so, hmm. i just got home. after yesterday’s outburst today was the best day i’ve had in a week. actually it doesn’t sound like much hm and i guess it wasn’t all that bad to begin with, it’s just the best out of 7 completely random and passable days. studying is the pits. and i’ve discovered that virtually everyone who takes chem is now regretting it. wtf is NMR? people going around trying to memorise the properties of transition elements is pretty funny. except that i look down at my notes and realise i have about 300 years worth of history to learn. school so rules. my math sucks so much it swallows :( well there was good food today at least. FREE good food thanks to certain nice people. and lots of comfy chairs and cushions. and aircon. and a happy one hour nap. it’s all pretty good (: yeah well, you know. even if i get like the same results for blocks, which even then is highly impossible, since the way things are going right now i’m not sure i can ever replicate an A for econs ever in my life again. whatever. progress is an illusion, yo.

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oh god just kill me now

okay, dude. here’s the deal.
i’m cool with you getting 4As and all, you know.
i appreciate the fact that you worked hard to get it,
you’re really smart and whatever whatever,
so i really don’t mind if you’re expecting that kind of grade,
currently have alot of free time on your hands,
and expect a 99% chance of getting into whatever university you like
and are rich enough to go without a scholarship.
but omg please
STOP FUCKING RUBBING IT IN MY FACE

BASTARDS.
STOP TALKING TO ME
YOU DON’T NEED TO STUDY BUT I DO

lost pews

you notice that people tend to write bigger when they’re writing on blank paper. maybe it’s subconscious, when you don’t have to spill into and over lines that look uncrossable. you’re beginning to like using blank paper more, even though it kills all the trees in the process. i think the process of education is going to wipe out entire generations of trees in the near future. and its leaves will be somewhere you cannot go. like a tree museum. they will mark you with a tag that says MURDERER and push you off somewhere into oblivion. when you jump off the cliff the old rules don’t apply anymore; there will be no branch growing out of the mountainside for you to grab half the way down, there will be no trees to break your fall. you will land on the ground, smashed up like a broken egg, just a little splat to mark your departure. the old rules no longer apply, but nobody thinks of these things. it’s not like a cartoon; you can’t walk on air.

today the hymns were in latin and you didn’t know how to sing them; so you just mouthed something unintelligible, tried to follow the tune, and generally look like you knew what you were doing. and you know that you can fool most people but you can’t fool me. today you sat in the pews listening to the priest’s voice and a baby’s cry vie for background noise. i almost had to be there to see it; two different voices fading in and out of your consciousness, people all around indecisive, and you: unable to reconcile the urge to throw the offending baby out of the great folding doors to the church and the great statue of madonna and child carved just behind the altar, her face merciful, serene, forgiving; not at all like you.

why does nobody join hands anymore? is there something you missed?

you notice that people tend to write bigger when they’re writing on blank paper. maybe it’s subconscious, when you don’t have to spill into and over lines that look uncrossable. you’re beginning to like using blank paper more, even though it kills all the trees in the process. i think the process of education is going to wipe out entire generations of trees in the near future. and its leaves will be somewhere you cannot go. like a tree museum. they will mark you with a tag that says MURDERER and push you off somewhere into oblivion. when you jump off the cliff the old rules don’t apply anymore; there will be no branch growing out of the mountainside for you to grab half the way down, there will be no trees to break your fall. you will land on the ground, smashed up like a broken egg, just a little splat to mark your departure. the old rules no longer apply, but nobody thinks of these things. it’s not like a cartoon; you can’t walk on air.

today the hymns were in latin and you didn’t know how to sing them; so you just mouthed something unintelligible, tried to follow the tune, and generally look like you knew what you were doing. and you know that you can fool most people but you can’t fool me. today you sat in the pews listening to the priest’s voice and a baby’s cry vie for background noise. i almost had to be there to see it; two different voices fading in and out of your consciousness, people all around indecisive, and you: unable to reconcile the urge to throw the offending baby out of the great folding doors to the church and the great statue of madonna and child carved just behind the altar, her face merciful, serene, forgiving; not at all like you.

why does nobody join hands anymore? is there something you missed?

2046

everyone’s moving on; that’s great.

you notice how this shit always appears when i’m really bored
from L., the cute little girl (HAHA)

3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie? erm. the hours! even though there’s really nothing to cry about.
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done? errr i dunno. bigger eyes?! i haven’t really thought about it actually. liposuction ahahaa
5. Do you have a completely irrational fear? erm i’d say failure but that’s not completely irrational in the sense that you know it’s never going to happen. as it is it seems pretty imminent, so i suppose i’d settle for monsters. in the dark. when i’m going up the stairs.
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments? uh, looking past people. i have an annoying habit of looking in people’s direction but not really looking at them at all. then other times when i want to look at people i make them think i’m stoning and just staring in their general direction… it’s complicated.
7. Are you a pyromaniac? i wish(:
8. Do you have too many love interests? erm haha not really (:
9. Do you know anyone famous? probably
10. Describe your bed: i’ve slept on the same bed since i was 8. i love it
11. Are you spontaneous or planned? planned; are you kidding me? nevar.
12. Who would play you in a movie? who thinks about stuff like this?! .. i don’t think i know enough actresses to answer this question lol
13. Do you know how to play poker? err unfortunately yes
14. What do you carry with you at all times? wallet and phone, ipod on long journeys or when i’m alone
15. What do you miss most about being a kid? what! NO HOMEWORK!
16. Are you happy with your given name? yeah i used to hate it cos no one could spell it right
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year? aha. i don’t really know if that’s possible. i feel like that white pap in TMS! so Helpless Without IT!
18. What color is your bedroom? yellow
19. What was the last song you were listening to? err haha this is embarrassing. it’s the daejanggeum theme song =x
20. Have you ever been in a play? oh dear. oh yes.
21. Have you ever been in love? guess so (: much as he wants to deny it! haha
22. Do you talk a lot? depends on who you are!
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself? hmm MAYBE though if i screw this up i’d probably just give up and die. i agree with L. though people have alot more faith in me than i do
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? i’m a bit like the guy in embankment, at night. i always end up having a moral dilemma
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person? POSSIBLY hrmhrm
26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends? friends!
27. What is your ideal marriage location? somewhere with nice weather with all my friends and family (:
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play? the sax hoho (:
30. Something you love and hate? SCHOOL OMG
33. What’s the one language you want to learn? japanese; half-baked is so Bad.
34. How do you eat an apple? my maid cuts it up and i spear it with a fork =x
35. What do you order at a bar? tequila rose! (: flaming lamborghini yay but i’m usually broke
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts? ears … i’m not adventurous that way
37. Do you have tattoos? no. i saw a documentary on discovery channel on samoan tattooing and it just put me off forever and ever and ever
38. Do you drive a stick? hah. YES I DO omg i can finally answer this question! nobody should drive auto omg manual is fun+++
39. Favorite trait of the opposite sex? intelligence and humour!
40. What’s one trait you hate in a person? lying. but you get back what you put in and i’m not a paragon of virtue. so i’m not in a position to complain, yo.
42. Most frivolous purchase? omg where do i start! probably some pair of jeans i never wore and now cannot fit into heh. or my prom dress lol =x
43. Do you consider yourself materialistic? i didn’t use to care because i had less money and there was nobody to dress up for when i was 15 and looked like a boy anyway. now it’s kind of fun. and i have (slightly) more money. and i’m further from town which means things get more interesting. errrr. =x
44. What are you best at cooking? um. pasta? i have progressed from microwaving maggi mee!!
45. Favorite writing instrument? me and my pilot pen we’re great friends
46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in? blend in. i like watching people, not people watching me
47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? HAH. HAHAHAHA =x well i don’t do it anymore and anyway it only extended to berms and tshirts
48. What’s one car you will never buy? nissan sunny hm. i’m not being whatever it’s just that when i drive it it bloody feels like it’s gonna topple over every time i turn
49. What kind of books do you like to read? hah anything.
50. If you won the lottery, what would you do? this will mean egotistical hedonism at work. and it will sound selfish but i’ll go on holiday. buy a nice house for my parents. fly myself to england. donate some away. save the rest. i dunno. depends on the money, isn’t it?
51. Burial or cremation? who cares? just don’t wear black at my funeral
52. How many online journals do you read regularly? too many
53. What’s one thing you’re a loser at? tennis. i just can’t play it
54. If you don’t like a person, how do you show it? i’ll be civil. and more of an ass than i already am
55. Do you cry in front of your friends? that depends on who. and depends on what
56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people? that i am an arrogant bitch. HAHAHAHA omg how sad that it’s actually not v far from the truth under certain circumstances and to cetrain people
57. What’s one thing you like to do alone? write
58. Are you a giver or a taker? both
59. When’s the last time you cried? it’s been awhile (:
60. Favorite communication method? writing. i can’t talk to people face to face. i’d end up just not saying anything at all
61. How many drinks before you’re tipsy? i don’t know haven’t been to that yet
62. Do you think you’re cute? i don’t know. i don’t try to be and i hate people who do
63. Do you have problems changing clothes in front of friends? are you mad? i’d do it if they weren’t so terrified of seeing =x it’s RGS culture haha

i watched your light go out

how music can get to you if you let it.

it’s dark outside, it’s 7 at night. people are burning paper outside but those mounds of ash you can’t step on will soon come to an end. regeneration, rebirth, all that jazz, you rise with your red hair and you eat men like air. except, like TW says, men aren’t halal. so you really would have a bit of a problem. not that it might ever have stopped us. something’s got to end. all this circular logic, warped sleep cycles, eating dinner at 11 at night. something must go; it’ll probably be me. i think of the reading room and how it’s open till 9 and how you are there and i’m beginning to wonder how everything in jc’s just been passing me by. everything’s been sailing over my head and i might actually really miss this place. when i walked out of school today i saw pesticide smoke coming out of the holes in the ground. i’m starting to panic. and the spirit is willing. that quote NJ and J made so long ago– seek solace in religion, because nothing else will save you. oh yes, indeed.

we have the biggest chance we’ll ever get in a lifetime; let’s not fuck it up.

my mum is currently taking a flashlight to my printer, which currently looks like it’s undergoing a caesarean section since the middle is all opened up and you can see all its innards. it’s rather disturbing really.

today’s attempt to pwn plath in an hour didn’t go too badly considering all things. i finished 5 minutes later than i should have, but i attribute that to the furious flipping i did in order to find a quote i couldn’t remember (yes i cheated, so there)– i managed to write a decent amount, and i think i might actually break the record this time. after that very dismal and predictable 37 on the chaucer context, i don’t think it could get any worse (well i could get 37.5, but let’s not go there). it sucks when you can predict your grade even before you’ve started on a paper. i shall be counting heavily on prac crit to pull me up during the exam, since i have no luck with chaucer and i hate plath. i haven’t touched WBW in exactly a year and i don’t know wtf is going on in D&F. go, me. i’ll not even start on how lessons in othello and the caretaker are inadequate for my puny little brain.

i’ve just spent the past hour editing s-history transcripts to my satisfaction. i feel cheated because i realise it’s a complete waste of time, but i will console myself by saying that it actually does help me remember stuff by considering things in a larger context. it’s Whatever@Self-Denial. someone help me.

am watching betrayal by pinter tomorrow! i hope it’s good. it looks good. it better be, since i paid 27$ for it. and is it just me or are some people getting particularly annoying nowadays? why can’t people take hints?!

edit, 2.51am
so i just spent the last four hours outside on my mum’s balcony exposing myself to all and sundry. i set up a table and a chair there with ubiquitous amount of books and plugged into my ipod happily mugging away while enjoying the night breeze. is a pretty cool experience, that. aside from the fact that the whole world can see me, it’s interesting to watch the world go by from below. world going by meaning cars driving in and out of the cul-de-sac i live in. about the only interesting thing that happened tonight were when two men (neighbours, presumably) sat down at the white stone table outside one of the neighbours’ houses and chatted for awhile. you have no idea how well voices carry in silence until you actually are able to hear the conversation crystal clear (through your ipod) about 15m away and 3 storeys up. i believe i took off one of my earplugs the moment i (quite disbelievingly) heard the word orgasm— (at which point in time i was like WAH! ORGASM SO EXCITING! in my brain and all because since when do you hear ever stuff like that on a street corner?!) then switching off my ipod (still keeping the other earplug in my ear for cover-ups’ sake, y’know) i heard it very clearly again. it didn’t help that said neighbour was enunciating very clearly, like he was talking to a young boy who was about to get initiated into the Land of the Dead (you know they fake all the time, yo) and needed a Real Man’s help on how to pronounce the Big O– OR-GA-SM. i seriously doubt the other party was really that young (or stupid) and i shuddered when he drew out the ZZZMMM at the back like some sort of demented machine. it reminded me a bit of the starwars thing we had going on in dfeste; though on hindsight the image of lightsabers wouldn’t have been the most appropriate then. (ahem.) then i heard a triumphant FUCK THAT GIRL LA! from them– can you imagine, two grown men, both my neighbours, dressed happily in typical professional working attire, talking about SEX?! moreover, it was SEX that sounded like PROSTITUTION! after i watched them creepily stalk back to their respective houses under the streetlight, i was pretty freaked out. Things About Your Neighbour You Never Wanted to Know, Part 1. eek. i think i might be traumatised for life.

this is a beautiful song

my friend assures me it’s all or nothing, i am not worried– i am not overly concerned. my friend implores me for one time only, make an exception: i am not worried; wrap her up in a package of lies, send her off to some coconut island. i am not worried, i am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions; oh, she says, they were changing. it does not bother me to say this isn’t love because if you don’t want to talk about it then it isn’t love, and i guess i’m going to have to live that– but i’m sure there’s something in a shade of grey or something in between (and i can always change my name if that’s what you mean); my friend assures me it’s all or nothing, but i am not really worried, i am not overly concerned. you try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself to make yourself forget, to make yourself forget; i am not worried, if it’s love she said, we’re going to have to think about the consequences — she can’t stop shaking and i can’t stop touching her and this time when the kindness falls like rain it washes her away, and anna begins to change her mind. these seconds when i’m shaking leave me shuddering for days, she says. and i’m not ready for this sort of thing but i’m not going to break, and i’m not going to worry about it anymore; it seems like i should say as long as this is love but it’s not all that easy so maybe i should just snap her up in a butterfly net, pin her down in a photograph album; i am not worried, i’ve done this sort of thing before. but then i start to think of the consequences and the time when kindness falls like rain it washes me away and anna begins to change my mind. and everytime she sneezes i believe it’s love, and oh lord i’m not ready for this sort of thing; she’s talking in her sleep it’s keeping me awake and anna begins to toss and turn– and every word is nonsense but i understand it and oh lord i’m not ready for this sort of thing. her kindness bangs a gong; it’s moving me along and anna begins to fade away, it’s chasing me away, she disappears, and oh lord, i’m not ready for this sort of thing.

counting crows, anna begins

… i’m currently rereading my lit essay and wondering how in hell i was so perceptive at the time. and i’m highlighting it like these points are completely new to me. i think my brain’s really shutting down on me sigh.

‘Of course I don’t hate him,’ T. said. ‘There’d be no fun if I hated him.’ The last burning note illuminated his brooding face. ‘All this hate and love,’ he said, ‘it’s soft, it’s hooey. There’s only things, Blackie,’ and he looked round the room crowded with the unfamiliar shadows of half things, broken things, former things.

.
.
.

‘How dare you laugh,’ Mr Thomas said. ‘It was my house. My house.’

‘I’m sorry,’ the driver said, making heroic efforts, but when he remembered the sudden check of his lorry, the crash of bricks falling, he became convulsed again. One moment the house had stood there with such dignity between the bomb-sites like a man in a top hat, and then, bang, crash, there wasn’t anything left – not anything. He said, ‘I’m sorry. I can’t help it, Mr Thomas. There’s nothing personal, but you got to admit it’s funny.’

i’ve missed my cousin loadsssssss. he just came back from france and i’ve never been so happy to see him. we walked around siglap for about an hour just talking abt random rubbish and scaring his entire other side of the family into thinking we’re actually attached hahaha. there are lots of things going on with his life right now though. i’ve missed him alot. my wonderful great goodlooking smart strong caring lovely cousin yay :) ohgod if he weren’t my cousin i might have a major crush on him. but he’s one of the closest family ppl i have :)

hmm the past three days been pretty amusing. i didn’t think i’d actually ever meet anyone besides JL who said wahahaha— is kind of nostalgic, really, only because i don’t talk to him anymore.

the coffeebean at PL actually plays pretty good music! bumped into my uncle there who promptly gave me 20 bucks cos i couldn’t find the bloody ATM. am super behind on studying. haven’t even started macro yet and was supposed to finish fiscal/monetary by this week! oxford form gotta be in soon and i haven’t even handed up my final personal statement OMG I LOSE. and i think i just spent abt 50$ this week just on photocopying alone how gay is that.

was just talking to J last night abt random stuff and started talking abt unis and he said thinking abt uni makes him want to study less whereas it makes me study harder. i think it’s only because he knows he has about a 95% chance of getting in hoho. i hate smart people sigh but actually you know it’s just cos he’s less lazy than the average smart person. genius + hard work = win! :(

OMG BRAINDEAD

i’ve had an uncanny mix of good and bad all through this week, and it’s only wednesday. there’ve been alot of revelations, much humility, a general lightness of being over the weekend. then school started and i came to realise that sometimes the people you place the most faith in having not changed have really changed alot, along with the uncomfortable question of how much you really knew them in the first place. this is the kind of thing you repeat to yourself all throughout your teenage life, some classic statement on Teenage Angst, and yet the best of us fall to it still. this wednesday morning was a prime example; i couldn’t think straight after that. i’m determined not to let it get me down. after trying slowly to patch up one of the best friendships i have missed out on, i’m not going to ruin all the rest of the other stuff. even though the truth about people tends to hit you on the head when you least expect it, like at 7.30 in the morning during assembly. we all need to be more discerning about people. as with all things, it’ll probably come back to haunt me later. and i’ve had quite enough of haunting to last me a lifetime.

LIRB! :) and i am inexplicably (and very randomly) hungry! sigh. must stop eating
today’s been vaguely productive. only cos it’s 3 now …

going to church always calms you down.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. risse
2. clarisse
3. rissey (i think only YS bothers with this)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. luciene
2. submarine, back from sec1 irc days hoho
3. r

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. hands
2. arms
3. mouth (?! for lack of better things to say)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. tummy
2. legs
3. general inability to TAN ohgod

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. teochew
2. cantonese
3. hakka

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. failure
2. an empty house
3. uncertainty

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. music
2. msn
3. chocolate

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. wow day 2003 shirt hoho
2. fbts
3. underwear?!

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. dire straits
2. eagles
3. x japan

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. stereophonics – dakota
2. dire straits – sultans of swing
3. eric clapton – wonderful tonight

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. space
2. affection
3. understanding

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. i drink only when i’m sad
2. i treasure my best friends alot
3. i lie even when i don’t need to

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. hands
2. eyes
3. smile

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. walking at night
3. can’t think of any more

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. settle this rubbish
2. not be studyign
3. hug my dad

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. being a doctor
2. theatre director HAHHAHA
3. law, ohgod

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. eastern europe
2. actually anywhere i can walk endlessly and aimlessly is pretty good
3. russia

THREE KID’S NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. garibaldi
2. cavour
3. mazzini

well, Not Really. but i can’t think of any

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. fall in love again, with someone different thanks
2. explore the world
3. spend time with my family

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. i like nice underwear
2. i really like being hugged
2. i’m a sucker for romantic flicks

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. DONNIE YEN OMG (nobody understands me)
2. fukuyama masaharu
3. um, yoshiki. hurhur

i’m so politically correct and pro-asian.

today was brilliant.

i want a shirt that says “chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum i hate the most”! i saw it at heeren today, and i really wanted to buy it, but i bought another tshirt that says “oompaloompa oompadeedoo” on it. it’s so cute. i don’t know why i keep buying stuff since i have no time to actually wear them, but it makes me happy. and anyway nowadays i have nothing else to spend on. i spend most of my time in school or at home studying, so i suppose it really makes no difference. i’ve been sitting in a theatre practically the whole day today. and my right ankle still hurts to high heaven. i really need to get it x-rayed. sigh.

some things are weird when you’re half asleep and you want to collapse. but you can’t always have it the way you want it yeah.

ben folds five

i said what you wanted to hear
and what i wanted to say
so i will take it back
are all the dishes intact?
let them be broken

it’s easy to be easy and free
when it doesn’t mean anything
you remain selfless, cold and composed

you’ve done me no favour to call and be nice
telling me i can take anything i like
you don’t owe me to be so polite
you’ve done no wrong
you’ve done no wrong
get out of my sight

it’s easy to be easy and free
when it doesn’t mean anything
you remain selfless, cold and composed

come on baby now throw me a right to the chin
don’t just stare like you never cared
i know you did
but you just smiled like a bankteller
telling me, have a nice life

come on baby now throw me a right to the chin
show me that you give a shit
but you just smile politely
and i grow weaker and i
said what you wanted to hear
and what i wanted to say
so i will take it back

there are worse things than being heartbroken.

today’s been exhausting, but i watched seven swords with my mum tonight. if there’s one more reason to love donnie yen, it’s seven swords. leon lai was surprisingly not irritating, but is maybe just because i’m a sucker for kungfu movies hoho. and personal statements are a biatch, i can’t make myself sound vaguely acceptable at all. it’s just random dumping of achievements yaye and let’s hope to hell they like what they see. um, not really working is it? i hate writing self-promotional stuff. how do people do this for a living? sheesh.

hoho

you make your own bed you sleep in it all right
i need to know what i’m doing
and i need to stop going rational brain says: Not Really
because it’s eventually self-defeating and at the end of the day, i lose
settle? settle settle settle? Yes Really, but not really
life is such a bitch lol
maybe i should just do it now? save all of us the trouble yep
ya i think it might actually work, what’s the point in waiting

i wonder if it used to be just naive idealism that fueled my impassioned rants, but it seems as though i might be making peace with my country (which is a nice euphemistic way of saying ‘selling out’ for the more cynical among us). sometimes you feel yourself going down this road marked apathy and you’re just like, no i don’t wanna go there, not ever. but some things keep repeating themselves and you realise that it’s always the same things that rile you up, and then you start to wonder if it isn’t just you finding fault with things or if it really is fundamentally flawed, things you find an overwhelming need to want to change, it’s the same old same old and it’ll always be the same old things. sometimes things don’t always work out the way you want them to, and while you keep telling yourself that you cannot allow yourself to fall into indifference, you’re constantly faced with this wall you can’t get through. with all that residual doubt just lingering at the back of your head trying to push its way forward all the time, one is in limbo half the time trying to decide if it’s possible to understand the workings of your country with alot of criticism involved. i think it might be the fact that the PM no longer seems so distant, so unapproachable, but instead more human and more … like a normal person, since the only times i’ve run into him are divorced from a political setting. and it’s then hard to reconcile such a person with the government he’s supposed to lead, that government you’ve been speaking out against for so long, finding fault with. what do people say about never mixing the private and the public? there’s no doubt there’s change, and yet there’s something always at the back of your head going, something’s not quite right… how much of an attitude change can you have in two years? how much will remain the same is the scariest question.

320

“i liked being somewhere where i didn’t have anybody to dislike and bitching wasn’t an everyday part of life. you just don’t get that anymore”

i really need to get some sleep

it’s hard to tell if you’ve been fooling yourself, so you dream on. then belatedly you realise that something must be happening, some things must happen, when the lines are so blurred you don’t remember what you dreamt or if you dreamt up what you remember. there are too many people running, screaming, trying to die in a fire you know nothing about, re-enacting what you may have possibly seen in a tv serial. two people are playing, inflicting, engaging in random psychological torture on somebody else, and nothing’s the same when you mix up sex, drugs and a deranged mind: all three are naked and there’s the smell of kerosene all around; somebody’s got a baby not out yet, somebody might miscarry, and watching a pregnant woman, heavy, slow, crashing blindly around a rapidly crumbling house is a heavier emotional burden than you’d like to bear. there are flashes of memory, little things: two people sitting in one chair; hiding behind doors; a pair of spectacles you know you’ve seen somewhere before, on your writing table; a scrap of handwriting; dark, slow alleys. you’re not even there, you don’t know anyone, their bodies are so clearly and earthily defined but the faces are all blanked out, three perfectly round circles bobbing over like speech bubbles, white with promise and death. a movie? possibly not. nothing could be this real. i recount the whole story in my head with horrified eyes, falling over myself to reach the phone, shaking as i press your home number into the buttons, struggling to remember it because your mother changes it so often. you always sound like you have no time for me and when i tell you everything you laugh. and i freeze. i’ve heard it before, i’ve heard it before, i’ve heard it before, rising up like a white oval speech bubble, its little tail like a comma, a pause hanging over my head, over that perfectly round movie blankout of a face, that laugh, this laugh, it couldn’t be anyone else, it couldn’t be, it couldn’t be…

all this while you call me silly and tell me i have such random dreams, that i couldn’t possibly know these people, and yet it is possible to dream that a person is in essence somebody you know though their faces are completely dissimilar from what you know, and sometimes what you know isn’t good enough. i remember now. i remember everything. a seesaw, a change of heart, the puddle on the concrete floor, don’t think i never noticed, climie fisher in the background singing love changes everything, everything like suburban pop culture and your fingers ghosting over the bent page of a book, the faint thrill of making sure you were human, your laugh, that laugh, and that other perfectly blanked out face, white and bobbing and faceless but i know who it is, i know who it is; it’s her, it’s her, it’s her, the one you will always take by the hand and run out of the fire with, scribbling a short i’m sorry and flinging it at me. on the way out you trip over yourself, you drop your glasses and then my face is a blob. the world turns and you leave. you are smiling and i’ll melt away with a lump in my throat. don’t think i never notice.

get some sleep

it’s hard to tell if you’ve been fooling yourself, so you dream on. then belatedly you realise that something must be happening, some things must happen, when the lines are so blurred you don’t remember what you dreamt or if you dreamt up what you remember. there are too many people running, screaming, trying to die in a fire you know nothing about, re-enacting what you may have possibly seen in a tv serial. two people are playing, inflicting, engaging in random psychological torture on somebody else, and nothing’s the same when you mix up sex, drugs and a deranged mind: all three are naked and there’s the smell of kerosene all around; somebody’s got a baby not out yet, somebody might miscarry, and watching a pregnant woman, heavy, slow, crashing blindly around a rapidly crumbling house is a heavier emotional burden than you’d like to bear. there are flashes of memory, little things: two people sitting in one chair; hiding behind doors; a pair of spectacles you know you’ve seen somewhere before, on your writing table; a scrap of handwriting; dark, slow alleys. you’re not even there, you don’t know anyone, their bodies are so clearly and earthily defined but the faces are all blanked out, three perfectly round circles bobbing over like speech bubbles, white with promise and death. a movie? possibly not. nothing could be this real. i recount the whole story in my head with horrified eyes, falling over myself to reach the phone, shaking as i press your home number into the buttons, struggling to remember it because your mother changes it so often. you always sound like you have no time for me and when i tell you everything you laugh. and i freeze. i’ve heard it before, i’ve heard it before, i’ve heard it before, rising up like a white oval speech bubble, its little tail like a comma, a pause hanging over my head, over that perfectly round movie blankout of a face, that laugh, this laugh, it couldn’t be anyone else, it couldn’t be, it couldn’t be…

all this while you call me silly and tell me i have such random dreams, that i couldn’t possibly know these people, and yet it is possible to dream that a person is in essence somebody you know though their faces are completely dissimilar from what you know, and sometimes what you know isn’t good enough. i remember now. i remember everything. a seesaw, a change of heart, the puddle on the concrete floor, don’t think i never noticed, climie fisher in the background singing love changes everything, everything like suburban pop culture and your fingers ghosting over the bent page of a book, the faint thrill of making sure you were human, your laugh, that laugh, and that other perfectly blanked out face, white and bobbing and faceless but i know who it is, i know who it is; it’s her, it’s her, it’s her, the one you will always take by the hand and run out of the fire with, scribbling a short i’m sorry and flinging it at me. on the way out you trip over yourself, you drop your glasses and then my face is a blob. the world turns and you leave. you are smiling and i’ll melt away with a lump in my throat. don’t think i never notice.

following the spectacular defeat of my muscular abilities, i’m pleased to announce that my right foot, far from being the paragon of virginal (uh) virtue, is completely and utterly screwed. it’s quite disgusting because it’s all swollen and red, the bone is slightly out of place (though that got fixed) and it still hurts whenever i walk on it. i have a hugeass gauze wrapping over it, and the only good news is, i get to take it off by tonight because trying to get to and fro from lt5 is just too arduous to undertake with a great big lumpy herbal-medicine-smelling foot. i’ve been seeing alot of “bai-ka” people around lately; must be the weather.

went to east coast park with my mum just now. they revamped the hawker centre! and the satay beehoon queue moves surprisingly fast, considering there were like 10 people in front of me. had great stingray and a whole load of chicken wings as well. haven’t had good hawker food in ages. :)

i want to go shopping. but this weekend spells major studying for all the times i’ve slacked off this week attempting to correct my sleep cycle. and my mum is on the verge of killing me because i bought three tshirts for 120$ at one go. i can’t remember when’s the last time i actually had 120$ cash in hand from my own money to just blow like that. hahahhaha omg i think i should go on a self-imposed shopping diet. and start saving for the six months of academic vacuum ahead of me which i will predictably spend doing nothing but sleeping, shopping, going out with people and going on holiday.

school’s been ending early all week. :) i love talking to people in the canteen, esp on thursdays when everyone else is having s lit. today’s was especially great. school actually isn’t so bad once you hit the books. hoho.

33333 hits coming soon!

it’s now 33303 (the last person being me) so if you happen to be here leave a tag if you’re the 33333rd! i wanted to do it for 22222, but when i saw the thing it was 22221 and when i next refreshed it it was 22223. oh well. just got no luck!

mr B was hilarious today (“so long as retraining can occur over a long enough time period, we will become more elastic. and then our pants will fall down”), and we managed to finish (uhh) economic rent in one lesson (more like half actually, he spent the first period talking about writing CVs) all the while enduring completely random comments interjected by mr B and various people along the way. it was pretty good. :) math lectures are a joke.

it’s 6 weeks (5.5 now) to prelims! everything is a mad rush. it’s 2.36am and i’m really tired. also, reading about arthur golden today reminded me that the movie’s due out soon, in all the glory of zhang ziyi’s very deplorable english. yay for michelle yeoh as mameha, and gong li as hatsumomo (oh yes) and (i think) ken watanabe as nobu! :))) i saw the poster come out awhile ago, and while the americans always seem to get it wrong with the nationalities of the cast and assorted costume errors, it looks pretty good. and you know there’ll be people who’ll go to watch it anyway. LIKE ME. =D willy wonka opens thursday!