the problem with talking about ‘you’ all the time is that after awhile everybody starts assuming you’re talking about them. well haha to you, i say, because most of the time it isn’t, and they know it, but no one wants to take the chance. it’s funny when you post something and ten people start apologising for things they didn’t do.
i think next time i should start with ‘to the person who is not keith’, because keith takes the blame half the time for stuff that doesn’t concern him. and the ‘you’s that i write from one paragraph to another are different, but nobody can tell. the third paragraph was meant for you, keith, not the second. the second is someone else, don’t get the wrong idea. and: everybody is biding their time.
how am i so deliberately vague,
i don’t know. it works for me, when you don’t know who i’m talking about. sometimes it’s troublesome because i don’t even remember who i talk about sometimes, but although it takes abit of memory work eventually the reason i wrote it comes back, and i remember who it was i was talking about. why do i even write it at all, because most of the time i can’t be bothered to write it out by hand, and some things need to be said even if they are to people who will always remain anonymous, most of the time i don’t write for myself. i write to you. the things i don’t say i write somewhere else where you will never find it. so here is my communication channel to you. everything i want you to know is here, and nothing i don’t is also here. each message is screened and censored and reworked if the need arises. sometimes i feel like my own gestapo. the sin of doublespeak. doublethink, even. and the horror of articulation.
am going to get about eight jabs on wednesday for immunisation, or so ian says, and then after that i have to rush to ps at 7.30 for alumni council meeting. i am beginning to feel tired. tiredtiredtiredtired. next time when you say die, i will reply: gladly. i hate this. correspondence with moe is tedious and tiring and disgusting and yet completely necessary.
i need to study for econs.
went light-browsing today, for the new house. saw a few cool lamps i liked alot, with a nice pricetag to match too. i don’t know why i’m even caring since i probably won’t get to stay in it anyway. sigh.
open fire on my needs designed on my knees for you:
woman on the edge of time. white cover, pink flower, marge piercy at the bottom. luciente is her name, and they call people per, not him or her. i remember connie, and the line ‘i killed them, because it is war.’ random images from a time long gone, photographs of memories that i can somehow call up at will. i remember the strangest things, like how many shirts you have. it imposes familiarity. i impose familiarity. it’s like having the family you never had. bang, bang.
mm, look at the incoherence. i remember the white shirt. i like white shirts, i like white. white is a nice colour, it’s clean. easy to dirty but clean. and it makes everybody look so bare. tracing veins through skin, remembering when you drew dotted lines round your wrist with a little scissors that said ‘cut here’ like on those tetra paks, except now those packets have convenient screw-things or flip-tops or some newfangled invention and that makes everybody’s life easier, including mine. it draws the memories away abit further when you don’t see things that remind you of them.
i bought a new skirt yesterday, except there is no reason why i should have bought it because it’s exactly the same colour as the old one even though i was looking for another colour, it cost me 25 bucks (which is ok for a skirt, actually) and the only difference is that it’s shorter. i keep telling myself i need a change but i still keep going back to the things that are familiar, that are old. like my seventeen year old baby bolster. my mother says she will give it to me as part of my dowry and let my husband deal with my idiosyncrasies like me having to sleep with my baby bolster every night. i counter that by saying that it is entirely possible that my husband is worse than i am in this respect. why would i want to marry someone like that, my mother asks. probably because i think i love him, i reply. and love, apparently, negates all these even for a while.
watched my mother have high tea with her p1 classmates yesterday, sat around for 2 hours listening to them and sorely regretted not going home myself and spending transport money. i did it cos i wanted to save 90 cents. actually $10.45, because i only had 50 cents left in my ezlink card and i would have had to spend 10 bucks in order to top it up to get on the mrt. is 2 hours of my time worth $10.45? that question is hard to answer. how can things like this be measured with money? and in any case i got a free ride home. anyway back to the original point: i can’t even remember who my p1 classmates are. and my mother’s exclassmate (who is now my family doctor) has an email which reads littleshooky[at]yahoo.com.sg. her sons (she has four) complain their mother is childish. i sit on the fence because they set it up for her. it is amusing to watch friends grow up and now they all have girlfriends, except for the eldest, who does not study and goes out with every girl in town preceding the days of the o and a levels and still comes back with a whole string of a’s. he wants to do medicine, he says. he wants to finish his ns first. his mother tells him to make up his mind, and he decides he loves singapore more than he loves medicine. like adri he too makes the choice to stay. i think somehow though we are all iron-hearted singapore is a magnet.
now i remember i was supposed to read econs or watch something except now it is too late, and i still haven’t changed out of my clothes since i came home at 8 from church. i need to take a bath especially now that i have started using the bath thing that chew gave me last year for my birthday (in addition to underwear, which she always buys one size too big) because it smells wonderful and makes me feel happy. and it is a nice colour. it is rachel’s favourite colour, teal! and it comes in a nice transparent bottle (i’m not making sense here). but the attraction of inertia. i am a great big lump.
went for medical checkup on friday and have been declared insane to travel so much within two months. in other news i have grown 0.5cm and lost 3kg. i don’t know why you’d care but i’m just putting it down anyway, since i’m already saying so much.
also, ben at mcyc says to look out for the very quiet and the very loud ones, because they’re the ones with the problems. he says. all i get to do at interact cip is play cs and sell things and play pool. i’m trying to decide if that’s a good or bad thing. also, boystown is huge. and i looked at their boystown magazine and flipped to the page that reads ‘2003 leavers’ and remembered that jeanne’s brother was staying there.
the world has its mysterious connections.
a wrinkle in time. the Happy Medium(TM) is a beautiful person. neither male nor female because it’s the Happy Medium(TM)! oh and the guy who played calvin o’keefe is cute, even though he wasn’t like the calvin o’keefe i expected him to be. i always thought AWIT was the best time novel l’engle ever wrote, because the issues it dealt with struck so much harder. except now i dont remember how the other three go, since i haven’t read them for so long. ‘what, may i ask, is that wind in the door?’– and i think the very first adventures of meg murry and calvin o’keefe were the best. i never wanted them to grow up, and it was totally weird reading about the adventures of the o’keefe kids with meg as the beautiful mother and not the misfit child who was bent on protecting her baby brother. and whatever happened to charles wallace? sometimes the most important people fade away before you realise it.
i saw the sky this afternoon and i wanted to take a picture of it. it was a cloudy day but the sun was so bright, so bright, but i had no camera. it is the simple things that are free. and yesterday’s moon was beautiful too, even though it was just a sliver.
round and round and round it goes, and where it stops nobody knows!
hanson. lyrics from a long time ago. amazing, the things i remember.