186: 三年的感情 一封信就要收回

today was a good day.

we are often too caught up, too absorbed, too too busy to just sit down and have a chat. so what better way to do it than pon a useless lecture and relive a holiday mood? i like talking to people. thank you for trusting me. (:

only one useful thought while watching hairspray. it suddenly seemed poignant to me in the middle of the movie while queen latifah was off belting out some song pretending to be emo and crying that the camera angle swept across the marching crowd and in it all i noticed the wizened face of an elderly black man holding a ‘integration not segregation’ sign. which could have been real, and him there to hold it. i wondered as he walked if it brought back any memories for him, marching as he would have when he was younger, 45 years ago. this moment in the film – it changed it from being just another happy teenybopper musical into something much more meaningful for me.

funny how things change, and thankfully not always for the worse.

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some people are in deep shit, and they do not realise it. sometimes people really need to think about things properly before they do them, and land themselves into a whole pile of muck without knowing. and preferably not with the anatomical protrusion on their body.

it really annoys me that people really don’t know that they are messing up their life.

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成年人分手後都像無所謂.

talking to you brings back memories. it’s sad to realise that i remember the After more than the Before.

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183: breaking things

“he doesn’t lead me on — i like following him around. it’s not the same thing.”

X came online the other day during my company law lecture and talked to me for a bit, i.e. a grand total of 5 minutes, or less. people sometimes ask me whether i still keep in contact with him, and then turn away slightly as if they don’t really want to hear the answer. i don’t really know the answer myself — sort of, i guess. the answer is that we talk whenever he comes online, which is rare. i’m someone who feels pretty uncomfortable if there are people who don’t want to talk to me (which may be the case as it is), and if they do make an effort i try to as well. the problem with that is the conversation ends up awkward and stilted, as if it should be moving forward but the words just can’t roll along and take us with it. we keep stopping, and stalling, and searching for things to say. words like “haha”, “hmm” and “okay” just exist to take up the time — when all else fails, everyone’s favourite question is “so what are you doing now?”. it happens to the best of us, and sometimes for me even in family situations with cousins or relatives i’m not particularly close to. what do i say that doesn’t sound patronising and/or offensive? the worst thing to say to relatives is making some sort of comment on their appearance e.g. “oh, you’ve grown taller!” when they actually haven’t, etc. which is borne entirely out of a need to be polite and say something to avoid appearing like an antisocial prick at family functions. which makes it all the more painful to have it said to you and recognise clearly that nothing exists in the relationship between you and this relative. i’d rather avoid all awkward conversation and just not talk at all, even if i appear arrogant in the process.

failed relationships are always a strange phenomenon. somehow it seems impossible to believe that all the feeling invested in someone can be blown away so easily, as if nothing had ever happened at all. sometimes these are necessary steps. some relationships hurt other relationships, and must be ended so that others can continue. again, how do you say anything that isn’t patronising and/or offensive? that doesn’t make things worse? that manages somehow to retain the ideally civil relationship between two people who may have felt something for each other, before? then again, being in a relationship requires eyes and ears. there is nothing much that cannot be solved if you are willing to see, and willing to listen.

182: the fireworks over liberty explode in the heat

hello people the first week of school has officially passed! things look good, even though i don’t think i’ll like company law much, but i’ll survive.

the bf gave me a few white peaches last week when i was really sick in order to cheer me up. unfortunately, only one of them was ripe, so i didn’t get to enjoy them much. now they seem beautiful, with the pretty red centre. it seems pretty pathetic to be eating these with a sniffle and some property law notes, but there’s the sound of fireworks outside, and drinks to come.

181: music is my hot hot sex

i don’t know why all my thoughts are turning into a pile of mush nowadays. there was a time when some — maybe even many — things i wrote were worth reading, and gave evidence to a greater, more intellectual mind than now. i used to get excited and fired up over the slightest political issue, but these days i don’t pay attention to these things anymore, and i don’t feel the need to comment on them like i used to. i used to have fun writing in circles in cryptic language for everyone involved to decipher. i don’t — no, i can’t — even write anymore, and that was such a big part of my life for so long. i used to love somebody with what i thought was everything, but now i don’t remember how the feelings ran during those halcyon days, and i have no sense of the love or the everything, only that it was intense and i was very sad when everything fell apart. i used to love a photograph for a few years because it made a memory of a feeling solid, but now the memory itself is drifting away…

these days there are very few real thoughts penned down here, and maybe like jesley, it’s better that the desire to overanalyse anything and everything is out of the system early, and that part of my life has not resuscitated itself ever since i left RGS. it’s been awhile. those thoughts and vignettes that i still feel are worth preserving are often too private and/or intimate to be shared here, because nearly all of these “thoughts” are connected to feelings, about people, about things; an entire slew of misunderstandings may arise and i don’t want that to happen. i write them down because i want to remember the sense of outrage i felt when something happened, even if 5 years later all i remember is that i felt outrage but no longer what outrage feels like. rarely are there extrospective thoughts about the current state of the world and such. it’s noble, but i don’t really care. to me these thoughts have long hovered on being my profession, and now that i am forced to think of them professionally, i don’t want to waste any more private time on the world. what’s mine is mine and my private thoughts remain anonymous, somewhere in my writing and maybe somewhere on the internet.


well, my pet lion says hi anyway.

180: i don’t like mondays

today was the first day of school. so yesterday, in addition to not reading my property law notes (good choice, even though i read them this morning) i decided to clean myself up. my mum helped me do a mask, i cut, cleaned, and painted all my nails, thought of a million exciting things to wear for school, and moisturised the hell out of my back (which appears to have started peeling in one teeny spot).

i feel groomed! and things!

i feel horrid having to worry about work again, though. :(

179: all terribly exciting, i must say

it’s so weird to think about the fact that rag is over, yet again – and it’s not us on stage. even though it was hard work, i hope they had fun. in any case, too many hours in the sun is really bad for you. after spending 9 hours in the hot sun on sentosa on wednesday, i am officially sunburnt and sick. today didn’t help much, since my back got even more sunburnt during rag day at the padang. i’m so heaty i can hardly breathe – my nose is terribly blocked and i keep coughing. back to school jitters, maybe. heh. am also really tired.

went for shuki’s P party today, in a Pink Peony dress. others wore Polos, Printed tshirts (totally cheating), Pants (heh), PE tshirts (omg), Pink, Purple, and Pinstripes. they also brought Popiah, Pizza, Pau, Puffs (, curry), Pringles, Pokka drinks, Pepsi, and Pranky Prawn crackers. and Pretty Pink and Purple cupcakes. oh, and we played Pool. theme parties are cool! and they are even cooler when people play along! :)

am dreading the readings i have to do soon — my mailbox is noticeably missing a CLT bundle that is supposed to be there and which i am supposed to read. hmmmm.

178: still traumatised

i’m hanging on – to the last days of summer vacation. all the late nights, cuddling up in bed with myself, with the aircon on and being silly wearing a pullover and tugging the covers up to my neck while having my laptop on my bed typing away, at nothing. to not having to worry about what happens. next year – things will be different.

my car repairs have been estimated at $10k. whee. all this trouble for something that is not my fault…

177: the screaming tires, the busting glass

i’ll never forget the sound that night

i am so sad. and really still quite traumatised. and i am really never, ever, ever (x10) driving into town again. oh my god.

somehow i cannot even bring myself to blame the taxi driver who totally busted my car from behind because every time i think about how i am going to claim his ass off his insurance, i think about how he has to spend a few thousand repairing his own vehicle and he probably has a family to feed. and i don’t, etc.

sigh. i feel so horrible about all this.

176: consoled a cup of coffee, but it didn’t wanna talk

today is casual friday. everyone is wearing jeans. strangely enough, the only thing on me that is truly mine is my jeans. i am wearing my own shoes (but my mother shares them), my boyfriend’s belt, and my mother’s shirt. i like sharing my mother’s things because they fit me and so we buy for two. and then, when i steal them, i don’t feel so bad about it. her shirts are always nice and crisp and have a professional feel about them, always dry-cleaned and hung up in little dry-cleaners’ plastic bags in her cupboard. so i take one and wear it, and these days her shirts are all from the same brand. but mainly i like them because they have nice patterns and have an unobtrusive cursive “R” at the sleeve or the back. my initials.

 yes i know my name starts with C.

this morning is possibly the first morning i have no work. yet. and the starbucks woman cheated me by giving me only one tub of cream cheese for my bagel when yesterday i had two. so half my bagel sits lonely in its brown paper bag for lack of cream cheese and i am sad because it is no longer nice to eat. i am waiting for work to come.

school starts in a week, but before that the weekend waits with good things. strange how these people are those i only meet a few times a year (and always at the same time) but still feel somewhat close to. it is good. and i sort of like work. (hmm)