211: 为什么最真的心 碰不到最好的人

at the risk of sounding like an old fogey, i realise that times have changed, or maybe we just get older.

do teenagers these days get more money? (it seems strange at first to say it as if we were a totally different generation, which upon hindsight, is unfortunately the case) randomly blogsurfing at 3am in the middle of the night i realise that these days … people go everywhere. they celebrate everything. anniversaries, monthlyversaries (!?!), and for the more cynical, by weeks. celebrations that justify expensive dinners and maybe a pair of louboutins, the obligatory flowers. disappointments are quickly hidden if the day doesn’t live up to your expectations, because you can’t hurt someone else’s feelings on such a special day. back then, nobody went anywhere so special… now 18 year olds are going to il lido for their anniversaries, and not just spending on one measly plate of something. maybe standards are going up. or the people i know are getting richer. or something. but it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable… where does all the money come from?

strangely enough, aside from this year’s, i have never formally celebrated an anniversary before. nor do i remember even getting texted about the event. tempting as it might be to make the assumption, this is not because none of my relationships thus far have lasted past a year. and if you did think that, maybe you need to go away and rethink your priorities in life.

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yes, i am bitter. i just watched two episodes of byakuyakou (白夜行) and i cannot bring myself to watch any further. everything about it scares me. and i am scared to admit that i am scared of watching it. if you lie once, you have to keep lying again and again to cover it up.

exams are coming and i am still stuck doing this stupid mock trial. i hate wasting time on it, but i want to win, even if it’s just a pass/fail subject. this bodes ill for my other subjects.

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someone i knew died this morning. i have known her almost all my life, as has my mother, and my grandmother. she was my grandmother’s oldest friend, from the days when coming to singapore was an arduous journey on steamship and people still used rickshaws to get around five-foot ways. callous as it sounds, i can’t decide if i’m sad or not. it appears to be a tragic flaw in my character, filing all these things away. but unlike other things, death is certain, and it makes things easier to bear.

how different, to be old and treasure life, and to be young and reckless with it.

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209: whee qualifies as a boggle word

beer and breakfast at tiffany’s. :)

today i sold my stuff at home, and earned $100! had a nice dinner to celebrate. i saw alot of nice clothes there, but i refuse to blow my hard-earned money (haha) on instant gratification. most of the time it ends up being sold at the next flea market. UO is having 15% off sale items but i can’t find anything to buy.

however, my favourite pizza joint is still da paolo pizza bar! so much more worth it than stupid pizza hut!! (i really don’t understand it when people say they swear by pizza hut when there is much nicer and authentic pizza out there for less than what they are charging…)

i am happy to be in school.

208: so this break is a break-up

strange, isn’t it? life is not turning out the way everyone thought it would be.

J told me the other day that i am not a romantic. that i don’t believe in forever, don’t think about getting married when i’m in a relationship, about having kids together and living life like an old couple in years to come. and yes i don’t, but that doesn’t make me unromantic. why think about the future (and so far ahead) when you have the present? why do you spend your days thinking about what’s going to happen and forgetting that if you don’t keep the person here, right here right now, all your daydreaming is going to go to the dogs? to me, that’s not a smart thing to do. and that’s not because i don’t believe in love, because i do. but it’s not all sweet smells and roses and walking down the aisle. to me the greatest fear of thinking so far ahead is that you will end up regretting it, when it is all gone. it seems at once presumptuous and pompous, to assume you’d (he’d) be the one. as if all of it were something you could take for granted, that lasted forever and forever.

and no, so i can’t do that. i don’t do that. at the end of the day i feel stupid, for wishful thinking. maybe it’s the painful voice of experience talking on my part (okay it is, but you don’t know everything, so don’t judge.). people change. sometimes forever is not an option.

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today we handed in our assignment. then, with liwong, kaiyong, denise and iris – ramen at robertson quay, dessert at ricciotti (half-price after 9) and pizza. 15% off with UOB card (no GST! gasp). stupid jokes, boggle, half-baked cantonese. i died laughing. it was a good night :)

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there was so much alcohol on friday. i mostly like anything with green tea. sitting at the playground, just like the year before, only so many things have changed.

outside on the kerb

at the playground – pardon the wonky jeans, and i dunno why i always wear this top in pictures

us stealing food (again)

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then emo-ing in the KTV on saturday night after a nice old school dinner, rugby finals at jon’s place. i was quite sad england didn’t win, but it was inevitable, it seems. and percy montgomery reminds me of lancelot.

207: pleased

HAHAHA!

it is nice to know i can still meet deadlines even though i am the one who set them.

first draft up, with lots of amendments scribbled on the print-out.

i think it is quite funny how my blog ends up turning into a day-by-day commentary on the progress of my assignment, since it is all that is consuming my life now. as if it were really as interesting as watching a soccer match.

>_<

206: 让自己忙碌可以当作借口

it is 6.15am. these days i am more amazed by how i am still awake to watch the sky change colour, as i think back to the first time i stayed up all night when i was in sec4. that time was during the SARS quarantine, and i had nothing to do, but remember the sky was faintly yellow and i was watching the hours in my study, with the scene of richard falling off the balcony playing again and again. that it was cold. this morning is a cold morning too, having rained all the way since i came back from school after property lecture, though the reason i’m awake is very different. some may ask, why don’t you sleep?, but these days i think it’s better to push myself during the week than leave everything to the scramble of the weekend. and yet, all i can think of to ask myself is why can’t i find the CLRFC report on lawnet? am i typing the wrong search words? is lawnet down (again)? why do i choose topics that are interesting but so difficult to answer? and why am i once again, inexplicably, 500 words over the limit when the last 20% is not done yet?

one day this, the next day another. randomly, i did finish watching densha otoko. this marks, officially, 4 dramas that i have seen with yamada takayuki in it.

if only all geeks transformed so nicely.

i bought a dress today on UO for $9.99 and that made me happy, even though it’ll probably arrive in the middle of exam period. something to cheer me up during those long, impending blue days, i suppose.

205: franny, meet zooey

i got a new ipod on thursday. her name is zooey, from the jd salinger book, just as the last one was. i like how they are the opposite of each other – which is why i did not buy the black.

my macbook is called franny.
and my phone appears as dagny (from atlas shrugged) on any bluetooth things.
and that is a jack kerouac quote on top, tattooed on someone (very brave)’s arm.

i am a freak for such things, which is why some day i am going to get my hands on these:



204: stay with me

finally getting down to work on my assignment… after 3 weeks of not doing anything besides choosing my topic and finding a few articles. my goal is to finish the first draft by wednesday. go me!

this week has been good though. mainly because the holidays gave us a week in advance, so completing tutorials and stuff hasn’t been that hectic. i spent most of our anniversary on thursday eating – lunch at hua ting, dessert at ps cafe, then jap buffet at ikoi. i don’t think we did anything else, though i was very tired by the end of it. went to oosh! at dempsey last night to watch marcus play after having trial/advo at raffles place, where we had the longest tutorial to date. at first i thought it was the freshie marcus, which made me wonder why so many year2s (from everywhere and random social circles) were going, but clearly i was mistaken. oops. but marcus played very nice songs and that made me happy. and the drinks at oosh are expensive, even though it was a very very very (x10) nice place. i wish i had a house like that!

i just watched half of densha otoko (電車男) the movie starring yamada takayuki (山田孝之), whom i like very very much. he’s not really hot in the normal sort of way (cheryl toh was amazed by this super-hot guy she glimpsed on my computer while i was watching taiyou no uta – think his name is kaname jun) but just has this charm. i first watched him in waterboys (ok don’t laugh) while i was in japan and my host sister (errr, the daughter in the host family i was staying with) loved the series. so i watched it all raw, in japanese, without subtitles. while i was there i watched crying out love in the centre of the world, which was showing on tv at that moment. i think watching jap dramas is the only reason why my japanese is still not that rusty now… hmm.

ok. need to stop talking about all this. shall go do my work now!!

203: something good will come my way

i think i am a strange person. been running on an hour of sleep today, and thankfully i’m still alive. i may even make it to tonight’s trial/advo tutorial without a hitch. luckily i did my stuff last week.

been having insomnia lately, don’t know why, so i end up doing all my work late at night.

(before you think i am a freak, i have also been doing other things at night. like watching jap dramas. i have finished 2 already and am on the 2nd-last episode of the 3rd. that is … approximately 30 hours of my life gone. whee – but so entertaining)

haha.

202: 但愿人长久

what does it mean to say you regret it? these words keep coming and going, but they never stay. all these sorries and maybes fly over my head, and deposit themselves far, far away, somewhere i can’t see. when i was a child i thought about a lot of things. what i would do if this or that happened, and how i would react. she was shocked to find out i was thinking about certain things, but her silence told me more than i needed to know. she never said anything, because deep down she knew all of it was true.

there are times, like today, when i cannot help it, and i give up trying to be positive and happy, even if it is just for today. it has been a long time since, and it is disturbing to realise that while the reactions have not changed, the reasons for them are different. and the problem remains the same.

i promised her it would not affect me, so i try, but it is not easy, and she knows. which is why we dance around each other lately, giving each other space, because we know the other is hurting. and we give way. it is the only way we survive each day, crawling through this mess, in the hope that somewhere along the way there is a man who will come and save us. but maybe he will never come, and slowly we lose hope.

who knows what happens tomorrow?

明月几时有 把酒问青天
不知天上宫阙 今夕是何年

我欲乘风归去 唯恐琼楼玉宇
高处不胜寒 起舞弄清影 何似在人间

转朱阁 低绮户 照无眠
不应有恨 何事长向别时圆

人有悲欢离合 月有阴晴圆缺
此事古难全 但愿人长久 千里共婵娟

但愿人长久 千里共婵娟

201: hen random de dong xi

the necklace on the right is very pretty.
i also want to buy a lot of things. like shoes.

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watched nanny diaries tonight and had a talk at starbucks after, which made me very happy and a lot less angry. yes. sometimes you just need to take your mind off things, although i still have a company assignment hanging over my head.

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there are two sites you need to go if you are interested in asian film/drama and/or music.

http://www.crunchyroll.com – for almost any anime/tv drama (taiwanese, hk, korean, jap, etc)/movie you want to watch.
http://www.sogou.com – sort of like a chinese google. with direct download for mp3s and godknowswhat.

damn shiok. no more searching on limewire on american servers for elusive chinese songs!

198: gina dreams of running away

there are times i think about everything that has happened to me. and i always try to tell myself that no matter how hard it is, life goes on and we will get through it. so it is a blow to find out that this is not always the case, though perhaps deep down in my heart i always knew the real answer.

it is easy to say that all i have been doing this while is feeling numb. watching things unfold before my eyes, things that are supposed to concern me (in an extremely intrinsic sort of way) are just not hitting home. i feel like i am watching a drama serial on somebody else’s life. this was not supposed to happen to me. and even if it were, why so many times? i wish i could say that i believed what i told people. have hope. always be there. treasure things, before they slip away. at those times i convince myself as much as i am convincing them.

but every time this happens, and i hear about it, all i think i feel is nothing. i am not surprised. i am not hurt, i am not crying. i do not sympathise, nor empathise, though i know i should. i do not reach over and hug the persons involved, wounded as they may be. these non-emotions come back to haunt me in the middle of the night, when i think about how life has passed, neither meaningfully nor painfully, filled with promise of what should have been. all these endless maybes, and in the end i wake up every morning to realise that nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. that it is completely out of my hands. and i cannot breathe.

it is not grief, nor sorrow. maybe it is despair.