somehow the world looks at you differently when you’re carrying flowers on the way home. being stared up and down is not a comfortable experience, in fact it is quite unnerving. when you feel eyes upon you all the time you start wondering if you’re a freak for carrying flowers home, like nobody else does, ever. i wonder if in their minds they silently make up scenarios in which the flowers were given, all the different situations and possibilities, like i would have done in their place. had dinner with the mongolia gang today, which largely solved most of my doubts about whether our relationship after mongolia was ever going to survive. though everyone was stoned and staring into space and totally not understanding what was going on at all, we got through dinner somehow and managed to pay the correct amount while terrorising the waitress most of the time. i don’t know why exactly i’m here but i had something to say, and like always, i can’t remember what.

on another note these are the things you never notice till it’s too late: how you could be bathing for ten minutes and be wet all over without realising the hand holding the showerhead is completely dry; how the ribbon off the bouquet of flowers has fallen off; how the pages of your books have yellowed and the covers have been discoloured; how your things gather dust and turn grey. the slow accumulation of used pens in your drawer; the untouched economics textbook. the jar of sweets that hasn’t been opened; the box of biscuits that’s opened too long; the tarnishing of your silver bracelet; the way your earrings don’t turn black. the number of years you’ve known your enemy; how easily alliances are switched. the way you can brush off forgetfulness; the slow discovery of things you never wanted to know about yourself. the dead silverfish on a stack of papers; the way colourcoded bookshelves revert back to their old state. the thought that you haven’t been paying attention as much as you used to; how the faces you thought you remembered have altered. the way handwriting bends itself to your fancies; and the slow drip-drip of the leaking aircon as you sleep like the dead, till the puddle is too large and everything is stained a darker colour.

i want to sleep but my hair is wet.

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so come for the hcjc homecoming carnival if you aren’t already coming. and let’s all sound like an advertising whore here but that’s okay, i’m desperate. it actually looks quite promising, though our stall being the ultimate slack is like, not doing much. except for consignment goods. which sihui and shuhui are (currently) frantically price tagging. i feel abit guilty not going to help them, but i had another appointment, which was –

to see my baby niece clare! oh she’s so cute. though i ended up playing more with her brother than her because he dragged me to his playroom and we started fiddling with cars and railway tracks. oh how i love baby boys. they go nuts when they see cars.

and i’m hooked on blackcurrant and peach pastilles! oh no i’m popping them like every two seconds or something, that’s me with gummies! never trust me with gummies they’d just disappear within a minute. i think i finished 3 tubes of frutips in 10 minutes before, i just couldn’t stop. gotta get my gummy fix! yeahhhhh. -beams- and i sound horribly bimbotic here haha but who cares gummies rock lol (:

i wish someone’d give me a lifetime supply of chocolate! and cheese! and gummies! and bread! and ramen and kimchi and any kind of soup. actually i just want a lifetime supply of food. haha.

am somewhat high after today and i’m oddly excited about tomorrow. my cousin is coming down! yay! and ian! my cousin demands you buy him icecream! (don’t ask me why) so there you go! and let’s all talk in exclamation marks!

yay! (:

early morning and i’m wondering if it’s just me or if i’m the cold one here.

i had alot of things to write and then i came here and i lost it all. staring at your econs notes is bound to make anyone crazy, i think. i’m sleepy in spite of the fact that i woke up at ten, and my phone is ringing nonstop for some reason. i still don’t know where my twentieth century short stories is, not that it matters, and the phone in my house just got slammed down for about the tenth time in a row because someone’s not in a good mood. these days the bed looks too inviting, and you just want to fall asleep and not wake up. an exercise in dreaming, like we all need to learn. and i talk about ‘these days’ like i’ve not only been back about four. it’s funny how it’s so easy to fit back into things when you’re familiar, and how you take so long to adjust elsewhere. and i’m suddenly conscious of the fact that i’m stating an obvious fact here, but it doesn’t matter.

i think writing by hand is therapeutic. it actually feels tangible, and tangibly cathartic, because you can see what’s going on and you actually feel like something’s been let out. bleeding ink, it seems. popups blocked (69), on my toolbar, and i don’t know why i just said that but i did, nothing makes sense much to me today. i apologise, though as an afterthought i don’t know why i’m apologising because there’s nothing to apologise for? i should stop like now before i drive myself crazy writing things i feel that don’t actually make sense.

i was doing something and then the train stopped.

my left eye is infected from the multitudes of cigarette smoke there is around the place, i can only thank god nobody in my house or anybody i know smokes because i generally cannot stand the smell of cigarette smoke and plus, i can’t breathe and i can’t see because my eyes water and turn red and get infected. and swell. and they hurt when i try to close them. this is all the fault of cigarette smoke- i declare it the number one evil!

