wah i feel quite cheated. i was looking through my blog archives looking for something and i came across this survey i did this january. it turned out to be exactly the same one as i did this december except the year is different! like the questions are exactly the same! what the hell! and cos i found it while reading some american’s blog i assumed no one in singapore would have seen it (hur) therefore thinking myself all so original i did it and posted here! THEN! i realised that i’ve done it before! eek haha so jacked by myself how retarded is that (:

ok well it’s bloody 4am i think i should go to sleep i gotta wake at 6 hoho.

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huo bu dan xing. so chinesey nowadays eh. i hope everyone out there is fine, i’ve never felt this troubled about somebody else in my life. maybe it was meant to be a lesson for all of us.

and indeed there will be time

for the yellow smoke that slides along the street,

rubbing its back upon the window-panes;

there will be time, there will be time

to prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;

there will be time to murder and create,

and time for all the works and days of hands

that lift and drop a question on your plate;

time for you and time for me,

and time yet for a hundred indecisions,

and for a hundred visions and revisions,

before the taking of a toast and tea.

.

.

.

in a minute there is time

for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

it’s all about the endings with you, isn’t it.

this year has been about endings. some things change and others don’t, and some things we have to start all over again. this year’s been a sad one in both senses of the word. but someone taught me that when it’s time to let go it’s time to let go, and too often we like to turn our past selves – or somebody else’s past selves – into some perfect ideal, and wonder why things have changed so much from what they used to be. wei shen me wo men bu neng xiang yi qian na yang?

i used to know this girl called X. she taught me a whole new meaning of distance. little by little she severed her ties with me till one day i discovered she was gone forever, and my absence wouldn’t hurt her at all. i was upset, but who isn’t? and then i thought about it and perhaps it was the best way out. after that i looked at her through different eyes and X subsequently turned the tables on me.

anyway i’m not so discerning. i’m not a dui zheng xia yao person when it comes to people most of the time, unless i want something out of them, and that speaks volumes about my character which i’m not afraid to admit since, you know, nurul saw through it the first time i tried it on her. (: anyway i think it’s always less painful if you find out later, at least there’s someone to blame huh. and as the neekygang (haha did i just coin a new word) discussed earlier this week- this pushing blame thing is almost always going to happen.

someone’s going to point fingers soon, i can feel it. so – closed, closed, closed. hopefully next year will be better, because you know, what they say with even years and all that. next year i turn 18 with a whole lot of more important things to focus on than somebody’s wellbeing. and, word of advice from oscar wilde: always forgive your enemies, for nothing annoys them more. guilt trip, darling, guilt trip.

you wouldn’t be prepared for the truth even if you tried, dear. heh =p

it’s a family secret

to d.

sometimes i’m terrified by the way you forget about your promises so easily. you could make me so happy, and yet somehow you just fade away when the time comes. i hate to admit this but i miss you loads, and then where are you? sometimes i get the feeling you don’t want to see me anymore. and that it might just be another case of history repeating. remember that song i sent to you in an email years ago? i’d rather you be mean than love and lie. all these episodes that keep playing in my head, and in my head i’m always the same age. the worst part of it all is that i know you will always love me, not because you have to, or out of guilt, but just because you do. at least, i think, i’d like to believe that.

december is ending. you told me i’d see you in december, and you kissed me in my sleep and went away. i heard you. this is the worst kind of pining, longing for someone who lives for you and yet does not come for you.

MM RISSE SO DEEP.

i wasn’t sure whether we should have laughed cos it was kinda funny in its own way but- you know. some things can’t be laughed at all the time. but we did anyway!

um he will remain unknown and no offence to you if you know who you are mm yea i just thought it was funneh (:

– says:

HEY

– says:

HAPPY

the only film i saw, i didn’t like it at all says:

hey

– says:

happy ditching me anniversary?

the only film i saw, i didn’t like it at all says:

?!?!?

– says:

hahaaaaaaa!

the only film i saw, i didn’t like it at all says:

wth =p

– says:

oh nooo you dont remember

the only film i saw, i didn’t like it at all says:

i do

the only film i saw, i didn’t like it at all says:

but it wasnt today what

– says:

yea

– says:

im a bit late

oh and some guy trying to ask me out. i got a call a few hours ago (omg is it 2am already) and my handphone read: zixiang home, and i was freaked. (cos you know i HAVENT REALLY DONE ANYTHING FOR OJ COUGHS) and therefore i was pressured NOT to answer it. i let it happily ring for awhile before i decided i should just pluck up the courage and answer the damn call while silently crossing my fingers hoping i didn’t get a scolding or a reminder to do something i haven’t done >_< anyway it wasn’t. and it wasn’t zixiang-

instead it was this guy we will call X, or He Who Must Not Be Named.

and if ANY of you have the slightest suspicion who it is i advise you to keep it to yourself OR ELSE. ._. -waves threatening hand- hrmf.

turned out it was a untraceable number designed so that the callee is unable to call back to that number because clearly everyone makes phone calls from CAMP where they are FREE and this is evidently where all the poor singaporean taxpayer’s money goes to. (when i grow up i will refuse to pay taxes on the grounds that it provides entertainment for deprived army boys. GAH) anyway i found it kind of dumb because it’s supposed to be untraceable and it comes through caller id?! i will possibly never understand the workings of the defence forces. am so glad i am not male.

anyway the point is that voldemort jr is really rather irritating and quite bothersome and about as ugly. and he can’t take a hint! PLUS, he’s short. (edit: mark protests the discrimination against shorter guys) i don’t have anything against short guys, really (because i know so many anyway =x) but eugh short+irritating is just BAD ok. i don’t care if you’re supersmart and you’re going to oxford in 2006 but EUGH. EUGH!! personality problems, darling.

tuh! so bernie.

mmm chocolate from godiva, two boxes! wuv pwesents fwom indonesia =p mwahhaha.

ohoh nadia when are we going out! and penny if you’re reading this let’s set a date to go shopping before all the work comes in! (: and play pool! we can all go out together! wheee.

ok integration is not fun AT ALL man. my tuition teacher keeps cracking lame jokes and sj is not helping either with his endless gossipgossip to our tuition teacher abt weirdddd stuff. sj is q gossipy as me and wenkai were talking abt on tues. ohhh wuv bitching sessions with old friends haha. twas a night of lots and lots of revelations and crazy swirly things and swings and drinks. oh and minties thrown by wenkai into random people’s crotches which was quite funny till i got hit at 7am in the morning. blehh

ohoh bridge with conan pwns! pwnspwns! coscos whoever partners him wins =p and maybe cos shuki is sad and cant recognise who the hell her partner is hohoho (: wuv the conana =p

okok shall stop talking in w’s, am turning into mark -cringe- am off to UNPEEL MY GODIVA (hohoh ariel)

don’t ask hypothetical questions, because you might not get answers. what if…? it’s always a what-if that screws things up these days. we’d never get anywhere if we kept on asking questions.

the keyword is: i can’t. i can’t, i can’t, i can’t. you know you can – you just can’t.

yeah, something like that (:

neek’s house was good, and fac night wasn’t too bad. i guess (: am quite tired now and shall run off to do my tuition hw before i die tmr – uber lackofsleep these few days which is one of the reasons why i don’t really like parties you just never ever go to sleep. it wouldn’t be worth going for if not for the company. ohyeahbaby. (:

it’s uber survey spam time! 2004 in 40 questions! am going to sleep now.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you’d never done before?

let me think. i’m not sure, actually, this year has been pretty routine. i think i put alot more conscious and constant effort into work this year than in my entire life

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?



probably not because i don’t even remember what my new year resolution was, though if i check up my archives i can probably find it or something. i kept my xmas resolutions though (except for the 50kg one, which i regard as a lost cause anyway) so i feel pretty good about that!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

yeah! my cousin renee, whose baby emily is the cutest thing ever. also, my cousin-in-law cynthia is due soon. wheee

4. Did anyone close to you die?

no not really. that’s a good thing i guess. just as a sidenote i think that if i filled this in when i was maybe like 13 or 14 i’d pretend to be a smartass and write that yeah some part of me died or some shit =p yea. always interesting to note!

5. What countries did you visit?

oh, uh. mongolia and japan. =D

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?



a driving licence, just for fun. am going to take full advantage of being 18 and get one before i get out of jc, because my mum says i have better things to do than spend my 7 month holiday after the a’s learning how to drive. oh, and of course, good results? (:

7. What date(s) from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

the 3rd of march, and 18th of october. one was an anniversary, the other a concert (:

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?



i can’t say i did anything particularly achievement-worthy this year. but i learnt alot of things this year, and i’d like to think i grew up abit. perhaps that’s an achievement!

9. What was your biggest failure?

not changing things till they were too late? waiting for things to happen. being passive. that and more. (:

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?

no, not this year. not serious anyway. and i only fell sick after promos, which is good.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

this year? possibly a pilot hitecpoint v5 pen. about 20 of them. they’ve seen me through this year! (actually, i don’t know, really)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

um, i have no idea. neek, perhaps, for extreme resilience. or nurul, for turning her own tide. (:

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

i think he knows who he is, but that’s all over now. (:

14. Where did most of your money go?

books, probably. and pens. and food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

i have no idea. the trips i guess (: but this year in jc was kind of exciting in a way

16. What song/s will always remind you of 2004?

oh dear. i have no idea. i usually remember songs by the year i downloaded them, and ever since kazaa died on me i haven’t been downloading much this year at all. maybe house of jazz (by ac/dc) and beautiful child (by fleetwood mac), only because i’ve been looping them like crazy this month.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?
oh, much happier. but that’s a recent phenomenon.

ii. thinner or fatter? i think fatter >_< post o-level i lost 3kg or something.

iii. richer or poorer? haha. probably poorer, cos i didn’t buy much last year.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?



i wish i’d worked harder (but that’s what i always say), and talked more to friends i’ve lost touch with over this year. i miss my sec4 class, as well as everyone i was close to in sec4. like mark! and wenkai, and andi. miss andi like crazy.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

wasting time (:

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

i don’t know, really. i always have things to do on christmas eve, but never on christmas. morning will be spent in church, probably, i don’t know about the afternoon/night.

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?

i’d like to think i did, but possibly not. but maybe i’ve learnt to let go.

23. How many one-night stands?

none, none. (:

24. What was your favourite TV program?

water boys? completely in japanese, somemore!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

haha, no probably not. it takes too much effort, though i just tend to avoid anyone i don’t feel like seeing.

26. What was the best book you read?

this year, eh. i think it must be the passion by jeanette winterson. last year it was just above my head, by james baldwin. am still not over him yet, though. he’s good!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

FLEETWOOD MAC!

28. What did you want and get?

closure.

29. What did you want and not get?

good results? haha. everyone wants those, though. it’s kind of a given.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

oh, 2046. (: even though it was horribly painful and all that jazz.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?



honestly, i don’t remember AT ALL. probably in school. i remember it was a wednesday or sth like that. a few days before that i got high on alcohol on a swing somewhere in a park near my best friend’s house watching some guy take off his pants and climb up a lamppost, is all i remember.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

oh. an untroubled mind?! ahahahah

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?

i think i wore more skirts this year than in my whole life, only because i grew out of some of my pants and the rest were all winter clothing, and singapore’s weather has been disgustingly hot. and am not really into the berms stage anymore.

34. What kept you sane?

this sounds insane, but history notes (: always helps to take your mind off things.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

johnny depp probably. i was never into brad pitt till i watched troy, so maybe hmm.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

elections? probably. and thio su mien irritates the hell out of me.

37. Who did you miss?

one n, one d, and two js. go figure.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

haha too many, too many.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:

get over it =p

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts

hot ashes for trees

hot air for a cool breeze

cold comfort for change

did you exchange a walk on

part in the war for a lead role in a cage

running over the same old ground

what have we found

the same old fears

/pink floyd

160

i think i’m going to be changing my layout soon, this is getting boring. sigh. does anyone want to volunteer to make me a new layout! haha i suppose not. -_-

anyway am going to go for rui’s bday dinner soon. am feeling abit shitty cos i just passed up a great opportunity to be nice to certain individuals and- i didn’t. shall have to drag myself out of the house soon, and then hopefully i can get to the airport by 10 to send ayumi off but if not, it’s okay cos i can see her again next april. have promised her i will bring her to school, and introduce her to nurul because she wants to know more JAs. haha (: yes. global networking eh

ok here are the movies on the chopping board:
roman holiday
casablanca
the sound of music
chicago
yamakasi
some spanish movie joel is bringing if he actually comes
– and gone with the wind, which no one can find

neek is coming on monday so happyhappy days! btw i think i shall start making lists of various things soon just cos i have nth better to do and integration doesn’t look too appealing at the moment. yeah something like that

my mum just bought chweekueh from tiong bahru and o m g it ROCKS. !!! hahaha! yes it does! arghhh loooove chweekueh from there cos it just tastes so different and i haven’t been able to find good chweekueh since the chompchomp one closed down. ._. also, have to go with stitch on a quest for duck noodles, which he owes me (still), among trying to set up his horrizible party because his parents are in nz along with his sister. mum has promised me we will go eat claypot rice in geylang soon as well as beef horfun and doujiangyoutiao so hooray! love geylang. and sliced fish beehoon! hahaha i love local food (: i used to hate it when i was a kid cos all kids seem to like the fish&chips type of food -coughswordfishcollarcough- but nooo i have converted! ahaha!

drinking ginger beer and mulling over some things. well there’s only one thing left to do now

i think i may finally have gotten over this blog thing. (yesyes louie don’t say anything) or maybe it’s cos it’s just too much trouble nowadays to write even though my life has been quite interesting! or maybe it’s just cos you know i actually have something to do that i can’t be bothered to while my life away on this thing anymore. or sth like that la. or maybe i just happen to know that quite a load of irritating people read my blog and you know, it’s just in my nature to irritate them back by not giving them anything to irritate me with cos they’re just so irritating that way and i love irritating irritating people. awwww yeah. ph34r m3. ..

in any case it’s been awhile and this week has been rather good! though the attempt to watch alexander failed MISERABLY and thus if you are over18 and quite willing to buy tickets for me and my friend please volunteer yourself! heehee.

anyway, next week is PACKED. am meeting ayumi tonight, and tmr i’m going to sentosa to watch jinwei play frisbee with char and rui, and then sunday am going for post-con with brendan at church. then on monday movie marathon is on (bern pls bring casablanca and someone pls remind sam whose internet access is unfortunately down), and then there’s neek’s party on tuesday! and then fac night on wednesday! and then- oh thursday is free. HAHAH. yeaahhh. then it’s christmas and all the parties that come with christmassy themes! actually just one la. and it’s not really a party but i suppose i will find SOMETHING to do. like math. haha.

went to church yesterday, just popped in cos i felt like going. hooray was feeling rather good after that. oh yeahhh. and yishun really isn’t as far as i thought. haha. vaguely remember traipsing northpoint with joel last year after o’s! aha! and then history repeats! how weirdddd. ziyao was nice though he forgot that he was gonna treat us to lunch. whoops.

ANYWAY! FAC NIGHT, 22nd december

meet at 6pm at toa payoh mrt control (yes rui he changed the time)

please come if you have nothing better to do and anyway you already paid for it

*

oh and on another note, i just wanna say that some people are just damn bastardy. actually just ONE person. i think you know who you are cos you’re just .. what the hell that way. i haven’t talked to you in AGES and only now (yes blame me cos i’m slow eh) do i realise how much of a shit you are! and to think i trusted you and all that. anyway i changed my password and if you wanna try and hack again you’re welcome to do so. if i see your email in my personal data one more time i’m gonna report you, you no-integrity fuck.

right. so much for christmas spirit. but i’m not taking it back. urgh. hate people who betray trust.

SHOPPING! always the greatest cure to any downturn in your life! so says the Great Mother, who is in a terrific mood today! therefore SHOPPING has been so fruitful! shall not say what i bought for fear people will LYNCH me! i do not want to die so soon! oh no i am so materialistic but SHOPPING! i am so simple to satisfy (:

alexander & judith’s farewell on wednesday! oh looooooooove life -beams-

(edit): part of a lovely poem, by adrienne rich. this is for you.

8.

i can see myself years back at sunion,

hurting with an inflated foot, philoctetes

in woman’s form, limping the long path,

lying on a headland over the dark sea,

looking down the red rocks to where a soundless curl

of white told me a wave had struck,

imagining the pull of that water from that height,

knowing deliberate suicide wasn’t my tier,

yet all the time nursing, measuring that wound.

well, that’s finished. the woman who cherished

her suffering is dead. i am her descendant.

i love the scar-tissue she handed on to me,

but i want to go on from here with you

fighting the temptation to make a career of pain.

i’ve bought my xmas cards already. now i just have to write them

camp was good except now am dead tired. have loads of other shit to do. am waiting for certain things to happen cos i’m a horribly lazy person. keith is a nice bro who lugs two bottles of coke home after i asked him to buy it (: i love beef pies!

have been eating too much. spamming fish&co with stitch and meesoto during camp is just bad. watching alexander on wed with hongyi and stitch. trying to get into m18 movies is tiring and retarded but it’s not like i have anything better to do. been having lots of inane conversations with people lately. neek is coming back tonight so hooray for neek! and my jammies. have bought marks and spencer teacakes which now have strawberry jam filling in them. yum. stitch’d call me risse the round and it’s true as my xmas resolution to go under 50kg is blown to hell (: hurhur.

twenty-one love poems by adrienne rich is nice! some lovely lines.

have been taking pictures recently. watched look at me with yanj on wed and took pics with xmas lights. walked abt emerald hill before that trying to waste time before yanj came and took more! whee shall post soon. ohoh! and love shikai. socute. (:

these three days have been awkward.

someday we’re all going to realise that running away is not the answer and nothing good ever comes out of not talking. i thought i was special but it turns out it’s all the same. so much for childhood illusions, and then you realise that what other people face isn’t so different from yours. amazing, innit? i love the way the world works. someday i’m going to realise the magnitude of what i’ve done to people and realise how much finality is required to actually pull it off. i empathise so much with my cousin it hurts. someday i’m going to realise that it’s not as easy as saying goodbye.

anyway, life’s been ok i guess. this weekend’s been relatively good, so i’m happy. friday and saturday was full of donation drive type things, and sunday was spent at home nursing a stomach upset and then i popped over to joel’s house with some other people to watch evolution and generally wreck his house. got home about 12, so that was quite late i guess. monday rocked cos my mum and i went shopping, bought two new shirts (on the excuse that we could share) and a new bag – had sushi tei for lunch at 230 and ate till 4 and we just died eating and talking about various things including the state of my love life which is really kind of weird to be talking to your mother about and quite non-existent anyway. bumped into pak and xuan, talked abit and then walked around somemore till mark arrived. which he did after being 45 minutes late. turned out his slippers broke so he had to hobble about with a scotch-taped slipper for an hour coming from school before he decided to just grab the first nice pair he saw, which was at heeren – we went all over the annex to look for havaianas and gave up cos he said they all looked fugly and then he saw the cashier leering at him and the rainbow bear and he went O_Oed and ran away (: i think he has too much money! also, his new slippers rock! actually so does he, because he treated me to part of my dinner and let me wear his new slippers (oh yes he’s that small) and he sportingly wore my slippers (which he can actually fit into). i think he was actually having fun – he got so amazed by the sound my slippers made while he was walking down the stairs that he just stomped about a few times just to hear the sound -_- ahh haha love mark! so yea we took nel and stopped off at the same stop so my mum gave him a lift home. arghhh his house owns. i love people’s houses with 42-inch plasma tvs urghhh so jealous. -peers at joel-

ah well had camp today and more tomorrow. this is getting vaguely fun. (: so much to fill my life with now! yayy haha feel so – uh – full. chong1 shi2?! oh forget it my english is failing me too -_-

150

are you looking for a lover, or a friend?
are you looking for a lover, or a sign?
are you looking for a lover, or is it really worth the bother?
is it really worth the bother to be mine –

so, i don’t have much to say but this week has been good. it’s surprising because i haven’t done anything notable in particular, unless you count going away, which i think has been a good thing – to get away. i realised after a break your mind thinks alot clearer. it’s a good thing also because after a break you realise alot of things that you never saw before, and it’s all good because you know how to handle it and face it head on. it’s funny how sometimes people tie themselves up in knots over things that don’t really seem to matter. like how in the hours virginia woolf lets mrs dalloway kill herself over something that doesn’t seem to matter. then the water comes from under the bed and drowns you in it. ahh shall stop talking about the movie – it makes me cry everytime, hur. -_- but yes. breaks are good. they clear your mind.

i’m beginning to realise alot of things are done out of your own making. and that alot of problems are self-created. so all you need to do is see that, and break through it. things actually aren’t as complicated as you think they are – it’s just that there are so many considerations to take into account. anyway four days alone – actually more than that – i’ve come to realise that i can do things myself. that i need less people than i think, and that somehow always i am stronger on my own. it’s a strange dependency to have on people and you always end up convincing yourself every few months that what you’re saying is true. i suppose everyone needs a reality check sometime (: god knows you can be a hermit and like it, i suppose.

anyway in these weeks i’ve gotten alot of things out of my way. things that i’ve been meaning to do since forever have finally gotten done, including cleaning my room (aha), filing my notes (and reading them ahah) as well as writing letters to various people. in the process i’ve cleared my head alot – i realised that sometimes replies aren’t necessary, and that sometimes just the act of writing a letter is cathartic enough. i believe that you have to actually send it though – or else your catharsis has no real outlet because, well, what you want to say doesn’t actually get said. so anyway yes. letters are good things, among other things.

somehow i’ve been spending alot of time with my mother lately. i guess that’s a good thing – until she asked me how come i don’t go out with my friends anymore. the strange thing is that i don’t really mind, somehow, going out with her and ditching my friends instead. and surprisingly afua has helped me get some of my life back. i was quite prepared to go the whole holiday without any real human contact but i suppose meeting people is still okay (: i’ve missed jw and bern, and i didn’t even know that till today. ah well – it’s all good.

i’m happily cheerful now somehow, because really alot of things have gotten off my chest. i’m so happy it’s all gone now, and that i don’t have to care – did you know i actually woke up one day and realised that i didn’t care anymore? haha i just realised how good a feeling that was. it’s amazing. really it is. i can’t help but think this was all an arrangement of someone with higher powers (:

quiet highs! =D oh yes, they’ve come back now. and somehow – it’s okay if you’re not here to share them anymore. and everything, everything just tastes okay. i hope you’re happy too. (: