i can’t tell you what it is, but this felt painful. i’ve looked at love from both sides now, from give and take, and still somehow, it’s love’s illusions i recall, i don’t really know love at all. i wish i’d learnt that sooner, though i’d had someone tell it to me years ago, repeatedly. i’m staying down here blogging because sleeping with my mum is scarier than you think. she makes me face the fears i don’t know i have, the ones that are lying right down there. last night i wanted to sleep and she didn’t allow me to, she said, i want to talk to you, and she stripped everything away. it’s true what they say when they say your parents know you best, they can read you like a book. i’m in pain, and she knows it, and i’m scared. xq says:

i will tell you, because love is irrational, it dies for no reason. one day you will wake up where the night has left you stripped of all your feelings for the one you loved.. you will never know why, because love is unjustified. all lovers are fools, you and me included.

jts wasn’t too bad. the food was good, the place was nice, the company bearable. i think n is rather nice to talk to, and ym too. wish a and g came, they’d have been funny. ate lots this weekend, with nydc on friday for i’s birthday and fish&co yesterday with hy and m, and sketches today followed by scones at starbucks at 10 at night, i know, i’m a hungry ghost, anyone who says i’m anorexic because i frequently experience bouts of nausea, this should prove you wrong. as i said before i don’t have the willpower not to eat, is too tempting. though it saves a heckload of money, heh. also bought new shoes at queensway today to replace my old ones. finally got something other than white/blue because that’s what i’ve been wearing my whole life, and everything needs to change sometime, you can’t always keep looking back at the past i think. one of those lessons on life that your parents teach you- my mum certainly told me that, over and over again. she told me that last night in bed.

the two saddest words in the dictionary are if only,
and it’s for those who know it’s unforgivable to make the same mistake twice.
o level results in less than 12 hours, all the best. i hope you don’t get any if onlys.

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i came upon a child of god, he was walking along the road and i asked him, where are you going? and this he told me, i’m going on down to yasgur’s farm, i’m going to join a rock and roll band, i’m going to camp out on the land, i’m going to try and get my soul free. we are stardust, we are golden- and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden

then can i walk beside you? i have come here to lose the smog, and i feel like a cog in something turning. well maybe it’s just the time of year, or maybe it’s the time of man. i don’t know who i am. but you know, life is for learning- we are stardust, we are golden, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden

by the time we got to woodstock we were half a million strong, and everywhere there was song and celebration. i dreamed i saw the bombers riding shotgun in the sky and they were turning into butterflies above our nation. we are stardust, billion year old carbon. we are golden, caught in the devil’s bargain. and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden

/joni mitchell, woodstock

i promised b that i’d do a feature on j soon after he sent me some very incriminating photos (notice i suddenly have alot of time though i’m trying to pia my histsem rubbish out currently- actually it’s halfdone so chit/chengyi/nad don’t kill me yesyes it’s on the way) but before that it’s time to take another trip down memory lane, and this one goes back quite far. back when, you know, digital photos were still kindof NEW. ._.

WE LOVE 412
just to show you how gay we were (in all senses of the word) and how much we loved it all. don’t think we could ever find a better class than this to end off our secsch life- omg haha talk about the class video and really those were the best days of our lives

so we begin in sec3 where we all first got together- just to fulfil the Bad Hair Quota for this entry i have to bring you lijun’s First Experimental Foray into Cutting Edge Hairstyling

coupled with kitfei (who decided before any of us to grow her hair long so she saved herself all the embarassment of being photographed with short hair THOUGH i suspect nurul still has that photo she took with kif at histdrama where, in her acs uniform, she looked like a TRANS)

and then there was the floorball tournament nearing the end of the year after all the exams were over and enter nadia and i before the current stage of our lives (really Rather Horrifying, i must say)

eh she said she’s gonna kill me if i post up pics of her la but i think i look equally bad here so we’re quits. ahh yes.

enter all the horrifying pictures of us with short hair

just before phototaking with all our ties and everything- we went into the toilet to preen (though as you can see there Wasn’t Much That Could Be Saved) and as you notice in all cases no matter how chio you look in the end the class photo in the yearbook transforms you into shit anyway. so we all feel abit better la, huh.

contrast how horrible we all looked in sec4 to the end of j1 during teacher’s day (where we were clearly trying to Avoid Studying For Promos)

notice vast improvement in lijun nad char’s hair indeed indeed. i suspect char’d kill me if i dug up the oldold sec1 photos of her therefore i shall remain quiet on this subject (though those who have known her long enough will remember how, in the days before bernie’s scotchbrite hair, there was charlene and The Immovable Hair)

also note vague pretensions to homosexuality

where ying and cally gamely posed for photographs (though we tended to do these things rather often) and my much-missed gay partner andiiiii

we had coordinated class jerseys but you can’t see that from this picture though notice how after netball carnival everyone just looked like a CRAB

ah but note our ingenious adlibbing where we have potter and malfoy trying to make a statement on homosexuality ohyesohyes (ohyes they both ohyes they both ohyes theyboth reachedfor- ahem.)

eh, we are damn openminded ok. GAY POWER STARTS HERE, M’LADDIES

no but then you see, there was the Other Kind of Gay

we even sent this in for a photography competition ok, it was so cool.

the caption read Let’s Fight SARS Together

ah but like all good gay dudes we had dreams! ambitions! lovely notions that one day we would rise up into the sky! be the people we wanted to be! freee loveee, we shouted, FREE LOVEEE! (actually that just means Screw Anyone You Want To Screw, doesn’t it, just Don’t Get AIDS) so that’s how we came up with

– a starstudded class. this pathetic attempt at imitating F4 clearly does not do us justice- it was conceived out of boredom at miss foo’s absence in the geogroom. (i wasn’t there, but at that time this was hilarious)

but because we were nice people and realised our limitations, we decided to just take a picture with our beloved idols (who were incidentally plastered all over the classroom, after which everyone else came to look and our takeshi kaneshiro and viggo mortensen posters got STOLEN bah the bitches)

BUT AHH. those were the days! hahaha! shall leave you with a lovely picture of nadia (note the wonderful caricature on the board next to her, you gotta click this one to enlarge it so you can see her in her full glory, though on hindsight the thing on the board looks more like olive oyl ahaha)

okok, when i have time, i will do hair chronicles of joel tee as requested by bk. aww yeah.

THE HAIR CHRONICLES #1.

after recently discovering the great skill of Photography, i have been asked by my brother to create the bestest entry of all, one that will withstand the test of time- the magnificence and glory of this entry will be Unmatched! (unless of course you have better pictures.)

anyway this entry is for the benefit of all our wonderful little juniors (especially one) who have been so eager to discover the depths of your seniors and our Deep Dark Secrets. beware, my little friends, for the Truth is Horrifying. i give you a warning now. viewer discretion advised. if you laugh out loud in front of the computer, i accept no blame. NOW ONWARD!

————–

so you see when i first stepped into jc on the first day of school all my classmates seemed rather nice. you know like those normal hc-type people that just hang around and basically do nothing. (this is the story of how i met keith ok, so exciting) i can’t help but tell everyone this cos i remember like the first few days of school i really hated this guy in my class cos there was one day (third day of orientation i think) that he didn’t come to school. everyone thought he ponned school and then he messaged faith to say oh i’m sorry i’m having a fever then everyone was just like O_O riiiight. anyway it wasn’t quite hard to dislike him, i mean, when this is the sight that greets you:

see, i even give you free preview: Back When Even Tongwei Had Hair. of course now i think she looks much better after that first initial dramatic cut where she proudly proclaimed that her sister Did It For Her (mmm quite suspicious out of context eh) and Has Done It ever since. ahemahem.

anyway on with the show! after that initial shock however we became relatively good acquaintances and always went on various trips with the class to chinese high (something you can’t do these days hai not just because they WALLED UP the damn HILL asljhfdjg!! but also because we have no time nowadays, and it’s just damn FAR away laa) and then we came to what Brings People Together every year, which was dramafeste, where we had (as usual) a smashing cast and smashed all the awards (well, most anyway)! i was doing props with shujun as the stage manager and keith was doing lights then. be still now, folks, you will see the Amazingly Small T-Shirt make its appearance soon. it was so small everyone was laughing at it because keith was small and tiny and his tshirt made him look smaller and tinier:

i think sometimes even if you want to be skinny also don’t need to go to this extent la, make everyone jealous. sigh. and then after dfeste ended we all went for supper at swensen’s, where keith manifested his murderous tendencies by picking up a knife and replicating joel’s action of the night. behold the keith on a murderous rampage! (he’s wiping the blood off on the napkin now tsktsk so dodgy)

note also joel’s psychotic look, which can clearly be seen though half his face is cut off- a reminder to all aspiring psychopaths that you don’t need to be Seen to be Felt. ohyessss. mmm

after dfeste, of course, everyone got quite used to keith’s hair even though it was rather Hard and Immovable and quite straightly combed. if you look closely you can probably see the comb tracks through his hair and the sheer amount of gel needed just to hold the whole package together. so now that we’ve gotten through the shock of his hair (ohh no, no pun intended ahhaha) it’s time to showcase the various expressions of my darling little brother which can range from terribly disgruntled after me scoring one shot during math lecture when the lecturer was going on and on about sigma notations

to being flabbergasted and extremely shocked when i caught him all Sweaty and with Two Balls in His Hand

to immense happiness at sitting next to shuki at kap, after our great paper-tearing expedition (me and rui included) and shuki proudly brandishing the last bit of paper left while the picture was being taken (after which, of course, she promptly tore it up and went HA! TAKE THAT!)

notice also the expression on shuki’s face which (more often than not) looks like an advertisement for lonelyhearts club, but of course now All That Has Changed. mmhmmhmm. =D=D Change Is The Only Constant. oh yes. what a time to be spouting stupid proverbs! ahahah! but alas, we must move on. we arrive to the manifestation of keith’s alterego, his very own animagus form! behold his wondrous transformation as you’ve never seen before:

you can start imagining him going nee-nee-nee like a hamster with his hands like that about now

are you dying yet? ARE YOU DYING YET, MY FRIENDS?!

you should see this! the last few days! the final battle against the forces of evil! look at the days of the humanities quiz, when we were all frazzled and stressed and dead after humans quiz

notice the traces of fatigue etched on his face!

and huixuan’s subsequent horror after i showed her the picture on the digicam (oh yes, Back When Xuan Still Had Hair Too)

then we finally come to the moment of reckoning. my darling friends, compare this —

— with this!

of course as you can tell, it was a mindblowing experience for all of us in class. even the seniors were shocked as keith, Tremendous User of Hair Gel, came to school in a competely new hairstyle and yet messed it all up within the first 15 minutes of coming to school! thus began the Great Quest to Save Keith’s New Hair employing the services of zhuanghui and alex who gamely rushed to the toilet to rescue the poor boy from the evil clutches of his HAMSTER DAYS

but clearly some things don’t change.

after that, of course, keith became how we currently know him as, the great Metrosexual Man (insert blag dahlia music now, tap and groove to it, darlings- it’s actually quite a good song) who goes i don’t want to play tennis my hair will DIEEEEEEE

that was of course what he said to us the entire year till the holidays where he decided, in his true experimental and (stupidly hamsterish) nature, he went from this (note the big smile now darlings) —

to this:

oh dear keith why must you do this to yourself :(

of course, my darling juniors, you have never seen all this before. i doubt keith even knows i have some of these pictures. that’s because all of you have only seen him in this kind of hair:

in a wonderful chinese new year picture that he conveniently blocked with his hand AHHH but notice the similarity between keith and leon’s hair! the only difference, of course, being the fact that leon’s hair doesn’t require any gel at all. AU NATUREL, DARLINGS. not lousy fakos like keith! tsktsk.

but he’s my darling brother so all is well. and now you are Back to the Future. anyway he can’t sue me cos he requested this entry. there’ll be more to come! like, i dunno, the chronicles of nadia’s hair! ahahaha! SEEEEYOUU heeheehee

there are many convenient substitutes for it- love, charity, faith,
all that. but there isn’t. there is no substitute for competence.

-the fountainhead

god, i can’t do this anymore.

so, man’s ego is the fountainhead for human progress.

i wish, in ayn rand’s sense, that i could be an egotist. the ultimate egotist. the one that creates, who swims against the current, who is the architect of his own spirit. but then again, i know i’m only saying this because in some sick way i’d like to feel myself superior to everybody else, so i can say, you lousy thing, i’m better than you, i’m above all this. it’s a kind of nobility everyone can afford to have. the thing is, we all care. so we’re all second-handers. and the worst kind is the one who seeks power. oh yes we are.

i got a haircut today and a free meal. the free meal was timely- i was quite broke. j owes me money. the haircut was timed so it would be unnoticeable. i like to think no one will ever notice and i’ll always stay that way. the truth is, nobody ever does notice. so i’ll never change unless you stop to look.

i walked past that place today. yes i knew you’d realise, i’m lying, yes, i walked through it. i saw him sitting on the steps of his back door, reading a newspaper in the back alley. he was real. he was half-naked. he was quite, in fact, quite beautiful. curly hair and grecian profile and all that nonsense. the kind people like to sculpt. to pay homage to. nah, i’m kidding, he was just a normal boy. caucasian, perhaps, but normal- it must have been the light.

i love that place, you know, but that place is for lovers.

the fountainhead by ayn rand is quite a good book-

i always thought ayn rand was a male like i always thought sidney sheldon was a female. turns out i was wrong on both counts, but everyday you learn something new (so discovery channel eh) today i read about 200 pages more of it and it’s amazing how intellectual and emotionally wrenching it can be at the same time. must read atlas shrugged one day- slept from about 6 to 11 which was rather disturbing and is made even more disturbing by the fact that i’m still sleepy. have cwealth essay to do but clearly am still recovering from hist essay piaing last night, till 4am. looked like a ghost today in school, the washed out kind. k commented i looked even whiter than before (if that’s even possible) and even those two spots of pink that’re usually there are gone! so basically i just look pasty-faced and sad :( must be the vitasoy. the horrible thing is it’s not over, there’s still a test on thursday, i don’t know how miles can stand to have j1+j2 essays coming in all at once, which just means he’ll take damn long to mark, etc etc. he hasn’t even returned the last essay, even though he didn’t mark mine (and i did it but it was a day late) but nevermind, at least i had something to show.

this week is horrible, there is still math to do while studying for hist, there’s histsem presentation and politics forum and mentorship rubbish to finish- i’ve realised i’ve wasted a day just sleeping away but i just can’t think anymore. at least friday ends at 1240- although that really kindof sucks because we’re missing s history again and s history is really fun :( argh will push self more. should stop sleeping and killing self at the same time. oh and was telling rm that am developing unhealthy dependence on soyabean- even though the yeo’s soyabean tasted crappy and i had to walk over to the drink stall anyway to get a straw, so i might as well have bought vitasoy, talk about stupidity. and today was highly irritating because singtel fucked up on everyone again. after i got home i got about 15 messages saying ‘_____ tried to contact you when you were unavailable’ and it just screwed up my whole mailbox. sigh. will go to sleep

oh and with horror: my writing is deteriorating like HELL :(

it’s about the time of the night where i’m just damn TIRED of trying to find stuff to put in for my hist essay cos the damn scope is just so wide i don’t even know where to start- i am being inundated with all sorts of weirdo theories about imperialism from my uber-smart cousin which just makes me feel damn Stupid, man. urgh! am eating mashed potato now and wishing for the tau huay near my house. the tau huay that’s in soya milk and has tang yuan inside as well. bahh 3in1 super nice. while i was filling in the water for my instant mashed potato how i wished the tau huay shop would just make themselves 24 hours. sigh- oh and random interjection: supreme cd shop is closed for good. ohwell. it did have some good stuff- loads of it actually. esp since gramophone is going all commercialised and rubbish. plehhh. oh back to what i was saying about food- i suddenly have this craving for the 14 juniors’ cold banana fritters with nutella/peanut butter!! arghhh i’d pay someone to do it :( they actually taste really good despite their shit-looking appearance. ahahaha but nobody believed me during cny when i told them mumble. ah well hist essay hist essay i still have commonwealth to do mumblemumble i should just be like joel and just hand the damn thing up late BAH :(:(

200

i’m damn tired but i’ll say this now because i suspect that after tomorrow i won’t be able to anymore. i think the feeling of immense exhilaration after a play (regardless of whether or not we win) is v good but is always replaced later on by bone-weariness. my legs are aching just from running around and being worried about various things.

am terribly broke now due to all the food i’ve had to buy for cast/crew, etc. but am very very happy that we swept all the acting awards and best director/play (go b and z! bz, hahaha. sorreh that was Bad) despite all those comments about our play being too long and whatever whatever- well we were quite prepared to be penalized for it but you gotta have faith in your own production man. they give you 30 minutes you use only 24 not our problem, ok. harumpf.

sam is sore abt not winning best script but that’s not a v impt award anyway we all know our script was Good. therefore we will not complain- can’t win everything, anyway. i think the script that won wasn’t bad, but the acting didn’t do it justice. yeah that’s what i think anyway.

got lots of lovely flowers! hoorei hoorei. k said i’m not a flower person but i am! nj agrees- just not sunflowers, they’re too happy. am quite a tulip person though they look real BAD when they’re dried and i like champagne and white roses muchly! am still slightly disturbed by what happens to flowers, since we all try to prevent them from getting squashed like they’re still alive or something. just now at the bus stop i saw j pulling out a yellow gerbera from a pocket in his guitar bag and it still looked more or less in shape- that quite amazed me, actually.

went to newton after trying to pick up loads of rice that fell in between the grooves of the stage flooring- am stuffed. stingray, veggies, carrot cake, hokkien mee, popiah (omg we forgot the chicken wings) and lots and lots of rice and tehpeng is very satisfying indeed. it pays not to eat dinner. awww yeah.

went home with ww cos i discovered he lives quite near me. we’re both damn broke now cos of all the stuff we had to pay for. had a nice talk with him about like the weirdest stuff and laughing abt his rubbishy chinese- haha. yupyup! new day new discovery. always nice to make new friends.

ah, at least it’s all over. i feel abit like how i felt after yawp was over.

ok am like quite brain dead now. need to sleep- so goodnight

p/s: eh, i just realised, it’s been a good four years since that fateful night. hoho! how time flies

dfeste is tomorrow! hope it all turns out well.

attention, darlings- this is k f marx at your service
everyone is piaing their hist essay now while im not doing anything cos im just damn braindead from trying to figure out lighting and screaming at props people and shouting rerun rerun ohgod. we are all braindead. bern is like dying and zar’s getting damn snappy and the cast is just >_< but tomorrow’s the real day! and sales are damned Bad, can. can all of you people who read this PLEEEEASEE go!

HCJC DRAMAFESTE
thursday (17th feb) and friday (18th feb) at 7pm at lt3,
you can buy tickets at the door or reserve tickets by calling 91125820
and indicating your name and number of tickets.

we’d better win best script. sam&i are just WAITING to go up and collect, k. and bern too! but if bern/zar win best director, we’re going up without him! AHA! and BEST PLAY. omg we must not lose to the fac i just defected from (about which i feel rather bad actually) just because that’s what our darrrrling emcee said! (cue dagger glares) yes out, out ye mangy cur! thou art a saucy knave! ohgod too much shakespeare. TOO MANY PLAYS!!! >_<

you know it’s true when they say it never rains but it pours. today has been quite a horrible and tiring day for everyone. lots of screw-ups, little faux pas[es] (whatever my french can’t make it), let’s say a wrong thing here or there. dfeste is slowly sliding down the drain. the technical possibilities are endless. and i don’t mean that in a good way.

but there’s only a few more days left! we will See This Through. somehow -_-
dear cast please don’t give up now we can do it! (somehow)

it was nice going to rj today and exploring the new school- i felt sort of like when we moved to the new rgps, which similarly was all green and white (school colours never change do they) and was too overwhelmingly big and cold for some reason. the classrooms looked kindof -bare, and not lived-in enough, but i suppose that happens to all new buildings especially when your school smells like a new house.

i missed 412 though. was v nice seeing everyone again though everyone had to rush off after spilling all our yusheng on the table which is what happens every year anyway, and then ch speeds off to buy some sad substitute for raw fish. last year it was fish finger type things, this year it’s fish cake. wonder what she’ll come up with next, urgh. haha. wanted to stay longer but had dfeste to go back to and- yeah.

i suspect ww is actually quite a nice guy to talk to. had a chat with him today while watching the rest rehearse, and it was quite enlightening. also, i think lying down at the central plaza facing the sky at night is quite a nice thing to do. i remember vaguely last year i said i wanted to find someone to lie down and watch the stars with me. i did that with yg in mongolia and that was possibly the most beautiful night ever, mainly because there were no lights at all. mongolian skies rock ok! haha. anyway this year i don’t have anyone in mind (i’m lying) and i figure just having someone to talk to while doing that is good enough. am starved for company these days- just now r was telling me how horrifying it was because everyone’s in such a muggy mood already. i/h are always buried in math or hist/geog, tw’s always in the library and everyone just goes home after school. i realised this is about the only time we can actually play for real this year, and after a certain time you can just forget about a social life and just be a hermit for like 7 or 8 months. god knows we all need that time though some people manage to do it effortlessly.

b is stressed. is understandable. am rather worried for n but will talk tmr.

have decided to just put everyone’s initials down as a sign of my support for initialing. but please put your name on the tagboard if you tag unless you are certain i know who you are.

my phone bill has dropped dramatically and so has my message count. last month it was only 465 (woah i didn’t even use all the free sms man) messages and subtracting free incoming calls my phone bill was rather cheap. which is good because my mum takes that as a sign of increased money management, but i feel bad for lying (is it even lying?!) because it isn’t really the case. it’s just that, you know, like everyone else, ihavenosociallifeandnoonetomessage(besidesdfesteandclasspeopleoverstupidthingslikework). i hate the way all these things turn out in the end. am damn tired and ploughing through industrial rivalries and the partition of the world c.1870-1914 courtesy of robinson and gallagher with whom i have been spending alot of time recently- also i feel damn inadequate cos s was asking me some econs mcq question and realised that though i knew the answer i didn’t know how to explain. aargh.

enough la, this entry very long already.

it’s not so easy to hide on the phone, is it –

sometimes i’m so good i confuse even myself. running around in circles and what have we found? -the same old fears. the same old same old. same, old. the same things are always old and the old things are always the same. i wish it weren’t like that (actually i’m lying) but i can’t help it anymore than those tears. i know each one is probably like an icicle, and i stuck that all in by myself. i know, i’m a horrible person.

i wonder if you know i’m not the one you’re waiting for. or that i can’t be. i can’t be while i’m dealing with myself over all this noise, while rain from everywhere is pouring in. i’m overflowing now. i might be drowning- but you might be too.

there’s an immense sense of empathy which i feel with X but comes from an experience i cannot name anymore, not this time, or not ever. but if you’ve read this long enough (long before i deleted all the archives) or know me well enough (or if you don’t have enough of a life to actually ask around and find out what happened) you’ll know what i’m talking about anyway. after all when i was in it i made it no secret of it much as i tried not to, i thought he was the one i was waiting for too. perhaps it might have been (i still have this niggling doubt it just might have been, and it was so close to becoming an is, but he would laugh and say nah we don’t know what all this is about anyway and shrug it off) but these things we can never tell. i don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been, hoho. and one must always overcome, overcome. pain and loss are normal- heartbreak is what there is, anyway. (that was salman rushdie speaking and i know i know i’m killing you with all the parentheses)

and no i didn’t tell you the whole truth- i can’t bring myself to do it. maybe cos it’s not over.

*

anw HM likes the EH piece so i’m happy at least. publication vetting today was Terribly Tiresome (yes alliterated y’know, so power) but quite fun though we all ended up quite braindead. walked around with david for awhile after it ended before we both realised we were walking in the opposite direction of where we should be heading- we live around the same area! haha. yay- cheap thrills. and is it just me or is the weather indiscriminately cold tonight? i say indiscriminately like the wind actually chooses its victims.

i have a whole lot of histsem stuff to do. along with lots of other things. so like i said, we all have better things to think about- much as we don’t like to and we can’t- you choke on this line- let go. but like jau says the transition there is always more difficult- you know you have to let go at the end anyway. and then you’ll know that once things get back to normal they’ll never be the same again.

i hope rehearsal was good, b. (:

haven’t worn this uniform for real in ages- i miss it so much. and it’s not just about getting to sit un-properly in a skirt all the time, it just brings back so many good memories. and everyone looks the same as they always did! i think the cny backdrop is lovely! -yayy to council who did a great job with that. and i’ve thought it over, all this stuff- it could be worse. daddy’s coming back later today!

chinese new year, 2005

there seems to be this wave of angst sweeping about just at the turn of the lunar new year. i suppose it happens to everyone- therefore i’m going to start talking abt mine now.

i am Too Proud, man, TOO PROUD to even talk to you for fear it’d all go wrong

and this new year’s eve (like the one last year, and i mean in december) has got to be one of the most quiet. nobody ever knows how profoundly something can affect you till it hits you in the face. there’s all this absence of feeling and emotion and action at the same time- where have all the flowers gone? i’m sad. i’m bloody sad about it. i’ve never realised how much lny (so Anal Bitch eh, like b) was an institution in my life till this year- or perhaps how much alot of other things were institutionalised in my life till i found them all gone. vague things. vague unimportant things like coming home by myself everyday and relying on myself and coming home to an empty house. it’s a strange feeling having to unlock your door everyday and open the sliding doors, draw the curtains. i get the feeling, this isn’t my job. this isn’t my job because everytime i come home the job is done. it’s done at 8am in the morning, or maybe 7. but there’s no one to do that now.

today’s reunion dinner was drastically reduced from the usual 12 or 13 to 5. that implies half my family is gone. in fact i never have reunion dinners on new year eves- every lny eve i zip off straight after school ends to my uncle’s house where we all huddle around a steamboat gorging ourselves till about 5 in the evening. except for the first time in my life today i was forced to think about what i had to do with myself after school- thankfully y/c came and we went out kboxing (amazing, innit- i actually bothered) after which i went speedshopping around orchard to get newyear clothes before all the shops closed on me

except on the way home i realised that there wasn’t any real need to rush because unlike any other year before i possibly wouldn’t even get out of the house this year to visit anyone at all so why the need to get new clothes? there are all these assorted reunion dinners and lunches all over the place but they always remain a fuzzy memory in my mind as to when we have which lunch with who and all that but my mum remains a perfect calm with regard to these things and so as always we arrive where we’re supposed to be

but kboxing was fun because i sang terribly out of tune and was trying frantically to read/sing my way through the chinese lyrics (songs to which i knew the tune of but not the words) which i discovered were manymany actually and we sang ooooldies like benxiaohai and wangqingshui and managed to find dangnigudan which promptly reminded me of o-night and all that hwachong stuff we do which was a nice way to end

not to mention the huge chicken chop and fries and drink that came with the thing- it’s quite worth it actually hmmhmm

anyway i bought a(-nother) pair of jeans and a top from forever21 which i queued all the way up that stupid staircase to try because i didn’t trust my own judgment as to whether a medium would fit because everything looked so bloody small and everyone there looked even smaller (with an XS, thank you darling) and while waiting in line i realised to my irritation that though everyone was speedshopping like me they intended to take inordinate amounts of time in the changingroom trying on stuff and it just got to the point where it was Fucking Irritating

when it came to my turn and i went in the cubicle only to spend all of about a minute to change tops and realise i should’ve just trusted my own judgment and gone with the size and saved myself about 15 minutes of waiting- which is really rather long considering you’re rushing against time and all those shops closing on you

blew about a hundred just on those two which is amazing considering it was my own money that i somehow managed not to spend these three weeks and is even more amazing considering the amount i’ve had to fork out for school stuff eg photocopying services which is plainly a moneymaking scheme hrmpf

but anyway hah to all those people who wondered why i always wore skirts last year it was only because there were no decent pants to wear but now i am armed with jeans (tons of them but actually only about 3 but that is good enough) so begone skirts unless of course they are all in the wash and i am hopeless at rescuing my laundry

and to end all this i’d just like to say how uncannily similar k and i are it’s so scary but we’re so similar that’s why we’re goodgood siblingtype people- we’ve been screwed up in the same kinds of ways and all that rubbish and we’re mean to the same kind of people and currently both of us are about as fucked up over the same kind of thing as a person could ever get

after dinner anyway i walked around the estate with my mum and discovered a side of my estate i never even knew existed- all those houses and lights and stuff it kind of reminded me a little of emerald hill with all those houses and long driveways open gates and cool breeze type things and it was lovely to walk and talk endlessly with someone close to me again though this time it was my mother and not anybody else but i thoroughly enjoyed myself

and i’m really tired of all this so goodbye darlings

jumping on the meme bandwagon. ;)

What is the geekiest part of your music collection?

actually, i had a hard time thinking up this one. though possibly it’s got to be that whole collection (6 cds ok!) of classical music i pressed my parents to buy when i was about 9 or 10. vague pretensions to intellectual superiority, that was, with all that ‘i must get into classical mood to play classical music on the piano’ rubbish. heh! it helped general knowledge though. and makes you sound like you have culture. hahaha.

What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?

it’s not even a movie but a really really old videotaped version of a cantonese opera. it’s called ‘di4 nu3 hua1’ (or dai noi fa in cantonese, as i first knew it as) and it’s about a princess (changping) and her lover (and also v brilliant general/statesman, zhou shixian) amidst the imminent overthrow of the ming dynasty, and her highly irritating/evil/manipulative sister who wants him all to herself. sounds typical, i know, but it’s just so so sad. & black and white always rocks.

If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?

i’m not particularly agitated about how i look though there are plenty of people who look loads better than i do, so plastic surgery is an unnecessary pain in ..wherever. laser surgery is fine though – i look terrible in specs and contacts are such a pain (literally), especially when they’re hard.

Do you have a completely irrational fear?

yes (: that if i don’t close the door when i sleep at home (only at night) a t-rex will loom at my door and tear me up piece by piece. and i race up the stairs at night because i’m scared a wolf will be chasing me. don’t ask.

What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?

when i’m staring right out into space, which i realise i do really often

Do you know anyone famous?

that would be a betrayal of trust, would it not ;)

Who would play you in a movie?

i have no idea. some klutzy, insecure and very proud loser.

What do you carry with you at all times?

my ipod and ezlink card, and phone. i’ve always thought that if i got robbed/kidnapped having an ezlink card (that’s virtually unrobbable anyway, and only a loser would rob someone of an ezlink card) would be quite useful to get home. and a phone – well, maybe i could call the police. HAHA. =x

What do you miss most about being a kid?

too little homework. i don’t mind homework per se, but now there’s too much of it.

What colour is your bedroom?

yellow. it’s a bright happy colour!

What was the last song you were listening to?

i don’t know, actually!

Have you ever been in a play?

unfortunately, yes. and fortunately that was the last time. i’m sticking to scriptwriting .

Have you ever been in love?

i think i can say yes now.

Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?

more or less ;)

Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?

sometimes. transient more than the rest, though.

What is your ideal marriage location?

anywhere is paradise (:

Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?

oh, dear. the chinese xiao. it has a lovely sound

Favorite fabric?

satin! is great to sleep in. (: but if it’s outside clothes, possibly just anything comfortable.

What’s the one language you want to learn?

japanese, the full works, this time round. it’s embarassing not knowing what people are saying.

How do you eat an apple?

i don’t.

What do you order at a bar?

i’m boring, or so my cousin told me when we hit the counter. so, vodka lime/coke. or margaritas (: girly drinks. heh

Have you ever pierced your body parts?

besides the obligatory, no.

Do you have tattoos?

nah.

Do you drive a stick?

no! haha.

Favorite trait of the opposite sex?

i’d say shoulders or hands but i never remember how they look and that’s not why you like someone anyway. so, eyes, because that’s about all i remember.

What kind of watch do you wear?

mostly i just use my phone. i used to wear watches till some idiot stole one of them at netball carn, which just sent me on a murder rampage of grass. to save the environment i resolve not to wear watches anymore.

Most frivolous purchase?

gee. where do i start?

What are you best at cooking?

salad? it doesn’t even need cooking.

Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?

i got chased out of the female toilet once, but i didn’t dress like that on purpose. and like adri the most i can manage is ambiguous.

What’s one car you will never buy?

a proton anything.

What kind of books do you like to read?

mostly fiction because my attention span and intellect are just about there. i like utopian/dystopian fiction (though someone in my class hates them i can’t rmb who) and satires. things about controlled realities, or emotions. i love marquez, and murakami, and roald dahl, the magician from my childhood. occasionally i read politics, gender studies, sociology, philosophy – if my mind can take it. usually it can’t and i take about 2 or 3 months to get through just one.

If you won the lottery, what would you do?

send myself to england. .. ok, i don’t know.

Do you cry in front of your friends?

some.

What’s one thing you like to do alone?

sleep. i don’t see how sleeping with other people occurs, especially between couples. i think i’d hate sharing beds.

Are you a giver or a taker?

i’m probably a taker. i’m effing lazy that way.

When’s the last time you cried?

quite a long time ago, i think. i don’t remember.

How many drinks before you’re tipsy sleepy?

i’ve never tried passing out before.

* doing the same old same old stupid things from four years before

[edit] am packing my room now and looking through all this junk i’ve collected over the last five years or so of secondary school and jc and all that. god i didn’t know i had so much rubbish- it’s complete madness. am really too sentimental a person cos alot of the things i keep have some kind of memory in them and that’s why i keep it- like letters and pictures and bracelets and earrings, weird school assignments and stuff like that. i’ve been cringing at how i wrote when i was sec1 and you know, it was still the aiya i must tok lyke dat larh i think its more fun yu noe kind of thing. my eyes nearly popped out haha.

lisa asked me that day what my new year resolution was. i said i didn’t have one! but i do except that if i said it then nadia’d just laugh at me so i didn’t hrm. no it’s not to eat less or lose weight or be more hardworking and all that (though those are vague aims but then again they’ve been vague aims since like forever) but- to stay single! at this pt in time it doesn’t seem too difficult but then again the last time i said that, i was sec4 and then look what happened to me and i screwed my whole life up from there again. j1 was a complete mess. therefore i resolve j2 will be better! muchmuch better! yeah well haha.

dfeste is wearing all of us out and it hasn’t even started. andd- ohgod all that reading to do and all the math and all the lost notes damn it. like joel said i think i’m just gonna kill myself if i find out all my notes are buried under this huge pile of shit that i’ve refused to clear. which is possible cos while last time i could find all my stuff even in the mess, my new maid has this compulsion to tidy everything up so i don’t know where the hell everything is. ah well i’ll get by somehow [/edit]

ok i conclude it can’t be the vitasoy. i drank coffee today and the same thing happened. am halftempted not to eat anything at all but then again like i told charmaine who asked if i was anorexic that i couldn’t be bothered to be anorexic. nahh have no self-discipline when it comes to food i just whop away!

in other news some filthy THIEF has gotten his paws on my history notes. if any of you see history notes with BRITAIN written in big red letters on the top PLEASE RETURN KTHNX. is really rather irritating when you take notes down complete with questions and thoughts along the way and then you fucking LOSE IT aksdhfkdlfhgdhfjg!! this is not the first time – there is a Note Stealer around. yanj and han have gotten it too. k33l! a murder is in order, damn it.

just reached home from school. rewriting dfeste script is a bitch man. but i think it looks loads better and we finally wrote the ending. instead of rehearsing we just sat there from 1-8 just writing the damn script – actually more like sam, bern and i just argued with each other for 2 hours and then sam had to go so me and bern and chengyi just died writing for the next 5 hours. tension ran high for about 7 hours where there was lots of table-thumping and shouting and fuck-offs and head-banging on tables especially when sam&i went off on a character-analysing tangent and bern was all screw the lit for now!-ish. AND bern was being anal about indentation on ian’s tablet pc when it was 730 and we all wanted to Go Home. (!!!) but all is good (i hope). need brilliant actors man. Brilliant with a capital B. Brilliant Actors. have Huge (with a capital H) problem with cast because of chinesenewyear holidays. one of our cast is leaving for EIGHT DAYS. considering we have 15 days to dfeste no one week is Just Not Possible. in the long run my darling we are all Dead. DEAD!

oh and ending is Psychotic. but it might also be the Best Written Part of the script which is really rather horrifying because it leads us all to the conclusion that we are Sick Shits with Dirty Minds and overall ohgodpleasedont-ness is amazing when from beginning to end the play is MADNESS. MADNESS. CHAOS AND BLACKNESS AND SILENCE. SO PLATH. yew tree with death and white clouddsss with life and all this black and white rubbish like Ooh Let’s Split One Line Down The Front (OLSOLDTF) which should be the title of our dfeste play, instead of Is You Is Or Is You Ain’t My Baby (IYIOIYAMB) which just sounds like some retarded continuation of the old macdonald song-

old macdonald had a farm

iyioiyamb!

ohgod i can’t remember the next line talk about lost childhoods

– this is the most nonsensical entry i’ve written in awhile