it’s one thing to turn away from the glare, i think. i am tired and sleepy and utterly exhausted and why am i still here? good question. not one i can answer, i think. harold pinter is draining no matter what the interpretation of his plays are like, so emotionally and psychologically intense it’s crazy. i preferred the lover somehow, can’t say much about the dumb waiter because i was so drained after the lover that most of it just passed me by. maybe it was because at that point in time i could empathise somewhat with that play. i don’t really know, not really.

there isn’t any school tomorrow so thank god for that. meanwhile i saw alot of things tonight i could write poems about, as well as alot of other things that have happened in my life recently, and yet i am not taking the trouble to put it into poetry. why that is, i don’t really know. i just know that now is not the time to be putting these scenes into poetry, it just seems wrong. the right moment, that’s what you need. that’s what i need, actually. i should stop saying ‘you’ like i’m not actually referring to me. haha.

i found my water boys dvd! am happy, am happy. and i will go to sleep now. am drained beyond belief.

20

you can’t buy a quiet night, i said.

getting locked out of your house is not a joke i would wish to have played on anyone, but thank goodness it was only fifteen minutes before my mother came home. it is quite horrifying to be making plans innocently for your day only to walk to your front gate and realise that the car is not in the porch and the front door is closed when it is usually not. and a dreadful sense of foreboding comes over you. and haha i make this sound like something dramatic.

i talked on the phone till the drops on my yoghurt drink evaporated, and there was a pool of water around the packet. i seem to have an unhealthy attraction to yoghurt drinks nowadays, which is kind of an oxymoron because yoghurt drinks are supposed to be healthy? am not making sense anymore.

today was everybody’s finals, it seems. i wonder how the c div finals against scgs was, perhaps after so long finally the title will be reclaimed. and perhaps the legacy continues. track finals were also today, and congratulations to rj for their doublechamp, baoen and kitfei and every other rj tracker i know must be ecstatic. so congratulations. and for – the rest – i say this with some trepidation, there is always a tomorrow. and you know the effort you put in it has been worth it, no matter what colour your medals are. you would not have been here if you didn’t love this. and your sweat will see you through. at times like these words of comfort are not the best thing to hear, but i will say it anyway.

i resent sometimes being mistaken for somebody i am not. but it’s all all right!, i remember baoen scrawling on a notebook in sec4, i still have the picture of our group that we took somewhere last february. charmaine eunice baoen inez me, in that order. i even remember the seating arrangement. haha.

forgetfulness is not a sin, i reiterate again, though it echoes along the hallways of my house and the voices bounce off the walls. though it is nobody’s fault, pain, like love – ruimin says – is palpable. and sometimes it is hard to tell if they are not one and the same.

and there are more words of poetry running through my head now than ever before, though i can’t seem to get it all this down- fragments of sentences and poems from places i’ve never heard about before, from places i see everyday, everywhere. these things describe themselves in my head, and if you see me about looking slightly spaced out, i’m probably hovering somewhere inside my head, trying to get the words right. it’s not difficult, really. i’m spaced out about 80% of the time.

i don’t know why the acronym GNN is flashing through my head now, but it is. it’s sort of like in its own lighted box, like the kind you find flashing exit above cinema doors, going GNN! GNN! GNN! hahaha. gossip news network, something shimmie invented. it’s quite funny now to think about it, since all of it has passed and most of it is fortunately quite laughable.

today was a relatively enjoyable day. time to get back into the swing of things, it seems. the days of dreaming are over, and econs and history and the general weather of singapore nowadays makes me more at peace with myself than ever. so i’m prone to horrible mood swings like the rest of the female population, therefore i will take my comfort where i can. watching the words form on your paper is mildly therapeutic. and i have yet to figure out why the notes i take in class occupy only half the paper needed compared to the rest. it is one of the great mysteries of life i will never solve, the unnecessity of more paper. mr burge tells me there’s no such word, except i don’t know what the opposite of necessity is, so i’ll just invent my own. that’s what you do when you have nowhere else to go, i think. you invent your own place.

i discovered why my typing has been abominable since i’ve come back. it’s because somehow i adapted myself to using my left thumb to press the spacebar in japan, when i usually use my right, because whenever i use my right thumb in japan it hits some absurd key that turns everything i type into hiragana. so there, i’ve found my mistake, now i can type in peace. funny how you never know what’s wrong till it hits you out of nowhere, then you’re like, oh. yeah. i think life has a funny way of sneaking up on you.

these days the nights are quiet, they’re perfect and silent and raining. i would not miss these for anything, those quiet highs i talked about so long ago, the crazy sense of elation in you that’s somehow calming in itself. i looked at the moon last night and was glad that you can’t buy a quiet night. these things come to you by themselves.

things like this are not meant for me to say, but it’s true, it’s true! when God closes the door, somewhere He opens the window. words from the sound of music i have carried in my heart all this while, words from a forty year old movie that still rings true. and the Lord will tell you in His own good time. how wonderfully life works. (:

 

it was awkward in the beginning and the silence was solid. i could feel your eyes through my head and were you looking? i was looking, too. slowly i mouthed my first words and gathered up the courage to talk to you, to look you in the eye, like we were old friends, which in fact we were. in the awkwardness of the day i looked for you through the reflections of the squash court doors, like i used to do everytime we had pe, so i could look at you without you knowing, find out where you were. i was always convinced you were somewhere else, and then it’d be another thing to find your reflection in the glass doors, and it would be okay. then in the air of the after-rain i stood watching as she raised her arms like she was in salute, and you came over, and everything fell into place. i walked home today in silence only to find that someone else stopped on the same stop. justin lives too near me! it’s funny how people sort of know each other and yet they don’t, this subtle recognising of faces here and there but nothing is ever said and then you just walk away in opposite directions perhaps wondering when will be the next time you stop together while going home. a house near mine is getting renovated in a big way. i don’t know why i remember it, maybe it’s the sheer amount of scaffolding that’s been put up. my mum is convinced their roof has fallen in or something.

 

also it’s funny how people appear and disappear. yesterday i was at the airport coming out after taking my luggage and i saw my father in the window. and nothing feels so good as a surprise, though he flew back this morning. tonight when i came home the car wasn’t in the porch, which is strange because mothers should always be around during dinnertime. my grandmother told me when she opened the door, that my uncle in johor bahru was in hospital, and my mother went to visit. so how easily it is that disappearances are explained, with a few words, as if they said so much.

 

watched a multitude of movies on the flight home and that’s resulted in my horrible lack of sleep. watched jeux d’enfants, which is so haunting and utterly scary, and the stupidest movie ever has got to be win a date with tad hamilton. also watched concert for george which was a tribute to the late ex-beatle, with paul mccartney and eric clapton and ravi shankar and ringo starr and joe brown! royal albert hall in london. i swear, someday, i’m gonna go there and watch a concert. dire straits performed there this june! arghhhh. sigh

 

jhumpa lahiri is a wonderful author. (: my face is peeling, and the one thing i remember about japan is that when i held up my arm against the car window, my hair merged green with the sunlight. i remembered a photo yange took in mongolia of a cow, and was vaguely reminded of that when i did it. how unflattering, to be reminded of a cow when you’re looking at yourself. but then again i suppose it’s funny if you take it with a pinch of salt. everything’s funny if you take it with a pinch of salt. so all’s good, if you’re happy. and more than one person has said that.

 

am vaguely happy.

she needs, she hates, she takes.

things are different when you’re here and they’re there. and nothing ever seems the same. the sky is a different colour, and the cigarette smoke smells different. things have changed where the skies are lit up with endless green and i’m still not used to the keyboard- funny how two weeks can make so much of a difference. and now i’m here and i don’t want to be here, maybe the seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake. the lights blink orange on the screen and maybe there’s no one left to talk to, i wish i could just smile at you and watch you smile back, we talk but words keep us apart. and it’s painful, though my eyes are closing, and i want to cry. i didn’t feel like this the last time round, but now i’m older, maybe i’m wiser, more easily hurt. i remembered your face and i held my tears till the last moment before i went in. and i miss you, really i do. ayumi!

ripping off stuff from neek is so much fun

99 things that make me happy!

1 white roses

2 clean shirts

3 nice smells

4 clean beds

5 aircon

6 good friends

7 good food

8 chocolate

9 cute soft toys (:

10 dinners

11 presents out of nowhere

12 the feel of paper

13 new pens

14 hugs

15 people smiling

16 people wearing blacknailpolish

17 receiving mail

18 sleeep

19 nice tans

20 water

21 boat rides

22 walking in circles

23 the esplanade at night

24 emerald hill!

25 you lying next to me (haha im such a ripoff)

26 hands

27 seesaws

28 being able to predict people’s wardrobes

29 kisses

30 getting friendship bands from people

31 white shirts

32 istana park

33 breezesss

34 long hot baths when its raining

35 nice bath things!

36 funky underwear

37 going shopping

38 nice earrings

39 skirts

40 getting my notebook vandalised

41 being called jasmine haha

42 good books

43 lipgloss

44 big shirts

45 shirts that remind me of you

46 taking pictures!

47 city lights

48 hotels

49 seeing my dad

50 hearing your laughter

51 seeing your face after so long

52 your purple hair

53 when people i love are happy

54 getting emails

55 knowing people love me

56 when people remember things i say

57 compliments!

58 blessings in disguise

59 huge soft towels

60 swimming

61 going out with my mum

62 my godfather!

63 crazy people who do dumb things

64 running in the night

65 writing

66 reading good books

67 when friends confide in me

68 highlighting

69 taking good notes

70 having extraordinary luck

71 being strong

72 you

73 unexpected kisses on the escalator

74 the taste of strawberries and cream

75 coffee

76 milk tea

77 tau huay!

78 rain

79 watching movies at home

80 curling up in bed

81 sleeping

82 making people happy

83 walking home

84 meeting people unexpectedly

85 talking in the middle of the night

86 unexpected phone calls

87 lovely friends

88 best friends

89 sappy romantic tv serials

90 poetry

91 good music

92 cushions

93 stars!

94 silver bracelets

95 cute pyjamas

96 haircuts

97 white shirts (did i say this already)

98 bus rides

99 being in love

disarm you with a smile

to leave you like they left me here

to wither in denial

the bitterness of one who’s left alone

i have concluded that time away from people really helps when you’re trying to think about things. so these two weeks are perhaps a blessing in disguise. you win some, you lose some- still you play. and that’s fine by me, i don’t mind anything. things are simpler when you’re happy, but perhaps it works the other way around too.

and bridgeclubsingapore is going to be my new baby. after seeing all these people here- i’m amazed by their sincerity, their warmheartedness, the way they do things. i look at singapore and i feel ashamed, really i do. i’m just overwhelmed here by the scale at which they do things, and i wonder why singapore doesn’t take the trouble to do anything like that. i want to start this up again, to set up bridgeclubsingapore. it’s not going to be easy, contacting all these people, but at least i know some of them, and in singapore the circle is so small all you really need to do is go look in the same few schools- they’re all there. bridgeclubbangladesh has agreed to support us and that’s just fantastic because they’re like the most active people ever. they’re going to have a south asian peace convention (along with 5 other countries) in 2005 and that’s just like, phwoar.

and everyone here is like an overachiever- michael from australia is a dean’s scholar doing a double degree and there are a million medical students like debby from indonesia who just graduated and ei from myanmar who’s going to become a dental surgeon. alexander from russia is studying linguistics in three different languages and saikhan&deegii from mongolia can speak japanese like it’s nothing. sengsanguoane from laos can also speak japanese like nobody’s business and his english is reallyreally good, and he’s so sweet and cute! looks adorable when he smiles lol. am one of the youngest here at 17 when everyone else is like 21 or 23 or even 26 like kran from thailand, who came from the first batch of JAs in 1989. that’s just fantastic man. and kran rocks! he’s like funky and listens to rock and gets all hot and bothered by holly valance and laughs at the stupidest things and sings dumb thai songs in this superhigh voice that gets everyone laughing. and he cooks superwell! haha (: really gonna miss them, this bunch of people. sigh. hopefully tomorrow we’ll get to go out again, although it’s weird not speaking singlish at all these 2 weeks and i think i’m going to start bowing alot when i get back and saying arigato for everything. and michael is nuts he and the newzealanders are like talking about 3450986 shit half the time and its just crazy. everything’s so crazy. i love these people.

japan is such a great country. even the vegetables are a brighter colour.

i don’t think i’ll be forgetting this year in a long while.

anyway! thoughts:

‘the Republic never seemed so beautiful as under the Empire; one’s native land never seems so beautiful as when under the heel of a conqueror, if there is hope again of seeing it intact. that is why one shouldn’t take the present intensity of national feeling as a guide to its actual efficacy, once liberation has been effected, for ensuring the stability of a public life.’

‘in times of greatest stress, which are not necessarily those of the greatest danger, but those when Man finds himself, in the face of the tumult raging in his flesh and blood and bowels, alone and bereft of all outward support, those whose inward lives depend entirely on one idea are the only ones capable of resisting. which is why totalitarian systems form men able to withstand anything.’

