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haha it’s february! time passes so fast sigh.

ohwell it’s been ok i suppose! sunday was great even though i had mild fainting spells in the morning (been happening quite often these days) because there was a foodtasting session at sichuandouhua for my cousin’s wedding and the food was sooo good. i just like ate all the herbal chicken cos it was so soft and tender and ahhh. haha. and my cousin-in-law’s cousin (which makes him my distant cousin?!) was also from hc, one year older than i am. so he’s in army now. it was nice talking to them cos we’re from hc and all that and we were talking about going to chinatown and discovered that we all go to the same dessert shop at temple street where the dumplings are super nice! hhaha is amazing.

don’t really feel like celebrating new year this year though. i think it’s because most of the prep hasn’t been done yet cos my mum’s so busy shuttling back and forth to and fro the hospital, and i just come and go out of the house cos there’s no one at home anyway. so it’s quite empty. good news is my grandma’s being discharged next week before cny, and even though she can’t cook it’ll still be happy. and i just discovered what a horrible mistake i made when i signed up for that politics forum we were all going to because my cousin’s wedding is on the 26th and i’m doing the first reading for her wedding mass! arggghhhh. but really want to go for forum! howhowhow. argh decisions decisions.

school was ok i suppose- actually felt quite awake. am going out with mum tmr to go shopping for cny stuff and hopefully clothes and all. haven’t bought anything yet. checked econs marks today and didn’t do too badly so i’m not too unhappy about that. have been managing average marks for econs the whole of last year except for the first two tests in j1 where i got 46/50 and 40/50 which i convinced myself was a fluke and really turned out to be haha. keith topped econs (ok along with like, 7 other people but his name was first so yeah) which he was amazed at and so was i but it’s ok it’s a happy thing!

i think it’s an amazing development to be j2. so many things change! and it’s all quite new and unfamiliar. like zh says it’s the last year you’ll ever wear a uniform. which is true even though it’s a sack of a uniform. i miss my rgs uniform so much cos it was so comfortable to wear and sit in. but then again like all things this too must pass.

vday is coming! shall get flowers or something. now that i’m not under any obligations i can give flowers to anyone i want. then again it’s not like i ever cared about the fact that giving flowers to anyone i wanted might hurt somebody else. i think i just assumed maturity was in the package. it’s true what they say about being alone and envious when you see all these couples about but most of the time it’s quite happy being this way. once in awhile it gets thrust in your face then you just feel horrible. you notice how i don’t bother to couch this in nice words anymore. last year i wrote a terribly lyrical analysis on valentine’s day but this year i’m all plebewords. talking about love, queen’s crazylittlethingcalledlove is a lovely song. and have been spamming scorpions the whole weekend. scorpions live is fantastic.

btw i’ve discovered that tomyam and vitasoy is possibly quite a lethal combination. everytime i eat that (which is everyday) i feel like puking. it feels horrible but i love bothh of them so i just eat it anyway. and i eat it so often the auntie knows me by name and speaks to me in cantonese. that day i ate that for lunch and went running after seow’s lessons and then i just died after walking back to class cos while i was walking to the toilet my vision started whitening and my ears started ringing so i couldn’t see or hear anything. managed to stumble my way to the toilet and then sit down, and after i puked everything out i felt lots better. i think these fainting spells are weird (shh gabriel) but! the things i do for food sigh.

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we all know what there is left to say. i haven’t felt so high in a long long while, and the last time was probably in the same kind of situation. (i love you both.) gotta love that guitar. and that smile.

i think sooner or later i’m going to stop writing here. on a whim i flipped back to august/september entries last year and realised that my writing, even in such a prosaic medium, is completely off the mark. i feel like i’m wastign my mentorship because it’s just so hard to write nowadays, and i just feel that everything i write nowadays is so forced, i don’t write on inspiration anymore. those days seem to be quite over. call it pure vanity that i don’t want to write anymore because my writing is bad but i guess all i want to do is just not write publicly. i can’t even bear to look at these entries now, they’re horrendous.

am supposed to submit emerald hill poem by feb1 – have no idea what to write. am really quite a feeling person when it comes to writing any kind of thing (unlike some others who write politically, and those are the ones i really admire because they actually use their writing for something constructive) and no i cannot dig up anything there. i suppose when in doubt always talk about the architecture. have just realised how near february is and how quickly time passes.

jx is coming back from france! (:

gold teeth and a curse for this town

were all in my mouth,

only i don’t know how

they got out, dear

turn me back into the pet

i was when we met,

i was happier then with no mind set

and if you took to me like a gull takes to the wind,

well i’da jumped from my trees and,

i’da danced like the king of the eyesores

and the rest of our lives would a’ fare well.

new slang when you notice the stripes

the dirt in your fries

hope it’s right when you die, old and bony

dawn breaks like a bull through the hall

never should’ve called

but my head’s to the wall and i’m lonely

and if you took to me like a gull takes to the wind,

well i’da jumped from my trees and,

i’da danced like the king of the eyesores

and the rest of our lives would’ve fared well

God speed all the bakers at dawn, may they all cut their thumbs,

and bleed into their buns ’till they melt away

i’m looking in on the good life i might be doomed never to find

without a trust, or flaming fields – am i too dumb to refine?

and if you took to me like a-

i’da danced like the queen of the eyesores

and the rest of our lives would’ve fared well

the shins/new slang

i had a dream last night about getting shot in the back.

more often than not these days i dream about getting chased, and it’s always the same faceless people though i know somehow who they are. they’re always dressed in suits and it’s some kind of agent smith costume, and i always dodge the bullets right up to the point where i end up having to run right in front of them. i turn my back because i don’t want to get shot in the front, and what i feel is a sickening dull ache and the impact of a bullet. and then my back is riddled with bullets. i discover that if i walk with my back straight it doesn’t hurt so much, and in this way i walk down the stairs to the subway where miraculously i can take a train back to singapore. it goes all across china and down to vietnam, then thailand and malaysia and home. i discover that i have a ticket for this train but there’s too much blood. the only thing i can do is to stand still. i try asking a caucasian woman to help me get some tissue but she refuses though i beg her several times and am in obviously hurt condition. i turn to her boyfriend and ask if she is his girlfriend. he replies yes, but not for long. then he runs off to get me tissue. the train arrives but he isn’t back yet. he comes back with flowers instead. he asks me to get on the train and his girlfriend goes before me. she sits down on the last seat so i have to stand up. i’ve figured that if i don’t think about it it doesn’t hurt. this is where i meet n, who comes up the train with her mother. she asks about my back as if it were a scraped knee. i am aware that the blood hasn’t stopped. i ask around for a shirt to change into because my shirt is soaked in blood, and no one volunteers. then he takes off his shirt and wipes the blood off. it seems inconceivable that i stood all the way to singapore, but i kept myself alive with conversation. things don’t hurt if you don’t think about them.

this dream was terribly real. today i walked around with my back straight feeling like i had bullets in my back. even now i still feel it, it’s quite surreal. it’s 3am. there’s a reason why i don’t want to sleep. i tried just now and i saw a gun.

this song reminds me again why they are one of my favourite bands. (: and why other than the guitar, the sax is a wonderful instrument

well this is my back yard – my back gate

i hate to start my parties late

here’s the party cart – ain’t that great?

that ain’t the best part baby – just wait

that a genuine weathervane – it moves with the breeze

portable hammock baby – who needs trees

it’s casual entertaining – we aim to please

at my parties

check out the shingles – it’s brand new

excuse me while i mingle – hi, how are you

hey everybody – let me give you a toast

this one’s for me – the host with the most

it’s getting a trifle colder – step inside my home

that’s a brass toilet tissue holder with its own telephone

that’s a musical doorbell – it don’t ring, i ain’t kiddin’

it plays america the beautiful and tie a yellow ribbon

boy, this punch is a trip – it’s okay in my book

here, take a sip – maybe a little heavy on the fruit

ah, here comes the dip – you may kiss the cook

let me show you honey – it’s easy – look

you take a fork and spike ’em – say, did you try these?

so glad you like ’em – the secret’s in the cheese

it’s casual entertaining – we aim to please

at my parties

now don’t talk to me about the polar bear

don’t talk to me about the ozone layer

ain’t much of anything these days, even the air

they’re running out of rhinos – what do i care?

let’s hear it for the dolphin – let’s hear it for the trees

ain’t running out of nothing in my deep freeze

it’s casual entertaining – we aim to please

at my parties

direstraits/myparties

when i think of parsley in a dead man’s helmet i think of the dead man. i imagine that his blood wil still be there. perhaps there might be traces of hair, wound between the leaves. in the winter under the frost all of it looks the same anyway. perhaps the taste of your parsley is the taste of a dead man. you’d give me the whole tomato and blood routine but that’s too easy. love is never as clean cut or finely chopped. it is always messy, and even after death you can still taste the remnants of its life, as though like a stain, it stays on us all.

while halfway dying through drq, i came across about the only intellectual thing i’ve ever heard this guy say since my old friend used to have a crush on him back when he was still in secondary school-

we’re nothing to each other but cigarettes held for too long.

this has got to be the longest essay i’ve written in awhile. and i’ve finally finished it (on time, no less) awww yeah. drq to tackle still –

whee! am happy. i love it when people write abt me! just like nurul! heehee. had litwing outing yesterday and had writing assignment. here’s d’s poem for me. lovelylovely d (: hope you don’t mind that i posted it! lovely refs to yawp and various trips round the world. only it was fukuoka not tokyo but is ok. yayy love d!

the collected dreams of streetlights

I remember you backstage, intent, thinking

of dying. Muffling

a scream.

You are the love of photographs.

You on a seesaw. Up, breathing the city.

Down, frowning into a notebook, the collected dreams

of streetlights and darkness.You once fell

in love with emerald hill by night. The love

of emerald hill is the love

of a city’s ankle – slim, naked

dangerous, slipping away

unnoticed as a dusk.

You folding up childhoods, closing

your lips, a guarded purse

and travelling with bag filled with the sea.Travelogue

from Spain to Tokyo, Tokyo

to Mongolia. In transit by a window

where the air freezes smiles,

you open a suitcase of letters, smell

the humidity of afterrain.

I pass you polite

as a stranger. You pass me, polite

as a stranger. I only know you because

whispers have a way of making themselves heard

undeliberately, like breeze. I know you like

the moon in my room, appearing, dis

appearing, appearing in the doorway

disrupting

my breathing, half shadow, half

light. Each departure

is an arrival at the shape of herself.

johnny take a walk with your sister the moon

let her pale light in to fill up your room

you’ve been living underground

eating from a can

you’ve been running away

from you don’t understand

love-

she’s slippy

you’re sliding down

she’ll be there when you hit the ground

it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright

she moves in mysterious ways

/u2&massiveattack

i love people who love music! haha these few days keep being spammed with stuff i’ve never even heard of before all those weirdo indie bands and old stuff like pearljam and fleetwood mac and that version of scorpions and berlin philharmonic of rock you like a hurricane i’ve been looking for for AGES heehee! wenkai is actually quite a reliable source of music hrmm as is mark though he keeps sending classical music once in awhile. urgh band people –

anyway math calls cos that’s the way it is yea.

anyway i’ve just discovered what the hell my password got changed to the last time i asked someone to change it for me. i don’t know whether to laugh or cry but in any case yeah whatever i should kill you soon. mm yeah just saw nadia’s nick hackers should be burnt and roastedd. nyeh :(

you know what this means. it’s 7.30, and i don’t have to say anymore. i hate to see the numbers changing all the time but this

is how

it goes –

pilots and planes and all those things that make us fly and they all go down down into the sea where we can’t see them anymore and the fishes have got them this time round i thought all this only happened in fairytales when i was just a kid tell me how was i to cope with seeing real planes on real tv getting shot down by real bullets and me seeing real people and i felt all those real tears running down my head like it was so so real and they talk about moderate patriotism like i can do my part staying at home in this little place doing what i can for those who can’t and my hands are tied because they’re selling human flesh in a grocery store flying off the shelves my dear boy my darling boy where have you gone in this great war have you gone to fill the vacuums they created for us where the clouds have disappeared and you disappear in one where the bombs get you and as popular war advances peace is closer

i bought six sunflowers at Sunday’s farmers market the one near Selma and Vine i took them all home put them into a big green vase and they were pretty i was proud they were mine they brought fire into my house for six or so days soon they were droopy i thought, hmm, time pays but one just kept on burning like she was looking me in the eye saying fuck you bitch i’m gonna live without the soil, the sun, the sky even though i have no roots and i’m dismembered and on display i will burn you’ll drink me like blood til consumption is passé i will burn for all my sisters and for my brothers too and all the flowers long forgotten yeah i will burn for you i just looked into her face seeing her triumph her struggle and our race and i saw my comfort then and the numbness and self pity it brings like that’s some kind of excuse like i can cut myself off another self indulgent illusion to hide my violence to hide our violence well we all cut this flower down be she in yourself in a field in a sweatshop or in a small zapatista town yeah we all when will war be over when will war be over when will war be another cliché just like peace is packaged today oh when will war be over

arghh i’ve been looking at this thing for 2 hours and i still don’t know how to start or what to write. i suspect once you start it’d be easy from there but the first step is always the hardest! and i suspect i’d only start feeling panicky at like about 10pm tonight and therefore plough my way through trying to squeeze out 5000 words of RUBBISH from my brain so that i can print it out and hand my essay up on time. it’s irritating how i can only work last minute when there’s just so much pressure to finish and it’s write or die. URGH.

and im going crazy from this damn fever and sore throat rubbish that’s been plaguing me all because of JUNYONG who happily drank from that cursed bottle of sprite and letting everyone else drink it too bah sometimes there are advantages to being salivaphobic. felt terrible during campfire that night cos id runrunrun and then feel like puking. but i was so high that night so i just kinda bore with it. made a terrible mistake wearing a tanktop cos the weather was cold and i got screwed by my mum when i got home cos i had a terrible cold on top of everything else. pffft i hate being sick. slept my whole saturday away cos the medicine was just going crazy on me and that’s not a good thing when you have an essay due on monday gah.

anyway juniors are quite nice i think. shall go hunt for goodtasting sorethroaty food now! am going crazy cos there’s all that chocolate and yoghurt and spicystuff that’s just SITTING there and i can’t eat it. sigh. ohwell bye

rock on, gold dust woman

take your silver spoon

and dig your grave

heartless challenge

pick your path and i’ll pray

wake up in the morning

see your sunrise loves to go down

lousy lovers, pick their prey

but never cry out loud

did she make you cry

make you break down

shatter your illusions of love

is it over now, do you know how

to pick up the pieces and go home

rock on, ancient woman

follow those who pale

in your shadow

rulers make bad lovers

you better put your kingdom up for sale

did she make you cry

make you break down

shatter your illusions of love

is it over now, do you know how

to pick up the pieces and go home

(fleetwood mac)

IT IS TOO COLD.

anyway about this earthquake thing. (this is going to sound terribly flippant) 8.9 on richter scale is really quite bad. i never thought that whatever i did as an irs project in p5 could actually contain applicable knowledge. like the tsunami warning system. and the fact that i knew the last dangerousdangerous tsunami was in 1964 at prince william sound in alaska. and how hawaii is used to seeing 30m tall waves and here we’re making such a big fuss about 10 (that’s what someone told me btw, i quote directly) – and seismic waves and wavelengths and how you can be on a boat out at sea and feel nothing and see a 30m wave rise up on the shore 10km away. eugh it was quite horrible. my product for irs was to simulate a tsunami. heh.

i can’t help but think that there wouldn’t be this much aid pouring in if caucasians weren’t involved. i’ve never actually seen a european country openly pledge money to help an earthquake-stricken area if it doesn’t concern them. of course i almost definitely might be wrong because i don’t watch the news much anyway. but yeah. horrific scenes have been replaying on cnn the whole week. 130 thousand people is quite a horrific number indeed. until you remember that the earthquakes in turkey killed 800 thousand people and there wasn’t much coverage on cnn i remember. mostly things like how many people died after the whole thing, oh we feel your pain and we are sympathetic please donate. a once-off thing, maybe two or three days. i’m quite willing to bet there wouldn’t have been this much hoo-ha if it was just aceh & sri lanka. the fact that phuket was involved brought the caucasians in, so sometimes you wonder if it’s a blessing in disguise (god i sound horrible) because more money started pouring in cos of that.

what a terrible thought. school is starting tomorrow. i hope it’s not as cold as this week, or i might start looking like a polar bear and hibernate in class to save energy -_-

170

the obligatory sumup.

meeting great new people, having great friends, talking lots more, going to the airport lots to send people off, having people send me off, summer and autumn in japan, conferences, exchanges, rain, summer in mongolia, coldcold weather, lots of food, too much food, coming to school way later than usual, skipping school regularly, being troubled over various people, getting over it, writing letters, not writing anything else, frantic notes, too much filing, too little work, old friendships, some heartbreak, happy fathers, sad christmases and new years, hospitals, too much msn, shopping shopping, too much vodka, sleeping, pajamas, way more tv than ever, going to people’s houses, icecream at venezia, gossip at kap, YAWP!, supper in weird places, beach, old movies.

aww yeah. been quite a bad year, but it’s over. and for once i did the things i wanted to do, so i’m quite ok with myself (: