this is suicide.

you scare me immensely,
and you are too near.
and i can’t get your eyes out of my head.

+

we were young and restless and needing to unwind
i guess nothing could last forever
it was the summer of ’69! (:

those were the best days of my life. never gonna forget, ever.

+

mark how dearly caesar loved him,
and this was the unkindest cut of all

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why
do i even care?!

i walked into the train today at 11pm and was confronted with the meaning of life.

‘he say, you think yourself. you want me now with someone else in my heart or my everything after some time?

then i message back lorh, i say, you need time issit? huh? how much fucking time you need? if ten years then you just go and die ok. who gonna wait for me? you? who gonna replenish all the time i have lost?

just now already i really want to sai ba (slap him) already la. i want to tell him, if he dowan to break up with his stead then he come and jio me for what? he really cheat my feelings ler, how?!’

i sat next to her ranting for 12 minutes, yet it seemed like forever. trying desperately to concentrate on my book, and yet i couldn’t help overhearing her conversation. you know how it is when you look at words like they’re pictures, and nothing goes in? there was more, but i’m too tired to write it out. someday i will write about it in full, because i don’t think i’d forget this in a hurry. who’s gonna replenish the time i lost, indeed.

the more i see this happening around me the more scared of relationships i get. things like falling in love. i’m getting unnaturally scared of it, even though so many around me are already cynical. i don’t know why i’m not yet, and it’s only now i’m beginning to wonder if i should be scared of something like this. it scares me, really, that i am scared. scared about some parts and not about others.

i asked him, how can you stay with someone who doesn’t love you, who tells you straight to your face that she doesn’t? and i think only the silly boy would do something like that, crazy in love person that he was, and still is. and he replied, i don’t know myself– whether i love her or not, i just know there’s no one else.

well, who am i to argue with that.

–but hey we’re all culprits sometimes

i walked into the train today at 11pm and was confronted with the meaning of life.

‘he say, you think yourself. you want me now with someone else in my heart or my everything after some time?

then i message back lorh, i say, you need time issit? huh? how much fucking time you need? if ten years then you just go and die ok. who gonna wait for me? you? who gonna replenish all the time i have lost?

just now already i really want to sai ba (slap him) already la. i want to tell him, if he dowan to break up with his stead then he come and jio me for what? he really cheat my feelings ler, how?!’

i sat next to her ranting for 12 minutes, yet it seemed like forever. trying desperately to concentrate on my book, and yet i couldn’t help overhearing her conversation. you know how it is when you look at words like they’re pictures, and nothing goes in? there was more, but i’m too tired to write it out. someday i will write about it in full, because i don’t think i’d forget this in a hurry. who’s gonna replenish the time i lost, indeed.

the more i see this happening around me the more scared of relationships i get. things like falling in love. i’m getting unnaturally scared of it, even though so many around me are already cynical. i don’t know why i’m not yet, and it’s only now i’m beginning to wonder if i should be scared of something like this. it scares me, really, that i am scared. scared about some parts and not about others.

i asked him, how can you stay with someone who doesn’t love you, who tells you straight to your face that she doesn’t? and i think only the silly boy would do something like that, crazy in love person that he was, and still is. and he replied, i don’t know myself– whether i love her or not, i just know there’s no one else.

well, who am i to argue with that.

–but hey we’re all culprits sometimes

the problem with talking about ‘you’ all the time is that after awhile everybody starts assuming you’re talking about them. well haha to you, i say, because most of the time it isn’t, and they know it, but no one wants to take the chance. it’s funny when you post something and ten people start apologising for things they didn’t do.

i think next time i should start with ‘to the person who is not keith’, because keith takes the blame half the time for stuff that doesn’t concern him. and the ‘you’s that i write from one paragraph to another are different, but nobody can tell. the third paragraph was meant for you, keith, not the second. the second is someone else, don’t get the wrong idea. and: everybody is biding their time.

how am i so deliberately vague,
i don’t know. it works for me, when you don’t know who i’m talking about. sometimes it’s troublesome because i don’t even remember who i talk about sometimes, but although it takes abit of memory work eventually the reason i wrote it comes back, and i remember who it was i was talking about. why do i even write it at all, because most of the time i can’t be bothered to write it out by hand, and some things need to be said even if they are to people who will always remain anonymous, most of the time i don’t write for myself. i write to you. the things i don’t say i write somewhere else where you will never find it. so here is my communication channel to you. everything i want you to know is here, and nothing i don’t is also here. each message is screened and censored and reworked if the need arises. sometimes i feel like my own gestapo. the sin of doublespeak. doublethink, even. and the horror of articulation.

am going to get about eight jabs on wednesday for immunisation, or so ian says, and then after that i have to rush to ps at 7.30 for alumni council meeting. i am beginning to feel tired. tiredtiredtiredtired. next time when you say die, i will reply: gladly. i hate this. correspondence with moe is tedious and tiring and disgusting and yet completely necessary.

i need to study for econs.

went light-browsing today, for the new house. saw a few cool lamps i liked alot, with a nice pricetag to match too. i don’t know why i’m even caring since i probably won’t get to stay in it anyway. sigh.

open fire on my needs designed on my knees for you:
woman on the edge of time. white cover, pink flower, marge piercy at the bottom. luciente is her name, and they call people per, not him or her. i remember connie, and the line ‘i killed them, because it is war.’ random images from a time long gone, photographs of memories that i can somehow call up at will. i remember the strangest things, like how many shirts you have. it imposes familiarity. i impose familiarity. it’s like having the family you never had. bang, bang.

mm, look at the incoherence. i remember the white shirt. i like white shirts, i like white. white is a nice colour, it’s clean. easy to dirty but clean. and it makes everybody look so bare. tracing veins through skin, remembering when you drew dotted lines round your wrist with a little scissors that said ‘cut here’ like on those tetra paks, except now those packets have convenient screw-things or flip-tops or some newfangled invention and that makes everybody’s life easier, including mine. it draws the memories away abit further when you don’t see things that remind you of them.

i bought a new skirt yesterday, except there is no reason why i should have bought it because it’s exactly the same colour as the old one even though i was looking for another colour, it cost me 25 bucks (which is ok for a skirt, actually) and the only difference is that it’s shorter. i keep telling myself i need a change but i still keep going back to the things that are familiar, that are old. like my seventeen year old baby bolster. my mother says she will give it to me as part of my dowry and let my husband deal with my idiosyncrasies like me having to sleep with my baby bolster every night. i counter that by saying that it is entirely possible that my husband is worse than i am in this respect. why would i want to marry someone like that, my mother asks. probably because i think i love him, i reply. and love, apparently, negates all these even for a while.

watched my mother have high tea with her p1 classmates yesterday, sat around for 2 hours listening to them and sorely regretted not going home myself and spending transport money. i did it cos i wanted to save 90 cents. actually $10.45, because i only had 50 cents left in my ezlink card and i would have had to spend 10 bucks in order to top it up to get on the mrt. is 2 hours of my time worth $10.45? that question is hard to answer. how can things like this be measured with money? and in any case i got a free ride home. anyway back to the original point: i can’t even remember who my p1 classmates are. and my mother’s exclassmate (who is now my family doctor) has an email which reads littleshooky[at]yahoo.com.sg. her sons (she has four) complain their mother is childish. i sit on the fence because they set it up for her. it is amusing to watch friends grow up and now they all have girlfriends, except for the eldest, who does not study and goes out with every girl in town preceding the days of the o and a levels and still comes back with a whole string of a’s. he wants to do medicine, he says. he wants to finish his ns first. his mother tells him to make up his mind, and he decides he loves singapore more than he loves medicine. like adri he too makes the choice to stay. i think somehow though we are all iron-hearted singapore is a magnet.

now i remember i was supposed to read econs or watch something except now it is too late, and i still haven’t changed out of my clothes since i came home at 8 from church. i need to take a bath especially now that i have started using the bath thing that chew gave me last year for my birthday (in addition to underwear, which she always buys one size too big) because it smells wonderful and makes me feel happy. and it is a nice colour. it is rachel’s favourite colour, teal! and it comes in a nice transparent bottle (i’m not making sense here). but the attraction of inertia. i am a great big lump.

went for medical checkup on friday and have been declared insane to travel so much within two months. in other news i have grown 0.5cm and lost 3kg. i don’t know why you’d care but i’m just putting it down anyway, since i’m already saying so much.

also, ben at mcyc says to look out for the very quiet and the very loud ones, because they’re the ones with the problems. he says. all i get to do at interact cip is play cs and sell things and play pool. i’m trying to decide if that’s a good or bad thing. also, boystown is huge. and i looked at their boystown magazine and flipped to the page that reads ‘2003 leavers’ and remembered that jeanne’s brother was staying there.

the world has its mysterious connections.

a wrinkle in time. the Happy Medium(TM) is a beautiful person. neither male nor female because it’s the Happy Medium(TM)! oh and the guy who played calvin o’keefe is cute, even though he wasn’t like the calvin o’keefe i expected him to be. i always thought AWIT was the best time novel l’engle ever wrote, because the issues it dealt with struck so much harder. except now i dont remember how the other three go, since i haven’t read them for so long. ‘what, may i ask, is that wind in the door?’– and i think the very first adventures of meg murry and calvin o’keefe were the best. i never wanted them to grow up, and it was totally weird reading about the adventures of the o’keefe kids with meg as the beautiful mother and not the misfit child who was bent on protecting her baby brother. and whatever happened to charles wallace? sometimes the most important people fade away before you realise it.

i saw the sky this afternoon and i wanted to take a picture of it. it was a cloudy day but the sun was so bright, so bright, but i had no camera. it is the simple things that are free. and yesterday’s moon was beautiful too, even though it was just a sliver.

round and round and round it goes, and where it stops nobody knows!
hanson. lyrics from a long time ago. amazing, the things i remember.

if i were you, i’d stay very far away from me right now.

don’t talk to me about things you have no clue about. don’t joke about things you have no idea of. these things are sensitive, these things cause pain. i don’t care much for your casual assumptions and brush-offs whenever i tell you so. the irritating thing is that i know you’re just the way you always are and i’m overreacting because you’re not really doing anything out of the ordinary. but it still doesn’t mean you can’t irritate me with the way you are, and at this point in time you are the last person i want to talk to.

and why don’t i give some other people a chance, you asked me an hour ago, and the answer is that i don’t want to think about it. some things should come naturally, meanwhile i go do my things. i would, if it was supposed to happen.

need to make specs. mum is convinced that when i go to mongolia my specs will drop off while i’m building houses and break into two, so i’m getting forced to make a spare pair. not wearing contacts there for obvious reasons.

you gotta have faith ;)

mm yeah, faith for pres!!! ((:

—————————————–

am finally realising that i’m not in a position to be able to demand everything.

i don’t think i got through interact interview for exco, cos no one called. probably cos of my commitments cos they kept asking me throughout the interview whether or not i could cope with it. i guess i wasn’t very convincing -_-

but when the Lord closes the door, somewhere He opens the window!
learnt that from the sound of music. it taught me there will always be hope. (:

i’m going to mongolia! may 23 to june 8, which means i can’t take my sats on june 5 but that’s okay. going to ulaan bator to build houses for 16 days, how cool is that. haha i think my block tests are just gonna die. am considering just asking whether i can not take it. bah.

also: trip to japan is confirmed, and finally moe is giving way. moe says i will have to work out with angweehiong whether or not i get points for representing singapore, but that’s not really important. (crap i can’t believe i’m actually thinking about how to get my pearls points this is disgusting. pearls is screwed up.) july 11 to july 29 (about the same as last time, except it was july 9 i remember) that’s like 18 days in japan yeahhh. hope we get a night flight like the last time round. am the only non-primary sch person going! met this guy from mongolia going to japan in july as well, so that’s cool. hey maybe i can pick up sth from there to teach the mongolia people pleh.

+ there’s cap alumni council things to do. and college production is coming up soon. ok i don’t think i’m as free as i thought i was.

—————————————

haha oh no. like, oh no. like, ohnoohnoohnoohno. i feel terrible now just thinking about it. what have i done, hahsakjaskldjfhdfg. this totally blows. the more i think about it, the more confused i’m getting.

and i’ve been having lots and lots and lots of weird dreams lately. argghhhh

—————————————

dance night. it was so good, and yet half the time i kept thinking, you should’ve been up there. half-hoping they wouldn’t sing the school song or cheer, because i’d just stand there and cry being reminded of what i had to leave behind.

gonna go boystown tomorrow. will not think so much. then i’d be like, happy. (:

talking in circles. someone told me i did that.

i was gonna bitch about moe, but there’s not much point and that i can do, so nevermind.

watched i-contact today at ian’s house after cutting hair at far east and going for dinner. had 10 mins to get from far east to his house on foot, and somehow we made it on time! amazing. vivian balakrishnan on this time, and he was quite okay i guess. marginally better than the last time i saw him, trying to evade questions half the time. saw shloke on tv and nearly died laughing. mikhail asks weird questions.

had icecream! thank you ian (:

walked home with a painful heel, but my god it was beautiful. the trees, the light, the night. the creak of the gate when you turn the key in the lock, breaking the silent night in a desperate whisper, to be heard. when you try in vain to close the door, and can’t. when you look out and see the sky, in a purple robe, almost like that vision my mother said she had many years ago. when it just makes you smile, however quiet, however bitter. and though the phone vibrates even the reading of messages is surreal, like you’re not there. i saw every word you typed, and yet i didn’t. i don’t know how to explain it.

was just reminded that i have to run 4by1 tomorrow, crap.

mm yes, anything to see you smile.

scraped my heel and now it hurts like crap. i hate the chinese high track bah.

writing is therapeutic. like writing using your hand, not just writing as in writing writing from the heart. and talking about that i need to write. writewritewritewritewrite! need to submit something for litwing like soon, so something needs to come out. i would give her prose but i always feel like i’m cheating whenever i write prose, it’s so much easier than writing poetry. writing poetry these days drains me even before i start. then again most things are draining.

some things smartify everybody else and stupidifies me (and i quote that from somebody), i feel myself not thinking these days. sooner or later i’m just gonna regress to some horrible state of stagnation (or even worse) and then i’d just die when i realise i haven’t been realising that i’m going this direction. gahhh. give me issues to think about! i have to force myself to think about issues these days, i need to read newspapers and start writing into forum again, i need to read more books that provoke thought and not just mindless ooh-ing and aah-ing over craft. literature is good but it only takes you that far. current affairs! politics! philosophy! questions to the meaning of life! it is time to start thinking again and now is a good time. and hell yeah bernie what wouldn’t i give to return to my sec4 year again. and fourtwelve. but i’ve gone through this before.

neek sent me a letter yesterday! now have a rainbow friendship band (i think this is the 4th one she’s made me) on my pencilcase for lack of anywhere else to put it because everywhere else already has one dangling from it. the one on my bag is dying soon i suspect, because i pull it too much. oops.

i want to go shopping! though whatever for, i don’t know. i think it’s just the experience of looking at pretty things and forgetting about everything else for a moment, and engaging yourself in a completely time-wasting activity. it’s fun when you have nothing to do, but i prefer shopping alone cos there’s no one to bug you or wait for. i want to buy books. books upon mountains of books, which i now have no time to read. i have 3464577 books to read still, and am halfway through three of them. and all of them are fiction! i need to finish reading all my half-read non-fiction books. esp the ones that have been lying around for like two years, like the female eunuch!!! argh. oh everyone should read herbert read’s to hell with culture— read it at the end of sec3 and found it really cool. go read! or you can ask me if you want it. just don’t kill the book or i will kill you.

pleh im sleepy so i will go sleep. i know it’s bloody 940 but i’m past caring, am really tired.

we don’t talk about the little things that we do without when that whole mad season comes around

it is quite funny how all of us look at our parents and resolve never to do those things to our kids, to give them everything they need, everything they want, and no one ever realises that it’s never going to work out, not because your good intentions are misplaced, but only that thirty years down the road when our kids start feeling the same things towards us, it is only then that we realise and we realise too late that we have become the parents we never wanted to become, because we, too, have imposed our own image of what our children should be according to what we could never become.

just a thought.

talked to neek just now. ohohoh and had iced rose apple tea!
i am happy and all is right with the world. (:

who knows when you go crazy in a four-walled room at two in the morning?

no i will not pick up the phone and call you. you know why. i hope you dont blame me. i really want to now but i wont. you know why also, youve known me long enough. i know your line is always open and so is your heart but i cant bring myself to do it. i love you in ways you could never imagine and i miss you far beyond what is required of me. no its not you im referring to, nor you nor you nor you. i cant talk to you about things without thinking how far away you are from me. do you know how that feels? haha. i don’t know it’s driving me crazy. and don’t make me cry.

i hear the clock at six am
i feel so far from where i’ve been
i’ve got my eggs i’ve got my pancakes too
i’ve got my maple syrup, everything but you
i break the yolks and make a smiley face
i kinda like it in my brand new place
i wipe the spots off the mirror, don’t leave my keys in the door
i never put white towels on the floor anymore, cos

dreams last so long
even after you’re gone
and i know that you love me
and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you

i called my momma, she was out for a walk
consoled a cup of coffee, but it didn’t wanna talk
so i picked up a paper and it was more bad news
of hearts being broken, or people being used
put on my coat in the pouring, pouring rain
saw a movie but it just wasn’t the same
cos it was happy and i was sad and it
it made me miss you oh so bad cos

dreams last for so long
even after you’re gone
i know you love me
and soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you

i go about my business, i’m doing fine
besides what i would say if i had you on the line
same old story, not much to say
hearts are broken everyday

i brush my teeth and put the cap back on
i know you hate it when i leave the light on
i pick a book up and then i turn the sheets down and then i
take a deep breath and a good look around
put on my pj’s and hop into bed
i’m half alive but i feel mostly dead
i try and tell myself it’ll be alright
i just shouldn’t think anymore tonight
cos

dreams last for so long
even after you’re gone
i know you love me and
soon you will see
you were meant for me
and i was meant for you

— jewel.

the things that keep me sane i realise these days are so far away. like there were so many things and the feeling now is so far, sometimes you just feel drained, and terribly tired. i wish i could see you in a green skirt and white shirt too, i could imagine how you’d look like, but you’d always be the one to fly away, and i’d be the one grounded on earth. i don’t mind it that way, only in times like these i miss you more than ever. i love you, and no i’m not afraid to admit it. the world was never meant for one as beautiful as you– you told me that before, once, when i felt like shit, and your words are the only things that are left of you, now, at this point in time, and they are all i have to keep me through.

i love this song it’s so sad. i love jewel’s old songs; they’re so simple and yet you can hear the emotion behind her voice. her, and sarah mclachlan, though sarah mclachlan’s lyrics are slightly more literary-sounding. like, more cheem. haha i don’tknow. tired smiles abound. today was an okay day i suppose. at least dinner wasn’t too bad, although it wasn’t too good either.

i looked at nurul and saw my thoughts reflected back at me.

and your words burn like candles–

no i don’t know who you are anymore. naively i used to think i did, even if it was only to a certain extent, but i thought, i know you better than that. perhaps people change, along with their circumstances. i can’t say as much about the other but you, but you i can comment on. i used to think i knew. this week has been exhausting emotionally and it’s almost like a few months ago, except this time the one with problems isn’t me. it’s funny how you take on somebody else’s problems and treat them like your own, and you worry and fret even though it’s got nothing to do with you. it’s one of those things where you know you shouldn’t interfere, and yet you can’t help caring about it.

there used to be certain opinions i held of you and perhaps sometimes conclusions change when the information does (i think keynes said this, but nevermind) and sometimes you don’t know whether this is true or not. it’s like a two way mirror where you look at it and never know which side is the reflection. i don’t know you anymore, not really, these days you grow so distant, so isolated, so far away. these days it takes so much to reach you and in all possibility you look past me even more than i can look through you. and that’s saying alot. i don’t know if you truly believe in the things you say you believe in, or that you truly believe in the justification for what you’re doing. you know most of the time what you say is an excuse. you know it in your heart and you do not need me to tell you this, you know it is an excuse. so far, so distant, so isolated — i never expected you would go down this far.

it always pains me that i could have somehow prevented it, and the two of us would not have been in the state where i have so much to say to you and you know what i am about to tell you, but neither of us is willing to make the first move. but in retrospect i realise there could’ve been nothing i could do, the conclusion would have been the same. i think i foresaw this even before you realised it had come. i don’t think it would have made any difference.

thank you, thank you, thank you. the two people i rely on to survive through these dark days, your words burn like candles in my heart. you may not know it but somewhere i am smiling back. thank you.

OMGOMGOMGOMOGMOMGOMGOMGG!!!!!!!!

hahahaha rare burst of enthusiasm but OMGOMGOMOGMGG!!! HAHAHAHA IM GOING BACK TO JAPAN IN JULY ((((: omg being peace ambassador owns 3 weeks of no school

am really really happy. (((:

indeed you try my patience, and i do not have much of it left.

these days i am too exhausted to talk. so i will write, though even this seems too tiring. crazy, though, because i haven’t been doing anything hectic. been sleeping from 6-9 this whole week, and still i feel sleepy by 1130. i think i have a permanent sleep deficit. my entire body clock has been wired wrong from the beginning, i think.

ah, my dear friends. don’t ask me what has happened, because i don’t know either. it feels like nothing has happened so please don’t think something has happened. don’t induce the placebo effect now, i really don’t need it. i used to have so many things on my mind i should feel glad now that my mind is nearly completely devoid of thought by this time of the night, except i don’t. strange how i blame people for being wishywashy. good at solving people’s problems, but never my own. i think it’s one of those outside points of view things. i think remarkably masculine when it comes to other people’s problems.

i think sometimes i am completely unsympathetic.

math is therapeutic. not much to analyse, my brain is taxed enough already. and there will be more to come, and more, and more and more and more and more. these days i look around, and i see my silence reflected back at me. it’s rather amusing if you detach yourself from it. most things are.

fighting sleep is a stupid thing to do.

ah yes, hit the nail right on the head.

pink girls.
btw thank you, miss out-of-the-blue. even if your brother is unbearable (:

che sanza speme vivemo in disio
that without hope we live in desire

i have had enough. (i tell you, no one gets subtle references anymore)
perhaps i am too subtle.

i have an announcement:
SOMEONE OWES ME THE FEMALE MAN. i want it back. now.

transformation of gender roles in utopian/dystopian fiction. (: screw acjc, i want our proj back.
do you have a full copy, baoen?

it is slightly amusing to mark how time passes; and your feelings along with it. a month ago i would have been agonising over a thing that now seems laughable, how naive i am sometimes. now i think i am fine, and most conflicts (if you can call them that) have been resolved somewhat, at least now i have answers instead of more and more questions, even if the answers are vague or may not be true. but i refuse to think on that. i consider that matter closed; it is not something i want to dig up again, whether or not at the end of the day it will happen, we will see. but i will do nothing to actively encourage it. i hope.

have been praying fervently these days, for reasons i cannot understand. i think prayer is somewhat like a drug. (and i never thought i’d see myself typing this) it soothes and calms you in the most fascinating ways possible. it is not something that can be explained. there have been so many instances of grace in my life i cannot help but believe even a bit of it, though i am still searching for my path. i do not know what it is that makes me believe, but that is the mystery of faith. i feel like one of those people in ‘born again’ advertisements. yet perhaps, i have been. i remember feeling like this last easter, too. then i slid back into my usual self, again. every easter my faith is reassured, and then i forget about it. too many questions to ask, i think.

i remember what jireh said awhile back: it is easy to believe when nothing has shaken your conviction.

sometimes i can’t explain the feelings i get. there are things i feel distinctly uncomfortable with, though they have nothing to do with me. (sidetracking, i smell burning in the air. this is suspicious.) and i still get tingly when i see you and i am forced to look away. have you realised i cannot hold your gaze at all? it’s your eyes, i think. it is completely absurd. perhaps some things have lessened, but they are not completely gone. things like this, we will never know. some things you don’t want to know the answer to. and in any case it is a good arrangement, this way. i like things this way.

sidenote: mark doty is reading at the lrb bookshop on 30 may, and this is one of those things that make me wish i lived in england, even though i detest english winters. poetry in london! sigh.

interview was as okay as it could ever get, i suppose.

nurul said sth about being alone so much more easily in hc. it’s probably true. and in hc there are so many more places you can hide, so many more people you can hide amongst. it’s not like secondary school where the difference between sec1 and sec4 is so marked, and it’s easy to pick you out in a pool of 400+ people. esp in gep, when there are only 93 of us. but being alone isn’t bad, it’s probably good that it’s so much easier. you can go off somewhere and hide in peace. i think one day i will try going a day without speaking to people. consciously. forget the days when i was too siandiao or just pissed off or depressed to talk, and that only lasted till late morning at most, anyway. i’ve never been good at being alone among a sea of people– never saw much point in sitting around moping away from the crowd (if you’re the same room, especially) when you could just go over and be happy for awhile. it takes effort, surely, but it makes me smile to see other people smile. for awhile at least your troubles are laid aside. it takes more energy for me to be depressed than to be happy. there seems to be a whole ‘let’s be depressed’ script that you should be following on the days when you are, especially when you’re in school. on the days when it takes too much effort, then it’s time to go somewhere else and be alone. i think you should be there or just not there at all. not a halfway house, which is what i do all the time. never-quite-there. i think i have freaked out too many people in the course of my life by appearing like i’m staring at them when i’m not, i’m just looking into space. perhaps it’s even worse when i look straight past you like you’re not there though i’m staring in your direction. i don’t know, i’ve never been on the receiving end of it.

i hope it’s going to rain. rain at night is wonderful.

i think when you are attacked by random bouts of melancholy you should just ignore them. sometimes it hurts so much you can’t even begin to describe it and you just wish it’d go away. plehhh. never-quite-there. oh yeah and don’t listen to brothers in arms (by dire straits) when you’re in that kind of mood, it only makes you want to cry.

let us proclaim the mystery of faith!

jeannette winterson says, there is no love that does not pierce the hands and feet.

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the complete and utter isolation of the human soul; we, too, are stardust. dreams can be burdens if they fall into the wrong hands. that is why people should have siblings, she says. they carry your crosses for you at times when you are too weak to carry them yourself. too bad i am not fortunate enough to have this privilege.

today my mother taught me the language of loneliness.

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keith: what have you done?

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and oh yeah, pooky > you. it is the work of … the EGG.
(sorry pooky! -pats your head-)

i find it highly amusing that kwek weiren thinks me and nadia are twins. ..

today was packed. like really packed with activities and man i think today was a really good day (: esp the prayer session! i felt so much better after that, especially after the tense atmosphere inside which neither daniel or i could explain.

anyway, lame survey for kicks, which i koped from bernie:

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
only productive sector, even more productive. for instance,

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
(considers locus) glass, from the cupboard. my speakers. my computer screen. a book that reads ‘new ideas from dead economists’. my camera, then my yellow star called bobby.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?
that’s like, a really good question. i think it was channel 55

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
1152

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
1143

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
travis on replay, and the whirr of the fan.

7: When did you last step outside? What were you doing?:
like 45 mins ago, and i was looking at people eat stingray

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
blogs

9: What are you wearing?:
tshirt and shorts

10: Did you dream last night?:
yes. i dream nearly every night, and nearly every night it’s about the same few things.

11: When did you last laugh?:
today, but i laugh at most things.

12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
three depictions of the zodiac (for my father, my mother, and me); three pictures of a gate, a pier, and a house; the biggest frame is of my 1998 trip to japan on exchange; my father and mother in coolum; me in disneyland; some cross-stitch thing i did in primary 4

14(a): What book are you currently reading?:
new ideas for dead economists, the glass bead game, love in the time of cholera, politics of an elite culture

14(b): What is the last book you finished?:
oranges are not the only fruit, jeanette winterson (finished being the operative)

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
kinokuniya. all of it.

17: Tell me something about you that I don’t know:
my bolster is a person. or least, i pretend it is. o_O i can’t sleep without hugging sth

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would it be?
mm yes, prejudice would be a good place to start

19: Do you like to dance?:
mm yes! i could do anything, if the mood was right

20: What is the last thing you ate or drank?
milo dinosaur! haha (:

21(a): Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
i have no idea. juliana?

21(b): Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
reuben is cool! julian. joel. (i was gonna say ian cos it’s nice and short but it’s too prone to being mispronounced and i really don’t want any child of mine to go through horrible name pronunciations)

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
perhaps, if it suited me

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lipstick words, what a brilliant metaphor. brennan is a genius.

today was different, today was real. i could feel it, in the air.
and hey! God answers prayers! really He does. because it happened to me, and it happened so quickly. things i prayed for to get solved on sunday got solved on monday. because i don’t want people to walk down the same path i have, and surprisingly it has worked! now there are only a few more things to fix, and all will be well. and it is the strength that keeps me going, that He has given me. which is a good thing, because i’d die without it.

and yes: i love him, but only on my own.

i’ll take the cyanide

i know you think i’m talking about you, but i’m not, really. the person i’m talking about, let’s call this person B: i knew B about the same time i did you, perhaps later; but i saw B nearly all the time. so many things were passed between us, and now that i think back on it i wonder how B survived at all. if it was painful then, it hurts more even now.

pretty little girls always get corrupted along the way. i remember you rosy-cheeked and sparkly-eyed and remember that sometimes you smiled with a brilliance i couldn’t find anywhere else. these days i look at you and it’s gone, somehow, though something else has replaced it: something older, more knowing, more cynical, distrustful.

nurul has been a great help, somehow.

don’t accord it more pain than it deserves: it’s true, it’s true. thank you, even if there isn’t any need for it. sometimes your words are enough.

crazy little girl, smashing lightbulbs to hide the darkness. you know it’s not going to work. please don’t do it anymore, you’re just killing yourself.

you, you, you. are you the you that you see too? who knows? have fun guessing.

haha it’s not just that. it’s not just that.

i’m beginning to see the appeal in whatever you do.
if only i could find a wiling accomplice, i would do it.

sometimes you don’t really want people to take you up on your offer. i know how you feel now and it must not be very pleasant. i don’t know how you take it; i don’t know how you took it either.

smile! she told me. cos no one knows what you’re up to, heh.

we’re just two lost souls
swimming in a fish bowl

so, so you think you can tell
heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain?
freedom from a cold steel rail?

wish you were here

did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?

haha. haha. hahahahaha. twenty little white lies, i remember so clearly those hands.

i’m always here, if you want me,
though i am not the centre of the universe.

words from a wise little girl so far away now, i feel so empty.