‘let no one imagine either that a love of this nature would run the risk of rejecting or ignoring what there is of pure and genuine grandeur in the past history of France, or in the country’s present hopes and ideals. quite the opposite. compassion is all the more tender, all the more poignant,  the more good one is able to discern in the being who forms the object of it, and it predisposes one to discern the good. when a Christian represents to himself Christ on the cross, his compassion is not diminished by the latter’s perfection, nor the other way about. but, on the other hand, such a love can keep its eyes open on injustices, cruelties, mistakes, falsehoods, crimes and scandals contained in the country’s past, its present and its ambitions in general, quite openly and fearlessly, without being thereby diminished; the love only rendered thereby more painful. where compassion is concerned, crime itself provides a reason, not for withdrawing oneself, but for approaching, not with the object of sharing the guilt, but the shame. thus compassion keeps its eyes open on both the good and the bad and finds sufficient reason for loving. it is the only love on this earth which is true and righteous. and just now it is the only sort of love which is suitable for the French.’

(simone weil, the need for roots)

on saturday i went to this shrine in dazaifu- my host family asked me to put my hand into the box and i did, and out came a piece of paper. i opened it, and they weren’t kidding when they said your life is in winter right now, they weren’t at all. so many things have been happening that i wish i didn’t have to know while i was here, sometimes i wish i could only have found out when i got back. but it seems that once you get over one something, something else comes and hits you. and that’s the painful part, not the blows themselves. it’s the constant knowledge that after this something worse will come. in these times the only thing that keeps me going is that when God closes the door, somewhere He opens the window. although i’m trying not to think about the fact that when one door opens alot of other windows close as well. i don’t know, i don’t want to know. i need to seriously rethink my priorities in life and yet settling for secondbest isn’t what i’m supposed to do. but i’m not sure anymore, i’m really not. i suppose with things as they are now i can say goodbye to alot of other things, so let’s just concentrate on what i have left, and make the best out of it. things like this you can’t help, but you do what you can.

in other news i just came back from the best camp ever in my life despite having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night for an unprecedented fever. talking about the weirdest things and playing truth or dare, telling international ghost stories and doing the spookiest things ever at 3am in the morning, trying to avoid getting noticed. those are the things you remember when you leave. room 214 and 212. the anzac cove!  omg i love these people- really sad to have to leave them on monday argh. never gonna forget these middleofthenight people- michael! mez! matthew! min! seng! adnan! gaurav! gloria strawberry debby lissa tshering dorji ei saikhan deegii ena keisuke kousuke ayaka tomomi midori omg people from all over the world and they’re just wonderful people. we all have secrets and we all have to hide, and we’re not nearly as perfect as they made us out to be, but PA2004 (: i miss them already sigh. PA and chaperone symposium tmr on education! should be interesting (i hope) haha sigh but despite all this i really want to go home. for once i miss my family lots, i want to go to school, i want to talk to the people i’ve always talked to, and most of all i just want to lie down on my bed and cry my heart out.

and i thought this sounded vaguely familiar. 

 

“i felt, growing within me, perhaps for the first time, a nauseating sensation of emptiness: so this was what it meant to be different: this was the price for being the salt of the earth. to carry on your crossbar a girl you desire and be so far from her as not to be able even to fall in love with her: carry her on your crossbar along viale gorizia to help her belong to someone else, and vanish from my life.” (primo levi, the periodic table: phosphorus)

 

i dreamt of you last night and it was not a good dream. in it contained all the insecurities and all the fears, in some kind of fearsome pandora’s box. i saw what kind of person you could become, overcome by jealousy in love for me, and i was afraid. but what scared me the most was that before i could apologise to you and return your face to its shy, smiling front, the alarm rang and i woke up- and left you in that state in my dreams forever, one that will haunt me for the rest of the day.

if you thought you saw the last of me, evidently not. there are apparently advantages to globalisation and technology! amazing, innit. (:

japan has been so much more than a destination for me. i miss everything here; it reminds me of how much i gained from the last time round, right down to picking the seeds off watermelon slices in some kind of delicate operation. remember, nurul? we were at a restaurant, i remember, and we were all struggling till john just gave up and took his fork and started picking everything out. haha. my eyes are really tired and i need to sleep though i just woke up, watched waterboys (they have a drama serial version! omg) till 3 last night. there’s so much to do, so much to see- i miss people lots and yet i don’t regret coming, i’ll have so much to tell when i get back. japanese food rocks, and i just found myself with a yukata! apparently i look very cute in it. it’s red! and complete with those funny matching japanese slippers! ohoho. gonna watch fireworks wearing that on sunday, can’t wait. oh and i can understand japanese, a little- the wonders of cultural exchange. i feel stupid because i left my jhumpa lahiri book on the plane, damn irritating. i think japan is the only place i can be familiar in unfamiliarity. or maybe england, too.

and i think all i’m going to end up doing here is eat! i’ve been eating nonstop these days and if i thought mongolia was bad, this is infinitely worse! but the food! oh, how can i resist?! all i need now is a few cute japanese guys and my life is complete- i saw one at the seven-eleven near my host family’s house yesterday night. hahahah. i think i’m always going to associate the smell of cigarette smoke with their house because that’s how it smells like all the time, even though i hate the smell of cigarettes. and did i mention i love japanese technology- i’m getting like everything burnt onto cds and bringing back cos my host family’s father rocks that way. and the quality is so good! mmmm. am happy. am happy. don’t wanna go home and face the mountain of homework! argh. actually there’s not much. just kindof need to do econs oh my econs is going down the drain ohohoho. and i don’t even wanna know my block test grades urgh.

ok i’m gonna eat breakfast now hmm. (which is sth i never do at home, ever) jya ne! (:

so i leave at 1am tomorrow morning, and for two weeks i will disappear. coming back 26th, landing at 3.40pm. life isn’t too bad after all.

argh will miss so many people! nadia and nurul and ian and keith and joel and bernard! shuki is having fun in germany now, and she’ll be back by the time i’m not here. love lots of people, will buy stuff back don’t worry! if i can find stuff, and so on. especially you, my coffeeboy, take care of yourself and sleep early! you can KO all you want these two weeks, and come home at absurdly early times. and your mum will love you to pieces then all will be well (: so long as you’re happy, anything goes, and i love you.

goodbye!

10

i think you extend time deliberately. with you time is extended and everything feels far longer than it actually is, ten minutes turn into thirty and six months is condensed into three weeks. it’s kind of like what barnard says about extending the range of economies of scale! haha.

i walked along the quay in my mind’s eye tonight because my heart was rooted in one place, and it couldn’t move. sleep, my love, sleep- and so it goes, that’s all you or i ever do. sing me a lullaby and i’ll sleep, i’ll remember that, i’ll remember that when i go over and i’ll remember you. i don’t think i could ever forget.

i was going to write alot more down because there were all these words running through my head when i was out just now but now i can’t remember a thing. i suppose it will all come back some time or another, when the time is right.

and what would you do if i bumped into you one day, i wonder, what would i do? probably i’d say hi, and walk away embarassedly like the girl i am.

i’m sleepy, now. chocolate cream cappuccino is heaven along with lots of other things. the taste of strawberries and cream, cold and sweet. walking up and down, secret smiles, what?, nothing!, we’re both crazy, i think. both crazy.

simone weil’s the need for roots! and primo levi’s the periodic table. need to find charlotte perkins gilman’s sequel to herland online, amongst others. oh, how i’ll miss things.

it is strange how you can’t keep away from one place forever. i’m kind of attached to this address, really, and after about two months of confusing people over where i’m posting i have decided it’s time to stop playing psychological games with the world and just post here for the rest of my life. or so i think, until i next change my mind. some places you keep on coming back to, and you can’t help it. it’s like how i’d pull out my rgs cd and watch my class video over and over again when i’m bored, when i was sixteen, when we were sixteen and we loved and hated everything. perhaps i’m turning my sec4 life into an ideal, a paragon of virtue (oh haha please) or something. you just keep on revisiting and you just can’t stop.

ninety miles outside chicago- so it is, tomorrow night i fly. and for the better part of two weeks you won’t see me again. i keep on disappearing this year and it is kindof scary, i do want to be here this time but i can’t- and i regret it more and more each day, except i know that this will evaporate the moment i reach there. plus my whole stack of econs and hist and math notes as well as christina’s nationalism notes to last me through all the lessons i’m going to miss, and hopefully i won’t die too badly when i come back, because missing barnard is just missing out, particularly since he’s getting onto the fun parts now. oh how i’ll miss econs, even though i do abysmally at it. any kind of political commentary is welcome, even if it’s not funny when it’s supposed to be. i wonder what happened to the me i was a long time ago, it seems like i’ve stopped thinking totally- i haven’t written a decent essay in months. by essay i mean the kind that i spout out in indignance of something that disturbs me, and it is disturbing now to realise that the fact that i haven’t written any kind of commentary in a long time means i have not been disturbed by much in a long time. i’m sure there have been issues floating about just waiting to be commented on but oh where are they! where is my mind?! i feel like a block of wood rotting away in the corner. i need to like, start reading newspapers again. i need isolde to be alive. i need people to talk to, to argue with, or my brain will atrophy by the wayside. oh and i say this at the expense of being called an intellectual snob, but i have been called that before and found that it doesn’t really disturb me so go ahead if you want to, i don’t really care.

i haven’t bathed since i’ve come back and that was two hours ago. i leave tomorrow and have spent the last two hours packing my luggage in preparation, kind of late to be doing it now, isn’t it, especially since i usually pack my luggage at least two days in advance so i have two days to rush out and go get whatever it is i might be missing. but this time i suppose it’s different, maybe because i don’t particularly want to leave. but then again i didn’t know how much i would have to leave behind in order to go there, when i applied in january. so here you go, you reap what you sow. and whatever you get out of it is directly proportional to the effort you put in so i will enjoy myself when i get there. have promised bernard that i will take care and so i will. (: all these lovely people about, how i’ll miss them. ahhh. oh well.

dinner time, now, and i eat an hour earlier than my usual time but that’s okay because i love my mother, after all it’ll be the last dinner i’m eating with her in awhile. later she goes off to church and i’ll be somewhere else, side by side, into the night. sound familiar? haha i think quoting myself is kind of weird, but it’s my line to begin with, so it doesn’t really matter. and i think i’m kind of rambling along now, so i’ll stop soon. just so long as i’ve finished rambling. am in a happy kind of ramble, in a happy kind of way. barnard said today that falling in love was highly inefficient and in my heart i agreed with him, but what he said later was even truer; human beings are finite and limited and we have our limitations. man is innately social and not a pure economic unit of labour! so, side by side, there we go. (and maybe i throw the word l— about too freely. l—, haha, like it’s a swear word.) and i pray the weather will be good tonight as it has been these few nights, with the chilled still air pregnant with love.

i was going to try and analyse you again for the last time in my life, in a kind of last ditch attempt at catharsis so i could get you out of my system once and for all- but i wrote two paragraphs before realising that this was totally and utterly pointless, and i can’t do it. not now, perhaps not ever. this guilt will never go away, and yet it doesn’t really matter. not anymore. yes i have better things to focus on. i am going to keep on telling myself that, over and over and over again. this kind of attitude has got to stop, it’s characterised my whole life so far. and i will do it if only to prove to myself that i am as good, if not better, than some people.

the words keep coming, you know. i try to block them out and still they come. they come in torrents, floods and waves, they crash on me like a tsunami and i am left dangling at the edge of a branch. i got it today again, while i was walking home through the after-rain at 10.30 at night, when it all came and i nearly couldn’t walk straight. that is how powerful the words are, coming at you. for others words are plain, they deal plainly and speak even plainlier; and for me they run round in circles, are mystical, sensual, and i never understand what they try to tell me. and literature is the process of trying to unravel the knots the words tie for me in my mind.

and these are the things that make me happy. today i went to school in the daze of the morning, and passed through the traffic as if i were in a tunnel. the roads zoomed by across my eyes while i closed them, and when i reached the morning blue had not yet cleared. walked to the classroom and saw you at the door, you smiled at me and you walked in, i followed. the morning was spent about at the benches on the fourth floor doing half my tutorial, making jokes and laughing- and your laughter rang out through the spaces. i loved that. through the blur of lessons (oh, but i was so lucid then!) i tumbled across till i came to math and heard what i had been expecting to hear. it is one thing to expect, though, and another thing to see. it will come soon, it will come. i do not believe this is my best because it is not. you are smart, you know this, and you will work for it. you are not stupid or you would not have been here. you know this too. strangely enough this didn’t dampen my spirits much, though i was peeved for quite awhile over my strange and recurring carelessness, but what’s new, what’s new. through the comfortable rain i walked to the bus stop and negotiated my way home, in a day of yellow. walked down the paths with the pitter patter of raindrops falling like clouds, and to my house, where i stood outside at the gate for ten minutes before anyone realised i was home- ringing the doorbell evidently doesn’t work. so i was wet, but i was warm, i was happy, and somehow i was glad.

these weeks have been beautiful, and not just because they have been filled with love. so much to do, so much to see, there has been good music good food good friends all around and i could not ask for more. all i need now are good grades, and my life would be complete. so i will work, in these two weeks i am not here i will still work. you know what i think; i think the years i am sixteen, seventeen, eighteen will be the most beautiful for a long time. i am beginning to be happy again, and that’s a cause for joy! being happy is a good thing; i am not entirely hopeless, it seems, i can be saved. the world is rosy now, as it always when you are in love, even if i am accidentally in love. ;) don’t you just love it, now. it could be worse, things could be worse, so since we are here, let us enjoy the moment. maybe not always, perhaps not forever, but now it is. and we will just drift along and be happy and concentrate on the things we love most and take things easy. things will come along the way if we are happy and we are, we are, my dear.

i closed my eyes for a moment and opened them to see the shadow of a butterfly on my wall, cast by my desk light on a wiretwisted butterfly i brought home from detrash last december, something neek made when she was bored. yesterday i saw paul and mark; tonight i will see all the rj people; tomorrow i will see him. my life is complete! and i could not- truly, i could not be happier.

maybe one, maybe two –

so, my darlings, the show begins.

reading through the entries of the past year or so and the memories that well up are amazing. how much of it did i leave behind, i wonder? all this waiting and waiting for something to happen, and in the end it never did. and yet my school life was so fulfilling, so wonderful- those really were the best days of my life, the year i turned sixteen.

the sickly sweet smell of blood. so sweet it’s sick, so sick it’s sweet. a blinding and horrible red, i wrote, awhile ago. it drops to a puddle on the floor and dries up and turns an unsightly and horrible brown. then it just stays there, forever and ever and ever- till someone deigns to clean it up, which may be never. i don’t know, you know. this could be me, from my mother’s blood. blood from your womb, a life lost, though it was never created. but what it could have been, that is the question. am fascinated by this idea of what could have been, from the life-blood of a woman.

am hungry, now. mashed potato and cream crackers with cheese in the middle of the night, then tell me you’re not going to get fat. yeah right. but who cares, it’s okay. it’s all good if i’m happy, nadia says, that’s good enough for me.

in the poets love has its priests, though love is so short and oblivion so long.

and so the days draw to a close and the nights are coming in again.

night time is a wonderful time for anyone who wishes to remember- walking around aimlessly with no end in mind, just walking through the breeze with the trees above you hoping nothing drops from above, through the darkness to the end of the road where the lights are. there is stasis in darkness, where everything drops to a halt, and time stops for a moment. everything is bathed in this unholy light which neither you nor i can control, and still the endless cars go by.

away on the other end of the island while i watch the waves trot by on the rocks i sit on the images keep coming, the messages keep coming. what are you sending? what do i receive? and this goes on and on. how do you say no or yes or i don’t know to someone, anyone you love at all? could you say no? and i’m still confused, really i am. not about the same things, that much i’m sure of- but i’m still confused. i can’t keep up, not the way things are going. and i’m scared it will all just burn out. and maybe i should have mentioned this earlier, but now it’s too late. i’m kind of happy this way, maybe i just like to be loved. everybody does- everybody does. all around me there is blackness and silence and these things don’t go away for a very long time. (and i just shouldn’t think anymore tonight) i don’t know why, these last minute panic attacks. i’m a last minute kind of person. last minute last minute last minute. and i’m abysmally, atrociously lazy- as some people will attest to. today i glued myself to the same spot for three hours just doing nothing at all- i could feel myself atrophying there already. but still i wouldn’t move, maybe cos it felt so nice. on an island, maybe. and i watched the canoeists paddle past. how nice to have someone who cares. and my thoughts don’t make sense anymore, haha.

one more week to oblivion and two whole weeks of missing lots of people. i don’t know what i’d do without anybody nowadays. so many people i need to hold on to, for fear i’d lose them again. this dependency is highly irritating and yet we all do it, we are all guilty. be glad i want to hold on to you, perhaps, that is all i can say. today and yesterday was just plain weird. am still deciding whether to feel traumatised or not, because i live in constant fear of impending violation- it comes from being an only child, everything gets read, so everything gets hidden. hide hide hide and find find find. it’s like a psychological hide and seek. look for your face in the crowd and spot it before you find mine, so i can run away and hide and pretend i wasn’t doing whatever i was doing. and i become comfortably numb.

am so tired, today has been so tiring. but this tiredness is so delicious because it doesn’t stem from having done any work at all. none at all! and i want to hold on to it, because i may never feel like this again. nothing i feel will ever feel like this again, and each time is separate and distinct from the previous. and these things- it’s the little things that matter, always. the wind in your hair and the ache in your arms, the flushed pink of your face and how you’d just get sunburnt, lying on the rocks looking at the sun through the clouds. the brush past of hands and other things and silent smiles across, asking what?, and the answer is always nothing!. the eyes, the skin, the hands, the face. each piece of your love is written on your body, jeannette winterson says, and i wholeheartedly concur.

island by aldous huxley, which i have been eyeing for at least a year, and beneath the wheel by hermann hesse. the periodic table by primo levi, and finally intellectual stimulation after a long while. unpressured intellectual stimulation for 70 bucks. i am so glad block tests are over, i can be with everything i love. (and i sound like i’m one with the universe. ..) books, people, books, people! my goodness, i think i’m in heaven. (: