492 not a very good april fool’s entry

apologies, i think, are overrated. yesterday’s play proved that. i imagine one day that if people say sorry too many times it will lose its meaning. just like the word nice, the word honourable, the word honest – just like the word fine. i’m fine. funny how one word loses its meaning so easily, just by repeating it. and then some.

things change so quickly. there are many things that i, would like to say to you, but i don’t know how; funny how things can pass between strangers and some others just remain across a road nobody dares to cross. it’s a bit like clothes, really – there are some you buy and wear into the next three weeks or so, and then there are those where the only time you put them on is in the fitting room. girls should know; every girl must have at least one. not everyone is like faded jeans where you just love them more with age. some people come and some people go, in the end the ones who stay aren’t always the ones who actually matter, just like the big fish that got away. you know as well as i do that the length of time you know somebody has zero bearing on how well you know a person.

what does it mean to lose yourself in a crowd of people? to be someone, to become someone, to turn into somebody else, to forget you actually ever existed. life becomes a movie, a timeline, a history book, where there is always a Before and an After. pre-war, post-war, circa 1870, pre-secession, post-independence, post-breaking up, post-love, post-you. before you, after you, when you were here. it’s so easy to categorise love, put people into boxes, cart them away in memories as if they never existed, real people become vague outlines, first loves are forgotten. lovers become friends, and friends disappear. anyone who has ever been in love knows that pain, somewhat acute, somehow dull, somehow always there – when people you have shared your life with suddenly become people you call for a movie, a coffee, a drink, a play. people you know as letters on a screen or faces in a photograph. are you who you are? are you what you say you are, are you the things you like, the things you do, the people you see, the person you love? are you the person you love? are you his fancies, his moods, his whims, his laughter, his smile, his sorrow? are you his nemesis, are you your nemesis, are you his enemy, are you his friend, is he your friend, is he for real, are you him, or is he you? and does everyone else really not matter in the process?

are you looking for a lover, or a fan?
are you looking for a lover, or a sign?
are you looking for a lover or is it really worth the bother?
is it really worth the bother to be mine?

there are times when i wish i could talk honestly, like all those who bare their souls in places they know people will not read. to be completely honest one must write as if nobody is reading. when all this falls over my head and my life crashes down on me i know there is somebody waiting at the end of the tunnel who says, i told you so. in any case it’s always a challenge to be oblique. maybe i have said too little; or maybe i have already said too much.

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491 vodka makes me happy

because i feel this need to have a huge smile on wherever i’m at:


excuse our horrible-looking selves! at that time we just ran through 234556 miles of rain and got all wet, causing me to have to return home to change to watch a language of their own at esplanade, quite a wise decision considering i would’ve underdressed if i didn’t go back to change. not that i really was dressed for the occasion since my shoes were horribly mismatched (never ever listen to your mum’s fashion choices. NEVER) and RM wore her pretty dress. no pictures because i somehow forgot, and i was kinda sleepy (which i am obviously not now). i had alot of thoughts about the play which i somehow forgot on the way home talking to the boy. i’m sure i’ll remember most of it by tomorrow. anyway the whole point of this post, as you must have guessed, was to show you that huge bottle of vodka. which apparently was meant to make its way to me on my 18th birthday ie last year but never did but is finally in my grubby liddle hands :D and because my aim is to own all the absolut vodka bottles there are (what a poseur hobby eh, go on say it I KNOW YOU WANT TO) this is step #1 to nirvana! everyone cheer with me! VOD-KA, VOD-KA, LOOKS LIKE WATER, KILLS YOUR DAUGHTER! VOD-KAAAAAAA! (whatever. that didn’t really make sense; it just rhymed that was all)

PLEH. i keep sneezing. AM I DOWN WITH A COLD?! :O has the rain conquered me?!?!! I AM LOST! oh, woe. woe is me. :( :( :(

seriously though, i’ve been sneezing nonstop. it’s getting rather irritating not just because i have to keep reaching for tissue, but preparation for sneezing requires you to sort of sit up and raise your head so you can whoosh your head down for dramatic effect as your sneeze produces a downward movement of the head. yes, it is that violent. or maybe i’m just being melodramatic. the point was that this action is tiring. and i am sick of it. NOSE! I AM GOING TO REBEL! >:|!!!! my ankle is killing me :O it keeps hurting like #%&)#(&(@&$@@ for god-knows-what-#%&#)*&^*#^-reason and I AM CLEARLY A REPOSITORY OF ACHES AND PAINS! i am dying soon. someone save me :(

i’m clearly on crack. this is because i’m hungry and it’s surprisingly cold because i am crazy and not switching on the fan as i have been pwned by the rain. :O as a remedy i am going to run off and cook myself something. COOK! not maggi mee, as you might postulate. but real food! i lie, it is probably only pasta. which is like maggi mee but longer. clearly i cheat with every foodstuff there is possible. kill me. HAH.

enough of this. I RUN TO THE KITCHEN!

490 advice is a form of nostalgia

ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’99: if i could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. the long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience… i will dispense this advice now.

enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. but trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. you’re not as fat as you imagine.

don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle tuesday.

do one thing everyday that scares you. sing. don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. floss. don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind… the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. stretch. don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life; the most interesting people i know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds i know still don’t. get plenty of calcium. be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. enjoy your body, use it every way you can. don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own. dance – even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. do not read beauty magazines – they will only make you feel ugly.

get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. live in new york city once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in northern california once, but leave before it makes you soft. travel.

accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. respect your elders. don’t expect anyone else to support you. maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will look 85.

be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

but trust me on the sunscreen.

489

it’s funny how this place is filling up, huh? this marks my 970th post since i started blogging on blogspot, and 489th since i closed down the previous archives. anyway now they’re all back up because memories being memories, they don’t run away just because you pretend they don’t exist. so now that that part of my life is over and it’s a chapter in a closed book, it’s back up because i don’t feel any more pain. hence all is good. it’s funny how angsty i used to be, though. angsty meaning really publicly angsty, with random ‘don’t talk to me’s and ‘fuck off’s and general public outbursts of anger. not that i don’t do it now, but it’s less, but then again maybe there’s less to be unhappy about. cause and effect, sort of. don’t you hate it when i think too much?

i have nice birthday presents! i’m happy (:
although certain people are taking rather long.. hmmm ;p

i’ve been writing alot by hand lately. filled up 45 pages (yes i counted) from when i bought it, till now. it’s been what, ten days? i intended to bring this book with me if and when i was leaving for england, but it seems i might run out quite fast. in any case, paperchase is from UK, so if i run out there are still millions of lovely journals there for me to get my happy little hands on! awyeah. the reason i mentioned this is because bristol finally replied today. so now i have replies from 5 universities except the one i potentially really might end up going to, which does not bode well at all, considering it is the 28th and they told me replies should come by end march ie NOW. well, we have two more days — we’ll see how it goes.

SHOPPING IS FUN! :D

488 too many funny conversations prz

R says:
i remember you going on about some marines gay porn show!

S. says:
omg! WHEN.

R. says:
start of last year?

S. says:
oh, right.
that was ages ago!
like in 2003!
when i watched it and was disturbed

R. says:
you were DISTURBED
not horny? :O

S. says:
no.
i think i might be an android : (

R. says:
you disappoint me.

S. says:
i greatly apologise.

R. says:
gay porn is so weird

S. says:
it depends on how it’s architectured i guess.
sometimes it can be aesthetically (Y)(Y)(Y)!

R. says:
i see you have great experience! :O

S. says:
no!
only two porn videos ever!
but they contrast deeply : (
marine hardcore vs B.’s gay porn is pretty eyllow light.
*in pretty yellow light
it is like wrestler vs fairy sex

R. says:
i need to get my hands on B.’s gay porn! :O

S. says:
don’t you already have enouhg! :0

R. says:
i do not watch gay porn >_<

S. says:
denial : (

487

because i am suddenly a photowhore, this is what we did today:


after playing lots of tennis and eating dinner and getting thrashed in pool by A. who seems to know what to do all the time, we were all tired happy bunnies and headed back home to nua in our happy comfortable homes. whee (:

485 BIRTHDAY POST

we watched the lamest chinese show ever yesterday (but not lamer than a chinese tall story, which really takes the cake) and today we just walked around forever and ever and ate till C. came to play pool with us, and then we went off again to kino and back again and ate some more. it’s really as boring as it sounds, but i leave you with pictures of random moments of humour:

aside from the fact that he has bigger eyes, he’s also better at looking surprised:

and because i looked like this for most of the day,

he did stupid things to make me laugh:

here is him attempting to snatch my camera but looking like a boyband singer!


do you want to guess how long we took to take one good picture in a dark cabseat and shaky bumpy rides? haha (: it was a good day.

484 potentially incriminating conversation

R says:
i think guys underwear is damn boring

U says:
no what
they have damn cool boxers
like, mad cow ones

R says:
boxers are so

U says:
and superman ones

R says:
hard to stuff into pants

U says:
and i bought (name of boyfriend) dinosaur and nba ones before
how cool is that hahahah

R says:
hm i should buy him boxers too eh

U says:
thats why they shouldn’t wear pants
yes!

R says:
but he won’t wear them
then wear what?!?!

U says:
but its v ex to buy here
wear boxers
XD and nothing else
MUAHAHAH

482

“these things have neither followed us into the world, nor will they follow us out; nor do they matter supremely while we are here”

you’ve got to know that at some point in your life you need to stop and sit down on a ledge pondering what the hell you’re going to do next with your life. then you need to realise that you, in the midst of so many other human beings all with their own little lives and worlds, are supremely insignificant in the big picture. what are you compared to millions who are dying? what are you when wars are being fought? where you will be on history’s timeline? so many things have gone on, and can go on without you.

much as i hated studying it when i was studying it, i think 20th century short stories might have been the best book i have ever done; which explains why i still remember the quotes when i have forgotten most of the rest. it’s become like a private joke now, when i put it on my msn nicks, when A. sees it and groans in memory of the work we had to do, and everyone else who has done it before nods in recognition. strangely enough it speaks to me the way no other book has really done, and i spent so much time thinking about the stories and the issues they covered and raised that maybe, somehow, it became a part of me. see what i mean? those were the best days of my life (:

new cameras rock

SF, R. and RM all sporting maniacal grins (i lie, actually it’s just me) from friday night’s class outing/birthday party/madness

then i’ve been having fun with my camera yaye!

my new journal, so amazingly girly :O

remnants of scholarship deadlines!!!

if you see carefully i think you can still spot neek’s ‘GOOD LUCK FOR As’ card

chapters from my dark past; including old pictures, old camera, old angbao, old pens, old pencils, and conspicuously, used tissue.

480: life 1 – 0 me

i’ve just discovered how life is going fantastically for me at this moment. so my camera finally arrives, and i’ve had loads of fun charging up the battery and discovering swish new functions and stuff and getting really excited about all the pretty pictures i’m going to take with it. then i dig into the box and remember that i have to install a CD-ROM to take advantage of all the photo-editing whatever things that come with it. except, of course, my CD drive doesn’t even work!! someone say JACK and kill me now please. >_<


for memories long gone; the movie, the pain, the person, the postcard, the blood, the sweat, the tears.

it’s been a happy weekend. friday’s class outing ended favourably with almost everybody watching v for vendetta at assorted times, though we played pool before that. normally i wouldn’t give blow by blow accounts of the day, but i have to since i really wanted to show you guys this photo, which illustrates the supremacy of N.’s pool over K.’s, and then he is going to run away and hide his face in shame now. after J. broke for everyone (since none of us can break at all), N. went to play. and this is what happened:

so K. was naturally all neeneenee-ish and “omg i’m getting pwned”:

and this is N. looking very happy indeed:

saturday and sunday afternoon was spent at the boy’s house lazing about watching TV. we would have gone to the park, but the weather seemed grossly uncooperative. it’s been scorchingly hot these few days, for some reason. hrmph. in any case dinner on both days was great. saturday was spent blowing the remaining parts of my birthday money from my mum on dinner at spageddies with H., yanj, I. and the boy, which H. happily miscalculated making us all pay ten bucks more than necessary (!!!! the travesty). H. is useful to have around because he gets up and literally serves food up on a plate for everybody. cuts the pizza, divides the spaghetti, slathers sauce on your lasagne, oh, what a happy family man. because the original plan to eat at pete’s place backfired since we waited an extra hour for I. to finish his “uni apps” (though when i called him at 7 he said “can you hold on i’m at the arcade in the middle of a game” >:|) hence ending up with no reservation (something which got H. nearly writhing in agony from the loss of his beloved risotto), we retreated to tanglin mall but refused to give up our pete’s place dream. so we all trooped there for dessert. whee! (: after numerous hassles and missing ATMs and stupid staff sergeants who refuse to return money, i am now very very very broke. but mmmmmmmmm, very happy. pats stomach no pictures, sorry, because we were 1) too busy eating and 2) neither of us (yanj and i) brought a camera hah.

to compensate here is a picture of us on saturday night at newton after H. kept teasing yanj about certain parts of her face:

and this is from our happy shopping trip ages and ages ago:

sunday evening was spent traipsing about jurong east through the pasar malam (“boon lay power” nasi lemak) with yanj, K. and the boy, which would’ve been enjoyable minus the smell of “taiwan doufu”, which was, in fact, not taiwanese but just smelly (but the sign neglected to mention that bit). we finally ended up at IMM eating japanese food and the ensuing conversation about certain members of our social circle (aha, how misleading) was highly amusing, as was the walk through GIANT, which was indeed giant.

notice aside from yanj the other 3 of us look like we shouldn’t belong in the picture with the cake at all (:

also while searching through my files for pictures to make up this post, i found this:

just to make you see how everyone must have had a wicked childhood, and must have had a miserable youthhhh, but somewhere in their wicked miserable paaaaast, they must have done something goooooood:

nothing comes from nothing, indeed.

because birthday presents are wonderful – this year i bought myself a new journal. new notebooks always brim with so much potential, though you realise after awhile you keep writing about the same few things. like how i just wrote 11 pages about the same thing. but after a month without a journal i’m glad to have one again. borders late at night is a good place to be. good company. sometimes i don’t know what i’d do. so many things i don’t feel like doing, so many things i feel like doing, so many things i’d rather not do, so many things i’d rather do. things like lying on a bed facing the afternoon sun wasting away. i would like to do that again.

i’m so tired, but i can’t sleep; i’m standing on the edge of something much too deep. it’s funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word; and we’re screaming inside but we can’t be heard. and i will remember you, will you remember me? don’t let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.

i wish sometimes that you were as understanding as people made you out to be. sometimes i wish it weren’t so easy to lie, that it wasn’t so difficult to tell the truth. sometimes i wish you would make it easier for me to trust you so you can trust me. i can’t trust people that don’t trust me. you know this. you must know it so badly that it hurts.

anyway, today was a good day. v for vendetta, wonderful. am too tired to post anything intellectual, anyway he just laughs at me and tells me he bets i don’t know what’s going on the whole time. perhaps i didn’t, but i enjoy these movies all the same; all the ones that make you think too much.

from a conversation with W., my partner-in-crime for viewing WTF webcomics (meaning, webcomics that make you go WTF), who always provides illuminating insights on random things, which we always seem to talk about and stumble upon in the midst of discussing how i am an important river in the world he is creating and shaping to his satisfaction, or talking about random hypothetical and therefore impossible situations.

R:
oh, the hassle of unrequited love

W:
….
it’s not quite what you want to do with someone, is it
i hate people who say this kind of things
hi, i think i like (insert person here), but i’m not sure if i really do. i’ll see what i’ll do about her. maybe if i like her i’ll go after her.

R:
it’s like, as if you have the authority to ‘do’ something about someone

W:
yes
and who’s liking you anyway?

R:
owch.

W:
no but it’s true you see
i mean
between i like her and what shall we do there is always she likes me
and to jump from the first to the conclusion is incredibly egotistic and presumptuous
and makes me feel like punching someone in the face
baaaah
people like that just piss me off
it’s not humble
it’s not what liking someone ought to be

when i want to feel happy i’ll look for you (:

ETA, 12.32pm:
i’ve to rush to the post office now because i don’t want to make another trip down tomorrow (TOMORROW! CLASS OUTING YAYE) to mail all my silly things in so i shall do it today, despite waking up at 11.28 (life 1 – 0 me), getting an sms to go for lunch at 11.35 (life 2 – 0 me), having to rush to stamp and address all my envelopes (life 3 – 0 me), having to bathe (life 4 – 0 me), deciding to call a cab to save time to get to lunch at 1.30 while going to the post office in between (life 4 – 0 me), having driving at 3.45 (life 5 – 0 me), ending at 5.15 and meeting P. at 6 for dinner (life 6 – 0 me), and kings of convenience at 7.30 (life 6 – 1 me), and meeting the boy (YAYE) after a long, long parentally-imposed absence from his life (and mine) after that (life 6 – 2 me).

so, despite the two things i have going for me today, i have been pwned by Life. AGAIN. LIRB? never thought i’d use that after As, but here you go. ah, but i have a Sense of Humour. and i am going ICESKATING tomorrow. let us go then, you and i! hand in hand into the ice where we fall and slip and generally make Fools of ourselves! so this is how i spend my last days of being 18. but overall, it’s been pretty good. oh yes indeed (:

warning — it’s time to stop, it’s time to stop, take a time-out, let it be. it’s time to look at a person and see someone else, someone better, someone different, someone who’s changed. up, up, up, up that ladder, up the stairs, always going up so much we never come down, and it’s painful when you fall, it’s shameful when you fall. hiding in some corner never gets you anywhere. somewhere in the world there must be a file on everything you’ve done in your life, yours, mine and ours, a great big library of sins, a great big library of mistakes. then we’ll see, then we’ll see, whose is worse, whose is thicker. does it matter? things are things are gone and past and maybe things have changed. maybe things don’t matter the way they used to. going up to find something you don’t want to see, going down to hear your life torn apart, going lengthways sideways diagonally everywhere everywhere here and there — i’m a little scared, a little worried, tell me how it’s like, tell me you want to stay here, tell me how you want to get away, tell me how i want to get away. tell me why it’s easy to say you don’t know, tell me it’s easier than telling you everything. tell me why there are always empty words, why you don’t trust us the way you don’t trust anything, the way you refuse to believe anything good can happen. you know after all these years all this tension was bound to come to a head. then we lie to ourselves, we forget about it, and life goes on the way it always was.

***
it’s clearly been a bad patch i’m going through, of late. for me the good and the bad always come together, it seems like my life is a continual war of elemental forces on either side of the fence. when nothing happens it’s so quiet you can hear a pin drop. then it rains and pours like you couldn’t believe on those days where you just want to run to your room and hide under the covers forever and forever, waiting for someone to come hug you and tell you everything’s all right. it’s how the best years of my teenage life i will always also remember the pain of studying for exams, the mental torture, that last six months. but enough angst. there’s really not much to be unhappy about, and alot of things i have, i should be thankful for. but irrational surges of temper and irritation and jealousy are often hard to control, and lest i forget, it has to go down somewhere, and it might as well be here. you know it’s not like it makes me look like a better person if i just store all my angst-filled subjects away somewhere else. this, especially, has always been a sensitive topic. maybe it’s better to be honest. maybe it’s easier than changing your viewpoint. maybe it’s possible to do both. but we’ll see. no regrets, remember?

warning — it’s time to stop, it’s time to stop, take a time-out, let it be. it’s time to look at a person and see someone else, someone better, someone different, someone who’s changed. up, up, up, up that ladder, up the stairs, always going up so much we never come down, and it’s painful when you fall, it’s shameful when you fall. hiding in some corner never gets you anywhere. somewhere in the world there must be a file on everything you’ve done in your life, yours, mine and ours, a great big library of sins, a great big library of mistakes. then we’ll see, then we’ll see, whose is worse, whose is thicker. does it matter? things are things are gone and past and maybe things have changed. maybe things don’t matter the way they used to. going up to find something you don’t want to see, going down to hear your life torn apart, going lengthways sideways diagonally everywhere everywhere here and there — i’m a little scared, a little worried, tell me how it’s like, tell me you want to stay here, tell me how you want to get away, tell me how i want to get away. tell me why it’s easy to say you don’t know, tell me it’s easier than telling you everything. tell me why there are always empty words, why you don’t trust us the way you don’t trust anything, the way you refuse to believe anything good can happen. you know after all these years all this tension was bound to come to a head. then we lie to ourselves, we forget about it, and life goes on the way it always was.

***
it’s clearly been a bad patch i’m going through, of late. for me the good and the bad always come together, it seems like my life is a continual war of elemental forces on either side of the fence. when nothing happens it’s so quiet you can hear a pin drop. then it rains and pours like you couldn’t believe on those days where you just want to run to your room and hide under the covers forever and forever, waiting for someone to come hug you and tell you everything’s all right. it’s how the best years of my teenage life i will always also remember the pain of studying for exams, the mental torture, that last six months. but enough angst. there’s really not much to be unhappy about, and alot of things i have, i should be thankful for. but irrational surges of temper and irritation and jealousy are often hard to control, and lest i forget, it has to go down somewhere, and it might as well be here. you know it’s not like it makes me look like a better person if i just store all my angst-filled subjects away somewhere else. this, especially, has always been a sensitive topic. maybe it’s better to be honest. maybe it’s easier than changing your viewpoint. maybe it’s possible to do both. but we’ll see. no regrets, remember?

i’m trying not to show it but my heart is thumping crazily and secretly my mind is going round in circles thinking what could have happened. i don’t know why i don’t just pick up the phone and call. maybe it’s because i’m scared that i’ll hear something i don’t want to hear, a brush-off, a change of tone. all i do is think and think to no avail and hope that nothing is wrong. good god.

random emo post

sometimes people become other people by lying to others then believing it themselves. something that starts off as a lie but becomes the truth as they tell it to more and more people and eventually they have to be the lie or risk being found out. sometimes you know you don’t just die when you lie to yourself.

when your eyelids are closing in on you and the world is spinning while your vision is turning white, there are only so many things you think about. they always say your life flashes before you and people always wonder what, in essence, is that life, the life we cannot help but remember, the life that flashes before you, all those tv commercial moments of your life, the good the bad the ugly, go on, i know you know it, you can just hear the commercial jingle in the background. we say background as if sound were a place. as if it was easy enough to pinpoint its location, from the background, the foreground, when it’s all just in your head, that imaginary stage where all the sounds come out, something invisible, something unforgettable. like the air that you breathe. that unnoticed and that necessary. margaret atwood. so mrs-who in a wrinkle in time.

you get the feeling i don’t exactly know what i’m talking about. i get the feeling i don’t exactly know what i’m talking about. most of the time it’s just ramblings of a deranged mind that need to be put down somewhere in words so they stop clogging up the pipes in her head. he always says there are too many thoughts in my small little head and i get all messed up because of it. it’s easy for him to say. but it’s not like there’s alot of empty space for me to transfer my thoughts to him either. sometimes i just write on and on while the music plays on and on because i know we will read on and on. it happens to the best of us. sometimes some things are just a whole load of crap and so bad for you, but like C. says the more you don’t know the more you decide to try, the more you try the more you realise it’s bad for you, but the more you try the more you need it. cuts like a knife, but it feels so right. then it feels like a drug that’s going through somewhere you don’t want to know and comes out in a different place. not always a better place. change, while always constant, is not always good. but we knew that already.

so you realised alot of me is stream-of-consciousness. half the time i don’t even know what i’m saying. but it sounds vaguely intelligent because it’s just alot of words with nothing actually being said, and alot of words confuses alot of people which includes alot of us. i’m sitting here typing all this while my mind is dying and my hands are tired. then i had this really cool line to put in but i forgot it while i was yawning. i could try to remember it but i chose to spend the time saying i forgot. and in the midst of typing a sentence i forget the next part.

rereading raise the roof beam, carpenter. what a mindfuck for five bucks. i’m still amazed at the fact that i got taken in by it, that i thought it was a real person, when it actually isn’t. everything seems so real, so conversational, so autobiographical, but you know the way authors cheat you and cheat everything in the process, they take all your feelings and throw you out in the cold after that. i felt like that after reading marquez too. love in the time of cholera. in the time of cholera, indeed. but it’s my favourite book and for all the wrong reasons. not why you’d think it is, though, because those who know keep thinking that that‘s the wrong reason but it’s not. the wrong reason is that because it was a present. and the very obvious logical spinoff from the previous question, ah, that could be the wrong reason, but it’s also not, though it would be a correct guess as to what people thought was the wrong reason. (but that doesn’t mean it’s the right reason.) and i bet you don’t know what the hell i’m talking about.

goodnight.

470

i don’t think i’ve ever wanted something bad enough to try to get it. if it takes effort, it’s not worth getting. if it comes by luck, well and good. if someone gives it, even better. everything in my life so far has not come about because i wanted it to happen. this is what happens when you walk about without an aim in life. this is what happens when you are the kind of person who tells yourself you don’t need it until you actually believe it’s true. then you forget about it. and life goes on the way it always was.

so in keeping with my philosophy i shall put up a list for my own reference. of course if you wish to take it as a broad hint all is well and good, keeping in mind most of this stuff has been on my wishlist for years and every time i put it up nobody takes any notice of it and it returns with a vengeance every other celebratory, gift-giving season because i’m too much of a cheapskate to part with my money (on occasion) for the things that i want, ref: above statement. not to mention the fact that i bought two dvds on the same day which bankrupted me of 100$ straightaway. i am such a loser.

sultans of swing dvd
live 8 2005
dvd
eagles farewell 1 tour, live in melbourne dvd
steppenwolf by hermann hesse
black zara miniskirt (clothing vouchers very welcome!)
a new pair of jeans which i am likely never to get
a scholarship (o PSC, feel my agony and TAKE ME!)
a university place
a 1:12 die-cast model of the BMW Z8, which i am likely never to get because it’s 600$
a chicago/the hours/v for vendetta movie poster
canon digital ixus 60 (hah mission accomplished because i actually paid for it)
a driving licence (24 march! here i come!)
a nice dress
a nice blazer