people though. i remember vaguely doing that alot with chester when we were in primary school. haha.

the first time you drank alcohol:
i was quite old by then, i think. sec2 or 3. red wine. or was it white wine? or both?! haha. amazingly my tolerance is quite high (i think it’s inherited from my dad) seeing as i haven’t gotten drunk yet. my dad’s philosophy is to get me drunk at home so i won’t get drunk outside. which makes sense. you don’t want to go out and have someone offer you something really strong and get all drunk and taken advantage of. ah well (:

the first time you tried smoking:
i don’t intend to ever try. i have enough problems breathing as it is without cigarette smoke complicating matters.

the first time you felt glad you were born:
6th birthday party. cake was huge. had pocky sticks for picket fences. fwoah man it was seriously huge. and there were so many people. hahahahaha (:

the first time you felt like you had aged:
the first time, haha. i don’t remember. it’s funny how you can’t remember first times for anything. i think it was probably when i was 12. somewhere in june. i think it was the last day of the holidays. i aged alot in that day alone. grew up alot faster than i would’ve under normal circumstances.

this is filched from eileen, whom i have not seen in ages.

the earliest memory you have:
i’d be cheating if i said i remembered anything before i was 4, because most of my baby tapes are from before then. so basically i have memories that i don’t remember, and only know they existed because there are tapes around to remind me of them. but my first memory is one that’s before i’m 4 and not in the tapes. it’s one of nursery where my caretaker was a really young girl (i don’t know how young) and she drew a picture of me and this little boy holding hands. and i remember that cos the little boy had a holey white singlet (remember those?! they don’t make those anymore!!) and there were little holes in the drawing too. haha (:

the first time you went to school:
i must’ve been all of one and a half? nearly two. i went to school really early because i’m an only kid and my mum didn’t have time to take care of me. okae it was actually daycare la but they teach you stuff anyway. i remember sleeping alot and hugging my baby bolster (which still lives in my bed now btw) but my first memory of REAL school (like primary school) was talking alot. and everyone was in dresses since all little girls are anyway. i remember thinking one of them looked like a boy cos she had really short hair. her name was daphne but i can’t remember her surname lol (:

the first time you learnt something new (special):
when i learnt how to read (: it’s been a love affair since then.

the first time you fell in love:
oh hm. i don’t know. haha.

the first time you went on a date:
the first time i went out on a ‘date’ it didn’t work out cos he came with alot of other people. that’s about all i remember.

the first time you were scolded:
when i was in my mum’s room and scooped out all the face creams in the jars and smeared it on the floor. man i got hell for that. it was fun, though (: i must’ve been like two or something.

the first time you felt as if you had made a mistake:
woah thats like. a really long time. i think i was like 5 when we were supposed to go to the zoo, but before that we were at robinsons at centrepoint looking at something. i got bored and they wouldn’t listen to anything i said so i ran away and hid among the pillows (don’t laugh) then i started crying because they wouldn’t look for me. being the stubborn ass that i still am i just sat there and waited and refused to come out till they pulled me out (and i mean pulled) then i got scolded like. alot. lol

the first time you kept a secret from your parents:
reading under the bedcovers. with a torchlight. next to my grandma. ah, the thrills of forbidden fruit. =p

your first part-time job:
was supposed to be last year. but i was an ass and it didn’t work out! and therefore wenkai and sara were abit nyehhh i think. -_- oops.

how did you spend your first earnings?:
refer to above.

the first time you bought clothes/accessories for yourself:
this must’ve been a really long time ago. p6? sec1? lol something like that. i think it was more like sec1 when access to orchard was more, uh, legal.

the first time you put on makeup:
when i was four! hahahaha it was for some funny performance where i had to wear a blue singlet and tie this weird braided thing around my head and then i had to sing some weird chinese song that was like zi4 ji3 die1 dao3 zi4 ji3 pa2 or something. it was really funny (:

the first time you changed the color of your hair:
never, haha. i wore a couple of wigs at times, though. blonde and red and brown, i think. i performed quite alot when i was younger cos safra had this weird performance course that was in chinese that developed your performing skills and taught you chinese chengyus and stuff. i learnt alot from there. and i got over stage fright there too. it was really fun, i remember. i played lin qingxia in bai fa mo nu once and i wore this huge white wig with this funny costume and everyone who saw me died laughing. ahh, but it was fun. i love performing there’s just this thrill haha.

what kind of place did you first live in by yourself:
marine house? NURUL!!! AND SYNYI!!!! and sharifah! hahaha (: those were the days. without parents and just living day to day making friends with new people. i remember having to queue up for meals and i loved japanese food. the place was huge and it was big and airy. there was aircon and the beds were nice. the baths were cool. you could see the sea from there and the breeze was wonderful. there was this place where there was a domed roof just before the dining hall where you could shout anything and it’d echo back. REMEMBER NURUL?! hahahah omg it was so fun. and of course i got to miss 3 weeks of school (:

the first time you cooked:
fried rice i think. contrary to popular belief it was not maggi mee. …

the first time you felt kindness:
i don’t remember, really. i think there have been a whole lot of people in my life who’ve been kind to me without me knowing.

the first time you felt like committing suicide:
i’ve never felt like it. i’ve thought about it, but i’ve never felt like it. maybe it’s cos i never had the guts to kill myself. because all the options seemed too painful and i don’t think i’m strong enough to slice a blade through my wrist knowing that i’m hurting myself. i’m scared of pain before it’s inflicted. after that, i can bear it quite well.

the first time you experienced bereavement:
my grandma, the one who isn’t related to me. the one who’s buried next to my grandfather and is his first wife. i don’t remember her much because she lived in johor but i remember crying although i didn’t know who she was at all till she died, but i was sad that someone was dead (don’t you ever feel like that ..)

the first time you fought with someone:
amazingly i don’t remember. i don’t think i’ve ever fought with anyone physically. there was alot of verbal sparring with alot of people though. i remember vaguely doing that alot with chester when we were in primary school. haha.

the first time you drank alcohol:
i was quite old by then, i think. sec2 or 3. red wine. or was it white wine? or both?! haha. amazingly my tolerance is quite high (i think it’s inherited from my dad) seeing as i haven’t gotten drunk yet. my dad’s philosophy is to get me drunk at home so i won’t get drunk outside. which makes sense. you don’t want to go out and have someone offer you something really strong and get all drunk and taken advantage of. ah well (:

the first time you tried smoking:
i don’t intend to ever try. i have enough problems breathing as it is without cigarette smoke complicating matters.

the first time you felt glad you were born:
6th birthday party. cake was huge. had pocky sticks for picket fences. fwoah man it was seriously huge. and there were so many people. hahahahaha (:

the first time you felt like you had aged:
the first time, haha. i don’t remember. it’s funny how you can’t remember first times for anything. i think it was probably when i was 12. somewhere in june. i think it was the last day of the holidays. i aged alot in that day alone. grew up alot faster than i would’ve under normal circumstances.

i did not manage to get myself totally drunk, as i would have liked to.
spent the night wheezing away in a foreign bed not being able to breathe. woke up at 7am

i am glad somewhat that this 38.5 degree fever has decided to postpone itself till after the o’s, although it means now that i have to cancel 34967085 prior engagements due to it. and i was really looking forward to them.

so. my stomach hurts when i sneeze, my joints feel swollen. i feel like an advanced case of muscle ache but i haven’t been doing anything physical, which means it is probably due to the fact that i am sick. lord, i hate being sick.

i am burning up. i think i should go back to sleep.

so it’s over. i don’t feel much. i’m just glad that tonight there will be no studying.

and let’s all stand people up because we’re in shitty moods and get pissed at everyone else around. no my mood hasn’t changed. no it’s not a valid excuse. no i don’t really care. cos it’s come to a stage where i seriously don’t want to care about anything. if i lose someone because of it, so be it. it won’t be the first time, and i suspect it won’t be the last. let’s all die laughing at risse’s blase attitude towards everything in life now. i think it’s time to wake up when you’ve started to convince yourself that nothing you do from now onwards is going to matter. i thought i’d be happier tonight but i’m not. evidently some things don’t change. all i’m going to do now is waste my life away. i predict i’d be standing alot more people up throughout the whole holidays (just ask wenkai and neek how many times i stood them up) and ya i’m irresponsible but hey they don’t mind. maybe you feel cheated. maybe i don’t care.

maybe i’m being really irresponsible saying this but it’s not like you can’t study by yourself right. why get so worked up

maybe i don’t want to know how i make people feel anymore. let’s all retreat into my own little corner and die of loneliness. i don’t feel like doing alot of things. maybe mums bitching make you sad. maybe you should stop to listen to them once in awhile before your papers in the car. let’s all get bitched at cos of 34645748 things you didn’t do that aren’t your fault.

let’s all think i’m damn rich when all that i have now is because my mum manages finances well. don’t ever tell me i don’t know what it is to work hard, to suffer. because while i admit i don’t i don’t think you have either. don’t talk to me about me having money and me saying that i’m not rich when i possibly am when you blow 70-80 bucks on a pair of boardshorts when you could buy something cheaper and then say how hard your mother has to work. don’t ever tell me just because my parents have money on hand that they don’t know what hard work and suffering means. it doesn’t mean that just cos they have money they don’t work as hard or suffer as much as your mother. my parents bled as much as your mum getting to where they are. don’t think just because i live in a house and i have a car that i’m rich. there are plenty of people who live in hdb flats and still spend money on 6 billion things every month. you don’t know the cashflow problems my mother faces every month, you’re not the one listening to your mother bitch about how much money we don’t have. all that we have now was paid for in the good times and thank god for savings thanks to my mum. i can’t help it that my mum earns more than your mum. and i’m not denying i’m a lucky bastard. maybe relative to you i’m much better off than you, but there are many people better than me. yes i know i’m lucky. but don’t compare with people better than you. you’re already luckier than most. i’m sure your mother has told you that, because mine has. count yourself lucky you go to a good school, your mother still gives you money to spend. do you know i think your expenditure is way higher than mine though you claim i’m richer than you. should you even be spending like that if you think you don’t have enough money? don’t talk to me about being poor when you can’t even control your own spending. maybe if you spent less your mother wouldn’t have to work so hard.

by the way. it doesn’t mean that just because my parents have money that they’ll definitely send me overseas if i screw up. i’m sorry but i don’t think all parents work like that. i’d much rather stay in singapore and live with my own fuck-up than take everything they have just to go overseas for a degree. i don’t think i’m worth their money going overseas if i screw up by myself. just because i’m moving to bukit timah doesn’t mean i’m rich. just because it’s an opulent area doesn’t mean i’m rich. you say bukit timah is an opulent area. you live there, don’t you. are you rich? you say you aren’t. so what’s your point? you think people in middle-class don’t have their own set of frustrations?

and i hate to say this. but examine yourself before you talk. you fucked up, it’s got nothing to do with me. you know as well as i do that if you’re poor that education is the only way to get you out of the cycle. so you fucked up your chance at a scholarship, you fucked up and dropped econs. don’t come and fucking blame me because you fucked up and your parents can’t afford to send you overseas.

so yes, fuck you too.

so it’s over. i don’t feel much. i’m just glad that tonight there will be no studying.

and let’s all stand people up because we’re in shitty moods and get pissed at everyone else around. no my mood hasn’t changed. no it’s not a valid excuse. no i don’t really care. cos it’s come to a stage where i seriously don’t want to care about anything. if i lose someone because of it, so be it. it won’t be the first time, and i suspect it won’t be the last. let’s all die laughing at risse’s blase attitude towards everything in life now. i think it’s time to wake up when you’ve started to convince yourself that nothing you do from now onwards is going to matter. i thought i’d be happier tonight but i’m not. evidently some things don’t change. all i’m going to do now is waste my life away. i predict i’d be standing alot more people up throughout the whole holidays (just ask wenkai and neek how many times i stood them up) and ya i’m irresponsible but hey they don’t mind. maybe you feel cheated. maybe i don’t care.

maybe i’m being really irresponsible saying this but it’s not like you can’t study by yourself right. why get so worked up

maybe i don’t want to know how i make people feel anymore. let’s all retreat into my own little corner and die of loneliness. i don’t feel like doing alot of things. maybe mums bitching make you sad. maybe you should stop to listen to them once in awhile before your papers in the car. let’s all get bitched at cos of 34645748 things you didn’t do that aren’t your fault.

let’s all think i’m damn rich when all that i have now is because my mum manages finances well. don’t ever tell me i don’t know what it is to work hard, to suffer. because while i admit i don’t i don’t think you have either. don’t talk to me about me having money and me saying that i’m not rich when i possibly am when you blow 70-80 bucks on a pair of boardshorts when you could buy something cheaper and then say how hard your mother has to work. don’t ever tell me just because my parents have money on hand that they don’t know what hard work and suffering means. it doesn’t mean that just cos they have money they don’t work as hard or suffer as much as your mother. my parents bled as much as your mum getting to where they are. don’t think just because i live in a house and i have a car that i’m rich. there are plenty of people who live in hdb flats and still spend money on 6 billion things every month. you don’t know the cashflow problems my mother faces every month, you’re not the one listening to your mother bitch about how much money we don’t have. all that we have now was paid for in the good times and thank god for savings thanks to my mum. i can’t help it that my mum earns more than your mum. and i’m not denying i’m a lucky bastard. maybe relative to you i’m much better off than you, but there are many people better than me. yes i know i’m lucky. but don’t compare with people better than you. you’re already luckier than most. i’m sure your mother has told you that, because mine has. count yourself lucky you go to a good school, your mother still gives you money to spend. do you know i think your expenditure is way higher than mine though you claim i’m richer than you. should you even be spending like that if you think you don’t have enough money? don’t talk to me about being poor when you can’t even control your own spending. maybe if you spent less your mother wouldn’t have to work so hard.

by the way. it doesn’t mean that just because my parents have money that they’ll definitely send me overseas if i screw up. i’m sorry but i don’t think all parents work like that. i’d much rather stay in singapore and live with my own fuck-up than take everything they have just to go overseas for a degree. i don’t think i’m worth their money going overseas if i screw up by myself. just because i’m moving to bukit timah doesn’t mean i’m rich. just because it’s an opulent area doesn’t mean i’m rich. you say bukit timah is an opulent area. you live there, don’t you. are you rich? you say you aren’t. so what’s your point? you think people in middle-class don’t have their own set of frustrations?

and i hate to say this. but examine yourself before you talk. you fucked up, it’s got nothing to do with me. you know as well as i do that if you’re poor that education is the only way to get you out of the cycle. so you fucked up your chance at a scholarship, you fucked up and dropped econs. don’t come and fucking blame me because you fucked up and your parents can’t afford to send you overseas.

so yes, fuck you too.

five years, and i never knew this was about the cold war

there is freedom within
there is freedom without
trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup
there’s a battle ahead
many battles are lost
but you’ll never see the end of the road
while you’re travelling with me

hey now hey now
don’t dream it’s over
hey now hey now
when the world comes in
they come, they come to build a wall between us
you know that they won’t win

now i’m towing my car
there’s a hole in the roof
my possessions are causing suspicion
but there’s no proof
in the paper today
tales of war and of waste
but you turn right over to the tv page

hey now hey now
don’t dream it’s over
hey now hey now
when the world comes in
they come, they come to build a wall between us
you know that they won’t win

now i’m walking again
to the beat of the drum
and i’m counting the steps to the door of your heart
only shadows ahead
they’re declaring the truce
get to know the feeling of liberation and release

hey now hey now
don’t dream it’s over
hey now hey now
the world comes in
they come, they come to build a wall between us
you know that they won’t win

don’t let them win

crowded house – don’t dream it’s over

hahahaha this is my program for the holidays

20th nov — crash cap
21st nov — pool and neek’s house
24th nov — pae briefing
26th nov — bbq
28th nov — body worlds exhibition
1st dec — alma mater!
2nd dec — stay at hotel
3rd – 15th dec — spain/portugal
17th – 19th dec — camping!
21st dec — east coast park!
23rd – 29th dec — jakarta
31st dec — sentosa

HAHAHHAHAHAHA MY GOD I ROCK -beams-

have had a horrible monday, and a very stoned weekend.

so please imagine my mood for today as i doubt it will get any better, considering tomorrow i have to face the gargantuan task of clearing ten years’ of work from my cupboards and shelves (and floors and tables, and possibly chairs) — and my mum has just kindly messed the entire thing up by taking every single paper OUT of the file and stacking it up. you know there are some things i want to keep. for example my entire ss shit for reference. from primary and secondary school. which takes up about 4 big files btw. now i am faced with the task of filing all that back into the files when it could’ve been left alone. naturally, i am not in a good mood. i am never in a good mood when someone interferes with my things. never, ever touch my things. i will kill you.

i would advise you not to talk to me until thursday.

and it is testament to my perma-pms that a simple ‘are you okay’ can turn me not okay. i hate it when people think i’m not okay when i’m actually okay it gets me even more pissed than i would over anything else. i hate it even more when the questioning is continued throughout the night. so pak: aohsfkdjfhgkljdfhgfg, that is my answer to you. and please don’t be a _______ (fill in the word yourself) and be a smart aleck and ask me what ‘ahskjdhfkdjgfdg’ means because all i’m gonna say is fuck you. take a hint, please.

one word: grrrrr.

i, too, know the amplitude of time: you face the emptiness of your house, fifty years of memories.

i never knew him, but i know enough to wish i was there. he would have loved me, she says, he loved smart little children, pretty ones too — i was both, when i was young. she says, he wanted to see my mother get married, but that only happened a year after. still, on his grave, as an act of faith: son-in-law: kenneth fong. so i listen to all of you talk about days past; your childhood, his life.

it’s good that you still have each other, and the videotape of his death somewhere. i don’t dare to watch it because it might make me cry, for a grandfather i never even met. i suppose you can carry on, twenty years after his death, after sharing fifty years of memories with him, because you’re strong and there are people who still love you. my mum, she doesn’t believe in filial piety after death, so she did everything she could have done while he was alive, now she doesn’t bother to go back to johor to see his grave. whatever for? i have four uncles; i see only one of them regularly. the other three are somewhere in malaysia making big money, but no one was here while my grandma and mother worked through the days to support his medical bills — just because my grandma shi xiao de. so now the grave is clean, every year there are candles burning, the grass is cut and the prayers are offered, my other grandma’s buried next to him; because guilt drowns out everything else like nothing else — and mine, the ‘younger sister’, somewhere in the immaculate heart of mary columbarium, it’s a nice spot, i chose it.

i don’t know if i’d cry, i think i would. those fingers have raised too many children, and too many have forgotten her. she’s lived a long life, and i’m really very lucky she’s still able to move and walk and talk and calculate sums faster than me, because i’m helpless without her. maybe i’d remember her through wreaths of flowers in the near future, scores of people crying. others offer their condolences, then retreat to the tables to eat peanuts, play mahjong. while all the time her picture stands black and white at the front, her coffin there. perhaps we’d still be here at where i still live, then mount vernon’d be near. then i wouldn’t have to walk so far barefoot. maybe i’d see her go up in flames, reduced to a pile of ash, memories of my grandma, those hands that brought me up.

death is a passage, they always say. it seems to me strange that men should fear, julius caesar says, seeing that death, a necessary end, will come when it will come. and the passage will be long and arduous, perhaps i’ll never see her cross the crimson river, and it will be a long time before she will smile at me again.

have had a horrible monday, and a very stoned weekend.

so please imagine my mood for today as i doubt it will get any better, considering tomorrow i have to face the gargantuan task of clearing ten years’ of work from my cupboards and shelves (and floors and tables, and possibly chairs) — and my mum has just kindly messed the entire thing up by taking every single paper OUT of the file and stacking it up. you know there are some things i want to keep. for example my entire ss shit for reference. from primary and secondary school. which takes up about 4 big files btw. now i am faced with the task of filing all that back into the files when it could’ve been left alone. naturally, i am not in a good mood. i am never in a good mood when someone interferes with my things. never, ever touch my things. i will kill you.

i would advise you not to talk to me until thursday.

and it is testament to my perma-pms that a simple ‘are you okay’ can turn me not okay. i hate it when people think i’m not okay when i’m actually okay it gets me even more pissed than i would over anything else. i hate it even more when the questioning is continued throughout the night. so pak: aohsfkdjfhgkljdfhgfg, that is my answer to you. and please don’t be a _______ (fill in the word yourself) and be a smart aleck and ask me what ‘ahskjdhfkdjgfdg’ means because all i’m gonna say is fuck you. take a hint, please.

one word: grrrrr.

cap opening was amusing, and not just because brendan ‘fless blood’ foo kept getting things thrown at him by random mgs girls and suanned by all of us and jeremy au got orange squash poured down his back. anyway, eye on the world cover sucks (it is red and yellow — i swear it’s that chs brendan foo’s fault), just like it always does, the food is the same sucky standard (though all the councillors claim it has improved — slightly), and as usual you can never tell how the drink is going to taste like from the labels on the dispensers — for example, ‘blackcurrant’ will taste like water, ‘orange squash’ will taste like water, and ‘sour plum juice’ tastes like nothing you’ve ever tasted. which is to say, shit. ah, the horrific memories of the living conditions in cap ’02 — i almost pity the poor sods for not having to stay over. no late night killing of centipedes and freezing to death with a fan on, no dodging from the khalwat patrol in the middle of the night while having secret rendezvous (i daresay no one’s ever going to forget how bren and toni got caught in the same room) — what is the plural for rendezvous?!

and adri has had her weepy sapphic poetry published! all hail our resident sapphic goddess. haha. =p
evidently no one from jc deigned to turn up today. and i nearly died laughing looking at joyce soh saying pak shu hwa is sadly unable to make it cos of a history paper in the afternoon

haha.

anyway, blur luke tay has yet to tell me the ‘undisclosed location’ for cap reading so i will have to fumble my way around later on looking for the place. ah, luke tay. he never changes.

i miss cap, really. eusoff hall gives people the weirdest memories.